Help please

[mon09]

My sister and I had a fight last week. It was a long time coming and I confronted her for her behaviour towards me. We both erupted and I ended up slapping her. She kept calling me a C!5t and time me I’ve caused her 7 years of trauma. She just could stop screaming at me. Whilst I understand I’m on the wrong for hitting her I am not ready to apologise. She has kept her three children from me this week and also away from our family home where I live. I feel like I am wearing all the pain and blame. Our father has sided with her and won’t speak more then a few words to me. 
I feel like I have to move out and I am 34 but the market is so high I can’t buy anything decent and if I rent I’ll have no money left.

I feel so horrible because I miss her kids so much they are my everything but I don’t understand why I have to carry this pain all alone when I didn’t start the fight. I simply no longer took her abusive manner towards me.

[Sophie_M]

HI there, mon09.

Thank you very much for choosing to join our forum community, and for the bravery you show in this post!

Long term conflict in families is always arduous and feels incredibly cruel, but even moreso when it comes to a head. These moments are always conflicted; between the release of feeling like you have finally stood up for yourself and the uilt an shame of the act, or the freustration that you still might not be supported in your needs.

Have you had a chance to speak your peace with the rest of the family outside of Dad and your sister? What do you need now.

Remember there are many ways to set boundaries, and I hope that in future there will be opportunities to boundries early, long eofre the outcome of an anogonising and hurtful beuuild up over years.

Please receive well the many opinions available here in the forum, and reach out to us anytime if you need to - 1300 22 4636.

Thank you again for joining us!

Sincere regards,  

Sophie M

[sbella02]

Mon09,

A very warm welcome to the forums, and I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. As Sophie M has said, family conflict can be frustrating, exhausting and painful, especially when it's long term. 

There can be a lot of uncomfortable emotions that come with confronting somebody else about their harmful behaviour. Having said that, it is important to enforce boundaries with regards to how we expect to be treated by others. It is also important to consider how we would like to express these boundaries, or how it would be best to express them.

I understand that you may not be ready to apologise for your actions, and that is okay. In my opinion, it's better to wait until you're ready to apologise sincerely than just offering an apology for peace's sake. I've been in a similar situation before where I wasn't the person to start the argument but I was the first one to apologise, and I made sure to wait until I could apologise in a sincere and meaningful way for my actions, and I'm glad that I did.

Based on past experience, I've found that it's important to establish what you are looking to achieve with the conversation, what you are expecting from the other person, and cues of when to end the conversation should it turn sour. With these factors in mind, I know that I can apologise and listen to the other person with an open mind, heart, and respect. You may choose to prioritise different factors when going into a conversation with your sister, and that's okay too.

Is there somebody else close to you who you could confide in or ask advice from about this situation? As well as offering social support, they may also be able to offer you more personalised advice, if this is what you seek.

Have you ever had a chat to a therapist, GP, or psychologist? Sometimes it can help to have an objective third party offering you professional advice in a situation, or just having somebody else to chat to. Particularly if this situation is causing you stress or anxiety, the words of a professional can often be quite reassuring.

I hope this advice helps, and please feel free to continue chatting with us if you need our support, we're here for you.

Take care, SB

[geoff]

Hello Mono, sometimes family situations aren't as simple as they should be and may carry some long term anger that has been able to build up without having any resolution.

The problem is not so much the slapping of the face but instead what has been said between the two of you, although what was done, isn't how it should have turned out, but families are different and react in their own way.

Moving out of home won't necessarily mend this problem, but only make the gap widen between the two of you, which also means seeing her kids.

Even though your father has sided with your sister, are you able to talk with him, then he could have a chat with your sister when he sees your point of view.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Hey mon09, welcome to the forums. 

I'm sorry to hear about all the events going on in your family atm. 
Sounds like a worsening toxic situation. Perhaps there have been unresolved conflicts from the past? (Your sister mentioning 7 years specifically). 

Do you have Netflix? If you do, there's a really great special on there by a famous lady who has several Social Worker degrees and has researched shame, vulnerability, courage and more. 
The information on there, and so much more on YT by Brene Brown, could lead you to make certain decisions to attempt to heal the rifts in your family. 

One magic sentence she mentions is opening up a convo with "When you do ___, the story I'm telling myself is____". 
It's a LOT less confrontational. Esp if you can keep your rage in check. 

We are here for YOU and anyone else going through anything they want to share. 

I'll be honest, I would apologise FIRST and work on resolution over time. 
Seeing the kids is THE most important thing and I'm sure they're missing you too. 

Promising NOT to lash out again, esp in front of the children, could help alot towards being able to see them again. 

You just have to work out what's more important. 
"Being right" or "being happy". 

Love to you 
EM

[jaz28]

Hi there,

As others have said, family conflict is never easy. Although, you feel upset and like a victim right now, maybe it could be worth having a conversation with your sister about what trauma you have caused her. Even if you feel like you haven't, she may still feel hurt, and in that case, it does not matter what you think you have done, it is about how she FEELS. Which she cannot change. Maybe it is time to listen to her and try and understand what you may have done to make her feel like you have traumatized her. Then you can make amends and move on with your lives happier. Especially if your father has taken her side, there may be something to unpack here.

I know the market is crazy at the moment but let me get this straight - you are living with your sister and your parents? Maybe it is best to try and take the first steps to move out so everyone can be at more peace. Out of sight, out of mind, and your family may have less conflict and may even miss you. I would also suggest seeing a mental health professional to gain another perspective.

I am sorry this happened and I hope you resolve things.

Jaz.