Guilt and shame

[NickyV]

I had some minor anxiety issues as I approached my thirties, but always seemed to pull myself out of it.

Then, two years ago I went overseas for a family occasion, leaving my wife and children in Australia. I got very drunk one night and took drugs, and had a one night stand with an old family friend. I couldn't believe what I had done. I never believed that I would ever behave in such a way.

 I agonised for days about whether to confess, and decided to stay silent when I got back for the sake of my young children. My marriage (and life) would be over.  The other woman has assured me she won't say anything, and has been good to her word. She regrets it as much as I do.

The last 2 years have been really hard. I've had counselling, am on antidepressants, and have been slowly improving. But every so often I just crash and burn. Anxiety sweeps over me, I pour sweat all day, can't concentrate, leg shaking constantly. I took up smoking again in the hope I get cancer and die. I feel so guilty and worthless on many days. Today is one of those days.

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[NickyV]

Hi Sherie and all,

 The GP did indeed increase my antidepressant, and gave me some benzodiazepines for the immediate distress, which really helped. I've calmed down a fair bit, and have got my head into some semblance of order again. I have made some inroads to finding a new job, as my current one has been an absolute disaster. I feel like I'm getting somewhere, slowly.

 I have also been referred back to my old counsellor, who is great. Hopefully I can overcome this episode and get back to the old me.

One thing I find very, very hard is pretending that everything's ok in front of my kids. Children are smart and they know when something's not right.

I am also attending an AA meeting tonight. Although alcohol is not the root cause of my feelings, I have been self medicating on the weekends, to the point where I drank four bottles of wine in just a few hours. I need to understand the additional damage this can cause.

I've also deleted Facebook (the cause of so many anxieties, for many reasons). I feel like I'm on the right track.

Thanks to you all for your advice.

Nick

[pipsy]

Hi Nicky.  I'm pleased your G.P has helped medication wise and it's also good you're attending AA.  It's good you're deleting fb from your computer too.  You are doing everything you can to 'make up' to your wife and family what you did wrong.  Even though your wife is not aware (hopefully) as you say, your kids have obviously sensed something.  If they ask, I think your best cause of action (rather than an outright lie) is to say them, alcohol has caused many problems with medication.  Because of this I'm getting some help and guidance through AA, plus my G.P.  Leave it at that.  Hopefully through your counsellor and with time, you will put this experience behind you.  It was nasty, but I also feel it was a 'wake up' call to the problems with alcohol/drugs.  It could've turned out 100 times worse, thankfully, you've made some headway with sorting out where and how you went wrong.  I know in my heart, you won't put yourself through that again. 

Best wishes for your future happiness with family.

[Guest_5218]

Hello again NickyV, its good to hear back from you.

It really sounds like you have put some very sound measures in place, which now has you back on track.

Dont worry too much about the kids.  Children tend to be not only very perceptive, but also very adaptive.  Now that you're happier again and less stressed, they'll be fine.

So everything is looking really positive for you again now.    Yay !!!!!!!!!!!!  

I'm so pleased for you...................

Go and spend some time over Christmas with that wonderful family of yours.  

And enjoy life as you deserve to.

XXX

[Matty-d]

Hi all,

 Glad to hear things are looking up Nicky.

I don't mean to hijack your thread but I am also going  through something very similar. 

I under the influence of alcohol had a one night stand seven years ago, it was New Year's Eve and I don't even remember who the girl was or what she even looked like, I only remember about 6 distinct moments during the event however there's enough there to know I did have sex. I had been wife my girlfriend (now my wife,) for 2 years at the time.

I decided at the time I would take it to the grave and I managed to bury my secret for the past 7 years but lately it has come back to mentally haunt me, really only since we found out we are pregnant for the first time. We have been married now for almost 2 years and I'm absolutely terrified, I can't escape the feelings of guilt, yes what I did was wrong but it's the fact I've kept the secret from her for soo long that has me upset. I've been seeing my psychologist a lot lately as I also struggle with anxiety and self confidence issues. She has given me some tools to help me through this and also agrees that telling her will do more harm than good. But right now today I am struggling, I have been soo close to telling my wife. I am soo thankful to have found someone else also struggling with nearly the same situation, but why can't I finally forgive myself? I just want to get on with being exited about my coming child but every time I look at her and her belly I feel disgusted at myself and I constantly imagine the hurt she would feel if she knew. It kills me that I can't tell her why I've been going to the psyc's more lately.

Sorry I've started rambling but I want to hear what you guys have to say.

Matt

[pipsy]

Dear Matty-d.  I think you've punished yourself so long, it's time you started forgiving yourself.  Concentrate on your life now, you have a baby coming, you really love your wife.  You made a mistake 7 years ago.  You've never repeated your mistake.  Obviously you're regretting what you did.  If you had kept making the same mistake, then you would have reason to mentally kick yourself.  We all make mistakes, some of us don't care who we hurt or how.  You do care, you know you'll never do that again.  Keep on the way you are now, loving your wife, looking forward to your new baby.  Let your past be that - the past.  Stop punishing yourself and your wife, because you are punishing her too every time you think about what happened.  If your wife asks why you've been seeing your counsellor more than usual, just tell her the counsellor is helping you with your anxiety over whether you'll make a good father.  You want to be the best dad you can, that's all you need to tell your wife.  You could also tell your wife your counsellor is giving you some points on how to help your wife when the baby comes.  Once your baby comes, you'll be so busy looking after him/her and your wife, all the other stuff will fade into oblivion.