Hatred by daughter

[glimmer_of_light]

Not sure whether or not my daughter has taken drugs or still on drugs, but her personality and behaviour has dramactically changed. My husband and I have bent over backwards to encourage her, support her (especially financially wise the past year). She is 18, has just recently moved in with boyfriend whom we don't know very well at all. Tried to avoid the situation at all costs but unfortunately the law was outta our hands. One month ago after paying for and organising her 18 she suddenly has wiped me (mother), father and sister totally from her life. Does not want to see us, talk to us and has blocked my number. Leading up to this she has been saying things that were very paranoia in nature. I know for a fact that the students she hung around with were on drugs. She has portrayed some signs perhaps of either drug use (presumed no evidence) or mental health illness or both. Rumors in school grounds were circulated. For three months approx this year her skin on her face got really bad and nothing seemed to clear it. Eventually went on antibiotic/skin solution regime for approx 3 months. She always has bruising up both legs, and has distance herself from all of her friends. Didn't really seem to have many anyway. Now she says the most hurtful things without any remorse or reasoning. Is there any one out there that has any personal experience on the level whereby could shed some light. ? Ice- some of the traits kinda lead to this drug. Although was still maintaining studies at VCE level, and going to work. I'm beside myself as I think she is at risk- unfortunately nothing I can do over 18.

[pipsy]

Dear glimmer of light.  I'm so sorry you had the problem contacting the friend concerning your daughter.  However, having said that, I'm not really surprised by this reaction.  Obviously this friend, thinking she was helping your daughter, told her.  It could be, that your daughter is being so 'controlled' by her bf, she's 'warned' everybody not to tell you (her mum) anything.  Unfortunately, the only thing you can do now is get on with your life.  Worrying and fretting about your daughter is taking it's toll on your own health.  I know it's hard to accept, but until she makes contact, there's nothing you can do.  She's made every effort to shut you out, she's 18, the police won't get involved unless she (or someone else) reports the bf for abuse (if he is abusing her).  You say you can't understand why she's turned her back.  If parents understood teens, it would be incredible.  They seem to go through a period where they think bf's or gf's are the only people who understand them.  Some teens mix with other teens who may not be the best people to mix with, the more the parents try to guide them, the more antagonistic they get.  You possibly might not remember, but when you were growing, did you have (in your parents eyes) undesirable mates.  I know I did.  The more my parents tried to guide me about my so-called mates, the more I rebelled.  Elizabeth90 is 100% right.  I don't think your daughter hates you, as such, I think she hates the world.  At 18, she's looking for a 'role model', she thinks she's found one.  I feel sure she will come home when she's ready.  If she knows (and I'm sure she does know) you are 'there' for her, she'll get in touch when the time's right, for her.  Let her 'sow' her wild oats, pray she's safe.  Just know in your heart, she can get help when she's ready to do whatever is right for her.

Hope I haven't upset you in any way.  I never mean to upset anyone.  Just try to let people know how hard life can be with teens or kids of any age.  It's just that with kids (teens in particular), you're dealing with the 'unknown'.   

[elizabeths90]

Hi Glimmer, 

I really hope she comes back to you, you sound like an incredible mother and I can't imagine how that feels. I don't have children of my own yet...and the thought of losing something I don't have breaks my heart - so I can only touch of the imagination of what you feel. 

My mother never got support for her self when I took off and went through my problems, so you have to look after your self in the mean time as much as you can... so that when she does turn around you can accept her no matter how long its been and continue a relationship. 

It took a LOT of work to get where I am today with my mum, because I don't think she looked after her own mental health and was some what resentful of what I had done in the past - Rightly so! But a parents love should be unconditional - but that's just my personal ideals and opinions. 

She's still very young, still making stupid choices and finding her way..probably has in her mind she's the adult and knows what she's doing. A controlling bf doesn't help in the slightest. They dictate everything, who you see, how you think and feel. It's horrible and you don't even realize what is happening. They will turn you against the people you love making you think they're the problem.  If she can get out from under him she will come back and seek your guidance. I wish I could tell her how much better life can be away from that controller! How important family is! 

I exhibited and said alllllll the same things your daughter did, I'm pretty successful now and live a really happy life. My father was very very supportive and chased after me and always let me back...I couldn't be more thankful for having him in my life. Just some positivity to keep your mind when thinking of her 🙂 Keep being the great mother you are!

[elizabeths90]

Pipsy is SPOT ON, it is so hard to swallow. You think you know it all. You have to look after your self and remain positive and emotionally open and available for your other children.

[glimmer_of_light]

Dear elizabeths90's. Thankyou to both u and Pipsy for your wonderful support. I really do appreciate it. The hardest part about it all, is l feel as parents we have gone above and beyond to help her out in life. We put $7000 towards her car, has a portable study built and craned in the back yard worth $14,000 which was specifically for her year 11 and 12 studies, only used not even 10 times throughout the last 2 years and still paying off by the way. Even was willing to give up a carers allowance l get for my eldest daughter due to her having an intellectual disability (God only knows why l even considered it) only to have it backfire in my face as they declined her application, and because l was already receiving it, they too ceased my payment. I have had to take her to see specialists where we travelled over 600 kms for, take time off and pay very expensive consulting fees. This year l applied for 3 different Uni on campus accomodation, whilst going through a separation from my husband. Don't get me wrong my daughter was horrible towards us prior to this even happening. It was like walking on egg shells the whole time, the house environment was very volatile. It sounds awful to say, l want her to hurt a little, just so she knows how it feels, but that's just being childish. I think the reason why it's affecting me so much, is separation from cheating husband, lost my dog to cancer, had to put him down. And now my daughter behaving like this all in a 5 month time frame. I moved out of my own home and renting. So l am very lonely and distraught. 

[pipsy]

Dear glimmeroflight.  I really feel for you, you've had your share, plus.  I hope you're having some face-to-face counselling, as well as on here.  I think now is the time you're going to have to start being selfish.  You've moved Heaven on earth for a daughter who's now left.  Your hubby let you down.  You have to start taking care of you and your eldest daughter.  If your other daughter does get in touch (and I still feel she will, in her own time), let her know, (without pressure), you love her and she's welcome, but firmly set some ground rules.  While it's fine to tell them we love them (which we do), it's also not fine to let them walk all over us.  If she does want to come home, explain what she's done to hurt you, she HAS to be told.  I wouldn't go into detail about what you've done for her, I would just tell her, you hurt me when you shut me out.  Tell her if she acts up again - she's OUT.  No third chances.  She may try to 'call your bluff', follow through with the threat.   Even if you only lock the door overnight.  Once again, sorry if this hurts, but letting her know her boundaries is important for all of you.  I wouldn't say to her 'one day you'll have kids, then you'll see'.  Her kids (if she has any) won't be like her or you, they'll be a whole different generation with their own problems.  Every generation differs from the last.  Parents can't treat their kids as they were treated.  Too many parents make this mistake, it doesn't work.

Best of luck sorting this problem.  Sorry to hear about your dog too, that must've hurt.

[glimmer_of_light]

Dear pipsy. Thanks for your kind thoughts and words. What sort of boundaries should l set? And do l text her to tell her how much l'm hurting, cause at this stage she doesn't really care, she told my eldest daughter she hopes l end up in mental health where l belong! I'm getting a little face to face counselling, but unfortunately the demand is so full on, l wait six weeks to see her, plus l have to work around my shifts. And everybody tells me give it time, but l can't see anything changing any time soon. At this stage it feels like an eternity. 

[pipsy]

Hi glimmer of light.  At this stage I would be more prone to caring for myself.   I think I mentioned that (hopefully) your daughter will contact you eventually.  Look after yourself and your other daughter, she needs you more.  If you continue worrying and hurting, it will be harder to 'self heal'.  As I said previously, I'm sure eventually your daughter will contact you, when this happens, either see her at a mutual meeting place (just her), then once she's ready to talk, listen to what she says.  If she wants to come home, then and only then, do you set boundaries.  Let her know her bf (if he's still on the scene) is not welcome.  You can't stop her seeing him, if that's what she wants, but, it is your home, you set the rules.  I wouldn't try to contact her yet, she's made it clear she doesn't wish to communicate.  Unfortunately, you'll have to play it her way.  She may never return home to live, she's 18, she may decide she's better living away from home.  If that is the case, you'll have to respect that.  If she wants to talk, she will contact, she knows where you are.  I would ignore her comments about 'hoping you end up in mental health'.  That's anger and possibly bf's influence.  The more you push for reconciliation, the further you'll push her away.  At the moment, concentrate on you and elder daughter.  You need your strength for the one you are caring for.  Everyone else has said 'give it time'.  I realise everyday is an eternity, but by concentrating on your remaining daughter (who loves you), you'll find after a while, (you'll always love your youngest daughter), but she won't be so prominent in your thoughts once you start to 'heal.'  emotionally.

Hope I've been some help.  You probably won't notice any change, yet, you're still hurting and raw.  By the time daughter does contact you, you could be a different person too. 

[glimmer_of_light]

Dear pipsy. I do appreciate your support. The latest take on the situation, apparently she told my eldest daughter that she is engaged. Oh my god, there goes any hope of her ever coming back to me. Can my life get any worse?

[pipsy]

Hi glimmer of light.  Hardly surprising, she's engaged.  I'm so sorry for you, but there's nothing you can do.  As I said before, try to concentrate on you and your eldest daughter.  If she is in contact with her, that's good, at least she knows what's happening.  At this stage, I wouldn't ask your daughter anything about her sister.  Sometimes it's better not to know.  Does her father know about the engagement?  What does he think?  I know you're apart, but he is still her father.  No matter what's transpired between you two, he still loves her.  Could you talk to him about your concern for her?  Even if you two are not speaking, maybe your daughter has spoken to him re: you, perhaps you could ask him what he thinks about everything.  If she marries, she'll want her father's blessing at least.  If he won't talk to you, it might be better for you at this stage to 'let go'.  For your sake both mental and physical health and well-being, start taking care of yourself.  Perhaps you could suggest to your eldest daughter, she conveys your blessing to her sister.  I know how you feel, this goes against what you want, but what choice do you have?  If your daughter sends your blessing, your younger daughter wouldn't be expecting this.  Maybe, then she might text you, that's a start.  Sometimes parents have to do the 'unexpected, out of character' to 'throw' children.  If she has children, you'll want to be a part of that.  She thinks you're totally against the union, you are, but this would be so unexpected, you never know.  If that doesn't work, nothing will.  Just say, congrats, all the best to both of you.  Don't mention future children, that may not be in their immediate plans. 

Like you, I'm 'scratching' my head.  Don't know what else to suggest, except look after yourself and daughter, please. 

[glimmer_of_light]

Dear pipsy. At the moment l'm using this avenue to reach out. And l Thankyou for all your input. This event in my life is traumatic and l'm not coping at all! I cry every day, and sometimes have fleeting thoughts of not wanting to feel continuous pain all the tUme- don't worry l do seek help when l need it the most  but by talking to you and other people on this forum, has giving me some outlet. Thankyou for the continous support and feedback .