Friends cant deal with me

[Pebz]

I am having trouble making freinds that I feel safe with. Over the past few years i have been working hard at trying to be a good freind to someone. We work together on community projects which has been great for my wellbeing and i was excited about life and making freinds again.

i recently had a break up which knocked me for six. I however have tried to be civil with my ex and we can still get on ok. My freind has been supportive when she can be through all of my breakup and i felt safe that she was a good friend of mine....which was important for me through this breakup as i needed to make freinds that were mine and not join.

Yesterday this freind did something that i find disrespectfull of me and our freindship and i totally am floored at what she did.

I walked in to a convo she was having with my ex and the convo was about her thinking she wants to scrap the featival that i am helping her organize. My ex isnt. My ex is actually not helping for the featival at all. This was the first i heard my freinds thoughts about it.

I became upset and i admittingly did over react and voiced my fustration at the communication. I could not believe it. And to be talking to my ex about it instead?!

Im so hurt and confussed. Because i got upset, she now isnt reponding to me and wont talk to me about it....this has left me feeling so isolated now and i am acessing what i have done wrong. I have worked so hard for this frienship and have been available anytime for her and she does this. It may seem no big deal really but it has thrown my trust. By her doing that, i feel betrayed.

As i said i over reacted which i havent done in years, i have now also been crying sinve it happened yeaterday morning and beginning self destructive behaviour. My trust in her is damaged and i no longer feel safe with her....it has really tiggered my PTSD ( from years of an family and partner abuse. ) ive been crying since it happened yesterday morning.

I dont have any other good friends were I live as its a small community and thought i was building a new life for myself.

I need advice and support to work this out. I am beside myself and starting to blame myself again. I am sick of being let down by people whom i spend time trying to build freindships with. Im now getting to the point of not trusting anyone.

Does anyway have any insite and whether it ia right to persue trying to work it out.

Thankyou for reading my story x

[Just Sara]

Hi Pebz and welcome to our caring community;

Firstly, good on you for finding the courage to post, it can be a difficult decision. You've expressed yourself well which gives me something to chew on so to speak. You write really well btw!

In my experience with PTSD, responses to (perceived) conflict can be overblown with panic type reactions. Triggers cause old beliefs, behaviours and lack of trust issues (which you raised) to resurface and interfere with functional evaluation of situations.

Jumping to conclusions can be more detrimental to a relationship than its worth, as you've experienced from the aftermath of crying etc.

You can't see inside a person's head for intent or rationale, so stepping back, taking a breather and thinking of what you could say is 'best practice' when this occurs. 'REACTING' as opposed to thinking before you speak is much more hazardous to come back from.

It may have been an off-the-cuff remark, even insensitive, but is it worth dissolving your relationship over? I don't know how many times I've done similar prior to my recovery and had to swallow my pride and go begging for forgiveness once I thought about my irrational behaviour.

I'm thankful you bought up PTSD as this disorder is absolutely destructive without proper self assessment and techniques to address reactive behaviour. It's scary for sure, but not completely irreversible.

Learning new communication skills is a must; listening skills especially. Asking questions (without an accusing tone) can be far more productive than making statements you can't take back.

I hope I've made sense ok. Please don't hesitate to get back to me for a chat.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Just Sara]

PS...having an open and honest discussion about your feelings using 'I' statements can quell a situation by outing 'real' issues instead of perceived ones. An apology doesn't go astray either.

Wishing you well...Sez

[Pebz]

Thanks you for you kind words Sez.

Today is another day and i wake dwelling and so anxious.

Another thing i forgot to mention in that incident was i did remove myself after initial reaction, as i could feell my panic rising and went off to cool down. My freind's partner followed me, and wanted me to talk but I said to her I cant talk about it right now. I was crying and shaking with panic at that point. She did not listen and insisted on telling me her thoughts and was condecending to me. So again, because of my heightened state i reacted again. I felt somewhat bullied into responding and I felt that was unfair after trying to tell her i cant talk right now. That situation has made me angry as i was aware of my panic and was trying to deal with it.

I have appologized to my friend but i still had no responce. It just feels sometimes that we make one mistake with our emotions and then it ruins relationships and its extreamly disheartening and makes me go into the spiral of self doubt which i am fighting really hard as we speak.

i will beg forgiveness again, but it feels that i have to do that with everyfreind i make and it makes me just want to give up.

When we work so so hard to not have our mental health issues, ( i also have. A major depressive disorder since i was a teenager, runs in the family plus a bad childhood and Ive taken meds for over 20 years now), affect our relationships and we make one mistake and its destroyes years of work to build them.....it has happened before. Im scared and extreamly anxious.....

I guess it triggers things, i always try to avoid triggers as after years of therapy i have an understanding of them, but this was unexpected.

Thanks for letting me chat about this as its so important for me right now to sort this out.

Do i just wait now untill she responds? What if she doesnt and ignores me now.....

[Birdy77]

Pebz, i just wanted to offer you a big hug.

Sez knows more about PTSD than i do, so i can't really give any advice, but i want you to feel very supported and feel a bunch of care surrounding you.

Come here any time to talk and let your burden down Pebz.

❤❤❤

🌻birdy

[Just Sara]

Hi again Pebz;

I can't answer that question I'm afraid. As I've said, damage from overreacting runs deep with PTSD. Knowing your MH concerns and walking away's great; learning to communicate more effectively will enhance this practice.

Worrying in the days after an incident is par for the course until you understand yourself better. It's never about 'them' ok. I'm very sorry you haven't had a response, but she needs time to evaluate where she stands too. It's horrible waiting I know. I've been thru it and tortured myself trying to analyse everything to death.

At the end of the day though, waiting is all you have. How are you with mindfulness practice? This can reduce worry by understanding that nothing can hurt you in 'this' moment. One moment in time where you have your feet on the ground, are safe from harm and have total power over yourself and your immediate environment.

The relief can be enormous; even liberating. To be free of panic and anxious feelings just for a moment, can help with 'knowing' what freedom and true peace feels like. Wanting more of that creates a different mindset and focus.

Recovery can feel isolating; lonely. Accepting you may not see your friend again might be your only option at this point. It's easier than 'wishing' things were different for weeks on end.

We get what we put into each small step we make, then one day it all makes sense. Yes, we may lose friends and even loved ones along the way. But learning to be a better version of ourselves is far more productive and beneficial for the long haul. Learning from our mistakes is courageous.

It's good you get something out of posting. I agree; purging oneself of pent up words can empty out a full mind to make way for the good stuff including concentration and understanding.

Birdy's correct too, there are very caring people here on BB forum. It might help to scout the threads/sections and engage there to redirect your thoughts.

All my best;

Sez

[Pebz]

Thankyou Birdy, im happy to have a plave to chat and feel listened to.

Dealing with these issues can be hard when living in an isolated place.

I appreciate all the help and I hope that I will be able to be involved to help others that have simular issues.

Thanks for the hug. Xo

[Pebz]

Thanks Sez

Of course you can't aswer that question. Not the best to ask. I have answered it for myself however.

I have spent many years fighting my behaviour impulses and I am so much better then I was, I only react now when I feel I have been treated unfair it appears. I know I need to work on how I deal with that. It is a sign that I am extreamly stressed, more than I must have thought, so I am taking time out from some if my commitments.

I know I still have issues with relationships with some people, I guess I have to work out whether it is me that is making it difficult or whether I just choose people that are difficult. I do have that issue of liking people who are not good for my health and make it difficult to form supportive and true friendships. I think this is the case here, as looking back I have put in too much of my energy into making this friendship work but notice that it hasnt really been reciprocated. Due to this incident I have realized now that I am best to just back off from this person as a friend. I am still learning.

I find it fustrating that there are many people who also have issues in relating to people but do not own it and will always blame us because we are open about our problems, so they will not own responsibity in their actions in relationship conflicts. I now know that these are not people to befreind as I need people who are open and honest with me.

Thanks for all the wise words. Xox