Help - supporting a traumatised and anxious friend

[Winnie2405]

Hi all,

So here’s the deal…one of my best friends has years of history with abusive, mentally manipulative, gaslighting partners. She retains a lot of trauma and ‘shutdown’ behaviours as a result, and is very conflict avoidant, to the point where she will silence herself and endure soo much unfair treatment that is detrimental to her mental and physical health just to keep the peace.

Currently, she has this partner who has all of a sudden walked back into her life (after neglecting their relationship for months on end to the point she thought they were no longer together), who has all of a sudden moved into her home, (should clarify this partner isn’t one of the previous abusive ones, and also that my friend never really accepted him moving in…it was more of a “no wasn’t said so it must be ok to go ahead” situation)…but is now making her life hell. Draining her mentally, exhausting and draining her physically, making her uncomfortable and making her avoid spending time at her own home. she wants him gone, and has been saying that pretty much since before he moved in. Basically is beyond fed up and wants him out, and is done with their relationship and has been for a looong time.

However…her extreme anxiety at the thought of trying to start the conversation that would enact this change, the fear of speaking up and standing up for herself and calling it over gets too great and she shuts down and just doesn’t say anything…and just continues on enduring this mistreatment and the depression and exhaustion that it brings.

As a very concerned friend…I know it’s not my call to make, but is there anything I could do to help my friend find her confidence, voice, to help her over this anxiety block and to help her make the changes she needs to be happy? It makes me so upset seeing and hearing all this from her, on the daily, knowing that there’s nothing I can immediately do to help her.

Otherwise she’s left with no other option than to hope he makes the call and starts the conversation to end it one day…because her fear and anxiety has silenced her and has her trapped in a miserable, barely-getting-by state.

Thank you!

[Croix]

Dear Winie2405~

Welcome here ot the Forum, I'm glad you came as many others, if you look around, have wanted to help friends, and you may see how they have dealt with their situations. Actually your friend is lucky to have someone so concerned about her welfare and so understanding.

I know you know you cannot realy take up the battle on your friend's behalf, she has in some way to try to resolve the situation, though that does not necessarily mean direct confrontation.

It also means overcoming what may be very great feelings of fear and self-doubt. The fact she cannot make a move, but at the some time avoids being in her own home is not something that can remain as it is.

A resource you may both (independently of each other) for both your own benefits is 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) who can give good advice both to those who have been or are being abused, and to those that wish to help them.

I really do not know enough about the situation to give many sensible suggestions however one that springs to mind is if your friend could temporarily move out leaving a letter behind explaining she wishes this person gone. Where she would go to in the meanwhile of course depends.

So what do you think?

Croix

[Duesentrieb]

Sorry to hear that your friend is in such a situation but you can do a few things, I guess.

• Be there for her. Listen to her, maybe find a place where she can stay for some time. I am not sure about mediation. Women's shelter, social services, a lawyer, police? You could as well speak for her, if that is an option, especially if her health is not great. There is nothing to be ashamed of...
• Another way would be letter or message. As suggested, leave it, stay somewhere for some time and ask him to move out by...
• Independent of him and the situation I would suggest some sort of therapy. It will help to prevent similar situations in the future
• Consult maybe as well some more friends. Maybe as a help for you too. It's quite a lot to shoulder...

All the best and good luck. I agree she needs to get out from what you described....