friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

[Coffeelover1]

Hey guys so im 40 with 2 kids & a wife,a good job but because ive focused on work & family friends have slipped away. I was lonely & looking for friends. New neighbours moved into the street & our kids got along well so i used that as an excuse to catch up, my dream was for both families to be close. I organised bbq's get togethers, footy nights, boxing at the pub , lunches out & dinners out.There was a couple of boys nights where the dads had beers & watched footy & a couple of girls nights where the Mums saw a movie or drank wine. I suppose I used our kids friendship to get close to them. After 18 months i thought it was going well. The neighbour's wife was more friendly than the husband & i messaged her a lot to organise the catch ups & kids play dates, i though this helped strengthen the friendship

One night the Mums had a wine night at the neighbour's house. my wife txt at midnight for a lift home & i drove the 500m up the street to pick her up. When i got there the neighbours Mum offers me a bourbon and i get on it with her. My Wife decides she is tired & goes home leaving us alone.Me & neighbours Mum have the best night ever as mates drinking & laughing until 5am. I realise she is wasted so i put her to bed innocently at 5am & i walk home thinking we are best friends for life.

So i see neighbour's Wife a few times & im chummy as thinking were besties. Then after 2 weeks she just blows up at Me & tells Me she cant remember the night She was too drunk & from now on all our conversation should be left for when her husband is around

I lost it a bit & desperately sent a lot of txt & messanger messages saying nothing inappropriate happened, we were mates. Our friendship meant the world to Me

After some messaging between us she got nasty & said She felt uncomfortable around Me, we were never friends , she only hung out so our kids could be friends & She dosnt want to speak to Me She's happy to be friends with My Wife but not Me

We havent spoken since

Im totally devestated & struggling to get over it as she wont talk to me at all

obviously the friendship is over but i cant move on

[Coffeelover1]

Ok guys so I caught up with the neighbours husband at the pub. Just a polite chat about sports & what not and a couple of beers. When we were leaving I couldn’t let him go without pleading my case

I told him that I was never trying to bed his wife that I was only ever after friendship. I told him I wasn’t trying to bed his wife I was just a loser with no friends

He seemed a bit shocked maybe it was that I was so honest. He actually reacted when I said I was a loser with no friends.

He then went on to tell me that he never had a problem with me.He knew I had no bad intentions. He thought of the friendship between me & his wife as a couple of school girls being besties.

He had asked his wife why she is so angry & won’t talk to me & she can’t explain it to him

He is saying she is still raw about the situation but hasn’t ruled out anything permanent

She has asked that I don’t approach her but when she is ready she will approach me at the activity’s & sporting events

[Coffeelover1]

So the chat with the husband was a huge relief he agreed I had no bad intentions.

lots of questions and thoughts about why the Wife won’t speak to me but she can’t even explain it to him

so I can’t let this go it’s my personality it feels like a challenge that I have to win this woman back over

My latest attempt was to Shout my wife & Neighbours Wife to a Spa day together. She is adamant she wants our kids to remain friends and wants to remain friends with my wife so I payed for a spa day for the wives

i even organised flowers to be delivered while they were there for both my wife & her & my wife had a gift bag for her we organised

we won tickets to the soccer we couldn’t use & I had bought a bottle of bourbon to replace the one we drank together( that I can’t look at now let alone drink)

so gift bag of bourbon & soccer tickets, Spa day with flowers delivered

The woman had a great time btw , went for lunch & shopping as well & really enjoyed themselves

i am trying so hard to win this woman back over

to be on speaking terms

its something I can’t let go I can’t move on

I feel if I try hard enough I can fix it

but I guess it’s up to her

any ideas for my next move

[Juliet_84]

Hi coffeelover,

I know that you are after suggestions on what else you can do to win her over, but I’m instead going to advise that you take things easy like your friend suggested. Although well intentioned, I think any lavish or over the top gifts will likely have a negative effect and scare her off further. I think you perhaps came on too strong too fast and it has made her feel uncomfortable and question your intentions. I think that you need to give her time to warm to you as a person. I understand that you want these people to be your friends, but I would feel real awkward and uncomfortable if the husband of our new friends was buying me massages and flowers, even if it is in the company of his wife. I think that gifts are more typical in a romantic relationship, which is why she may have been confused, I have rarely ever purchased my friends gifts as it isn’t about that,as I am not trying to “win them over” and vice versa

[Coffeelover1]

Hey guys thanks for all the support & wise words through this tough time in my life.

i had a conversation with a female friend today and it has given me clarity on the subject

for almost 5 months I thought this situation was about hate & was overthinking everything trying to analyse what I had done to cause it

now I realise that having a really strong connection with a Married woman was what was wrong

I really enjoyed the connection & friendship we had ,I felt she was one of my closest friends

my friend today explained her point of view ,that perhaps we were only one stray message or action away from being more than friends ,possibly either she thought it or was worried I thought it . We already had that friendship connection so possible we could have taken it further

& that isn’t something I can fix

I feel like a weight has been lifted from me & I feel free from the mental torture of trying to fix this friendship

in time maybe she will talk to Me but I’m sure we won’t ever have that same connection , at least things are good with Me & Hubby and I’m in a good place now

thanks heaps guys 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Coffeelover~

I read elsewhere today that you are now still in the place of reacting strongly to this situation. I would imagine in view of your last post in this thread that you might have come to accept that in all probability there will never be kind words between you and this person even though you do say:

"in time maybe she will talk to Me"

In some way you have, intentionally or not, overstepped boundaries and there is no remedy. In fairness to the other person you have no knowledge of her thoughts, sensitivities and previous life history.

Being threatened by an Apprehended Violence Order is a pretty definite indication that matters simply have to stop, and no advances by you in any form are going to be appropriate and may well make for a true disaster.

As a result feel pleased that your spouse and children have not suffered and leave it at that.

I think someone has already suggested that counseling might be the way to go, for yourself at least, and hopefully for your wife too so she can fully understand the situation and help.

Obsessing over someone is quite a common problem a fair few have to face. As far as I know one of the techniques given in therapy is - whenever thoughts of the person occurs - to concentrate on your partner and all the really good times, when you met perhaps, whatever you might decide.

Trying by yourself, telling yourself not to think does not work, I'm sure professional help is the way.

Croix