First time posting here - Struggling with Relationship/Loss/Life Changes.

[Sean_M2]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting on here,

I am 34 years old, I have had depression/anxiety for just over 3 years now. It came on after a break up with my previous girlfriend, we had been together for almost 9 years. I found myself in a horrendous cycle of anxiety & depression when she wanted to move back home to Spain. I loved her more than anything, but was caught up in a cycle of thinking about the future. I agreed to move to Spain with her, but she wanted to stay in Australia longer. I was on the merry-go-round of anxiety and depression, I would break up with her because the anxiety was too much, then I would get back together with her because i missed her so much. This went on for 8 months and it drove me into the biggest big hole of depression.

Eventually i couldn't take it anymore and i went to Europe to escape the torture I was going through. While in the UK I met somebody else, we started spending time together, i laughed and felt joy for the first time in so long. We travelled together continuing the relationship, however my mind was still very unsettled at this stage, I wanted to pursue the relationship, however I still had mixed feelings about everything.
We ended up getting separated when Australia closed its boarders. The Government wouldn't allow her to come and wouldn't allow me to leave. just as her visa was about to get approved, they would push it out longer, and longer again with no indication of when she would be allowed in. This was extremely an stressful situation, we were reunited 14 months later.

She is now 5 months pregnant with the baby due at the beginning of June. Unfortunately I am still facing major depressive episodes, many times i don't feel anything, I have no positive feelings about the future, suicidal thoughts running around my head. I have tried anti depressants, which don't really seem to do anything. She doesn't have any family or friends here, I try to support her the best I can, but a lot of the time I just cry non stop as the depression is so heavy. i know it is starting to effect her and all the stress can't be good for the baby. I resigned from my job last week after spending 9 years with the same company. I just couldn't go on any longer. Right now I am just focusing on myself doing meditation and exercise everyday, however I feel hopeless most of the time, I just want to get my happiness back so I can be a good partner and father to my child.

Advise would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

Sean

[HappyHelper88]

Hey Thanks for posting and welcome
That sounds like alot to go through and im sorry to hear

Im glad your focusing on yourself and doing meditation
It seems to me that the main priority needs to be your mental health you may need to talk someone about whats going on possibly a psych or counsellor

Please reach out if you need, the Beyond blue service is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636

[Sophie_M]

Hi Sean,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It sounds like you've suffered a huge amount of instability and turmoil during the pandemic. We're sorry to hear about your experiences with the borders, with the break up, and the enormous changes in your life. We're really glad you could share here with the community, who will have a lot of understanding for you. 

We are checking in with you privately to check you're ok. It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide. We’d also really recommend calling the Beyond Blue Support Line on 1300 22 4636. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive. They’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via Online Chat here (11am-midnight AEDT).

It’s really important that you are kind to yourself, and keep yourself safe. Please remember that if you feel unsafe the number to call is 000. It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (13 11 14) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you with kind words and understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Sean_M2]

Thanks for replying,

I have an appointment with a new phycologist booked in for tomorrow and another appointment with a Psychiatrist at the hospital on Thursday. They are going to try a different anti depressant, I am pretty cautions about taking them as the 1st time I had really bad side effects. My GP has also told me that I need to find a psychologist who specialises in CBT.

I struggle a lot with the prospect that i won't get better, the past 3 years have been hell for me and the idea of living the rest of my life like this is overwhelming and it is so hard to keep pushing through it. I'm glad i found the forums on here as I think it will be helpful to connect with people who have been through or are going through a similar thing.

I know not everybody's depression is the same, I often find people don't understand what I am going through, and it's frustrating when people think I should be able to just snap out of it or think positively. Too be fair I never understood it either before I was hit by it, but i know now that i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[jaz28]

Hi Sean

I am sorry you have been going through this but you are not alone. Thank you for joining us.

Have you spoken with your doctor about seeing a psychologist? This really helped me to combat mine.

You will get better one way or another, but the process can take time. Just hang in there.

Here if you need,

Jaz

[Sean_M2]

I had an appointment booked in with a Phycologist yesterday via telehealth, but he didn't show up. I think they maybe booked an appointment on Australia day by mistake. I have been able to reschedule but need to wait another 3 weeks. It's so hard to get an appointment with anybody, I was told it was a 5 month wait to speak with a Psychiatrist, luckily the hospital managed to get me in to see somebody sooner, I'm going this afternoon.

[jaz28]

i am glad! let me know how it goes