He left but now wants to come back

River_storm · ‎19-09-2017

Hi,

First time posting, my expartner and I have a daughter together who is 4, we both have children from previous relationships. Been together for 5.5years. He had left me about 11months ago and then we got back together a couple of months after that and moved into a new place however, he left me for what I thought was for good again 3 months ago and is now saying he has changed his mind and realises how he can't live without me and the kids and that he is a new man and can see the error in his ways... But he wasn't emotionally available when I needed him this last time and I honestly thought he was certain it was over. I have in the last couple of months managed to pull myself together to get by the days but now that he has said he wants me back it's bought back my depression and anxiety. My family have had enough of seeing me in tears everytime he leaves or something is said, they don't want to see me go through it again. Yes I still love him but how do I know that he isn't just lonely and realises he has no one to come home too. I'm scared to make the wrong decision. He cries and messages me to say he can't cope and says he has no one to talk to only me... I've remained strong but it's taking its toll. I don't like to hurt people's feelings especially the ones you love but I feel pressured even when I've asked for time for myself. He sees the children and myself at the house for tea one night a week. He has the children 1 weekend a fortnight but he also sees me in that time. I have depended on him for my own happiness and contact each other daily.

geoff · ‎19-09-2017

hi River storm, thanks for posting this question to us, but if he has 'brought back my depression and anxiety' then I don't think you should want him back, please let me explain as it happens so many times in a r/ship that breaks up because of various reasons.
Whatever reason this happens is that he wants to return back home with you, well he probably he doesn't have anywhere else to go, because no one else wants him, so he says that he's a changed man, yes, but only for a few days and then everything will back to how it was before.
If it was me there would be NO WAY I would take him back, this is only going to keep this cycle going, the same and I have to say it again, the same situation will always happen.
Please don't be conned into taking him back. Geoff.

River_storm · ‎19-09-2017

Thanks Geoff, I believe it's always the cycle we go through too. I tend to always try to keep the peace and get panicky if I think I've upset him. More so now if I think he isn't ok I contact him to make me feel OK as long as he is ok I think I'll be ok. Sounds silly.

geoff · ‎20-09-2017

hi River storm, forgive me if I quote what you said 'I have depended on him for my own happiness', that's good, but you've also been affected by how he behaves, so which one of these affects you more than the other, is it the last one, and I say this because your depression and anxiety return and that's what worries me, because you won't be able to get better while he is in contact with you.
I must say that we do encourage at certain times for people to be available to help the person suffering from depression, but if it making you more depressed and anxious then I suggest you pull away until he can get help starting with his doctor.
I also believe that it would benefit you to see your doctor, and remember that there could be times when you offer him great advice, but he doesn't take it on board, that's not your fault, but you don't have the strength to be able to cope with this, again this is no fault of yours, but treatment will teach how to become stronger. Geoff.

GemAndLogan · ‎20-09-2017

Hey River Storm

First off, good for you for remaining strong in a tough situation and as always great advice from Geoff.

I just wanted to add that it is simply not ok for him to play with your life and mental health in this way just when it suits him. Relationships are not a revolving door! Him repeatedly leaving and coming back hurts you, as it naturally would and he knows this yet, he seems to only see his own feelings and how he is affected which is extremely selfish.

Definitely agree with Geoff, he needs professional help and you need to step out of that "support" role for now. Take some time away from him completely to focus on getting yourself in a position where you're strong enough to decide if he is really worth all this. Maybe seek talking to a professional yourself?

I know it's so, so, so hard to walk away from someone you love, even though they are hurting you but it is the best decision in the long run. Things will get better, just focus on yourself and your kids for now.

You deserve to be happy

Gem

CMF · ‎20-09-2017

Hi River Storm and welcome,

I was in a similar situation. After years of verbal abuse and neglect he apologised and suddenly realised how nice it is to be a family. I did not get back into the relationship and I'm so grateful. He sees our daughter when it suits him but his verbal abuse can still pop up and I refuse to be treated like that Anymore. We are amicable but I keep my distance and don't engage insuch conversation.

It takes time to adapt to being on your own with kids but you can so it and deserve to be happy. If he brings on depression/anxiety, as mine did, that is not good for you or your children. Allow him to be their father, they deserve that but you need to put yourself first to be strong and well enough for your children.

I wish you the very best.

CMF

kanga_brumby · ‎20-09-2017

Hi river if I can add my voice to the chorus I have been in relationships where my partner I chased first then she dropped me. She already had 2 children when I met her. The bloke she went off with left her so she chased me, dropping me, again this cycle went on for a while. Which gave me trust issues with women. I had to walk away in the end. I had to think for her children. I had to set an example of what was a good relationship to have which is a stable one. He seams to be all over the shop when it's convenient he is there, then he is off again. You have to be stable for any children you have.

Kanga

Jessicatherese94 · ‎20-09-2017

Hi Riverstorm, have you considered counselling to talk through what it is you really want from this relationship and from a relationship in general? It sounds like you're torn and need time to process everything. The fact that you've asked for space and you're ex partner isn't giving it to you is concerning, maybe you could be a bit more firm about needing time?