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Fiance left me, I'm a mess

Spearmint
Community Member
Hi,

I didn't really want to post on here
but I feel as though I need to now.

In November, I watched my brother take
his last breath in his fight against cancer, it was truly awful.

At that time I had been getting ready
to look for a job as I had been on holidays for awhile and moved back
to my home town, my fiance told me not to go back to work yet so that
I could grieve and he would support me. One month after my brothers
death, my fiance (we were together for 6 ½ years) told me that he no
longer fully loved me with all of his heart and that I don't deserve
a life not fully loved. He broke up with me right then and there and
I never even seen it coming, I had no idea he was feeling that way. I
love him with every fibre of my being. He has been struggling with
depression for the last couple of years but never wanted to get help
for it. He was a mess but said he was 100% on his decision.

That was 4 weeks ago.

He was my rock during my brothers
passing and now I feel like life has kicked while im down, I'm very
stuffed up. Since he left I have had 0 appetite, I have to force food
down but can barely eat much, I was already smallish but I have lost
5 1/2kgs and feel very very weak. Two weeks ago I started getting bad
pain in my bladder and thought it was originally an infection, after
taking antibiotics and it didnt go away, the doctor is sending me to
get and ultrasound in a week. (I'm not pregnant).

I feel like this is all too much. I
have a great family around me which they have been my saviour and I
will be forever grateful to them.

I don't know how to pick my life up at
this point. I'm too weak, tired and in pain to be able to work not to
mention an emotional mess. My car needs fixing, I don't have the
money to fix it.

I don't want to feel this way anymore,
but I don't want to be drugged up on antidepressants either.
6 Replies 6

Boo1986
Community Member

Hi there, it sounds like you have been suffering very badly for a very long time, first with the pain of knowing you are going to lose your brother, then watching him die, and then having your fiancé leave. This sounds like surely even the strongest person wouldn't have been able to cope any better. Seriously, I think you should be proud that you are at least trying to eat, at least trying to get medical care and at least trying to get support. Keep going, keep looking after yourself and do what it takes to get the help you need. You don't need to be on antidepressants, just keep close to your family and don't be afraid to ask them for help. It can even just be therapeutic to put your thoughts into words right here, let others know how you are feeling and connect with people that understand. Be patient with yourself, you have been through a very rough time, reward yourself for being so strong with activities you like to do and spend time with people that make you feel good.

xo

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Spearmint. Losing anyone to cancer would be absolutely devastating. The knowledge you can't take their pain away is so hard. I feel your fiancé had already decided he couldn't be what you wanted, so finishing was, for him, right. He was supportive to you, which must've been hard on him, knowing he was facing hurting you too. He is right, in that you deserve someone who is totally able to commit to you. The double grief you are experiencing could be causing the pain you have. Often when we experience the devastation you have, the immune system weakens and this can cause all sorts of pain, sometimes leading to minor infections. It's great your Dr is taking care of you, perhaps short term relaxation medication might benefit you. I suggest you let your Dr know what's happened as far as your broken engagement, your brother's death etc. As far as your car is concerned, do you have any knowledge on what could be wrong? It may be something fairly small? Not sure where you live, but sometimes calling the car club in your area means you get the mechanic to check the car for free, if you belong to the club. The mechanic will give you a run-down on the car's faults and often will give you an idea of costs involved in fixing it. The depression you are experiencing is understandable with everything you have had to face. Take time to grieve, with grieving comes peace and healing. Grief also means mixed feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, denial. Perhaps ask your Dr for some guidance on the emotions associated with grief. We have counselors here who can also assist you now. You can call BB's support line anytime.

Lynda

159357
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

for your sake i hope that you can come up with a fix, maybe try talking to him about it. I remember i was alienated and in denial for awhile, but now i sort of regret not following up and asking 'why?'. (I did but she refused to answer).

I wish you the best and see this through.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Spearmint, I am truly so sorry for the loss of your brother and offer my sincere condolences.
There are times when the person who loves you decides that they won't be able to help you, simply because they don't know what to do and how to support, so then they leave you, it's not because they don't love you, even though this is what they will tell you, so in other words it's the only way for him to go, because if you weren't depressed then the relationship would still be going.
At the moment we have two people struggling with depression, you and him, but he is in denial and doesn't want any help and believes he can overcome all of this by himself, but to suffer for two years he isn't making any progress and won't get any better until he accepts that he needs professional help.
This is what you also need to do contact your doctor, but I'm so sorry that when you have grief there maybe only temporary medication that could help you, but it's such an enormous loss to lose your brother and then the person you most needed in your life, the person you have loved for 6 1/2 years, and that's quite a long period, to suddenly just go, that's why you feel the way you do, and I can certainly feel your pain, but firstly you have to get help so that you can be the stronger person and then try and entice your partner back to be with you.
Please can you back to us because we are concerned for you. L Geoff. x

Janey123
Community Member

Spearmint,

So sorry about the loss of your brother, and to hear about your fiance. I don't really have any new advice that hasn't already been offered in the comments above, I just wanted to wish you all the best as you begin to heal. Be patient with yourself, what you've been through would bring anyone crashing down.

Take care of yourself.

Janey

Spearmint
Community Member

I just wanted to thank all of you. Your kind and gentle words brought me much needed solace when I felt very overwhelmed, it means more to me than you will know.

One day at a time and one foot in front of the other, I will heal myself and build a new foundation for my life.

Please know that you ARE making a difference. xx