Few/No Friends at 29… Am I doomed to be old and lonely?

[AlwaysAloneIrish]

First post on here, not sure if this is the right area.

I’m male, 29, diagnosed Asperger’s 20 years ago. I’m gay, in a stable relationship and have a stable, full time job. I should be happy, right?

I’m not happy. When I was at school, I was bullied and ostracised for most of it, years 2 - 12. One of the jibes I always used to get was “no friends Nigel”, coming from large groups of students pointing and laughing at me on my own. I never had a single friend throughout school, I never got invited to parties or gatherings.

After school ended I thought things would get better. But the group I fell into made me the butt of all jokes. This pattern has continued in the workplace. I’m nearly 30, have no solid friends and never get visitors. I’m always calling, messaging and asking to visit others. No one ever asks me to go out or invites me anywhere

Do I have a huge tattoo on my forehead that says: “Hi, I am a vulnerable dickhead and I want you to hate me!” !?!

I still get haunted by intrusive memories and I can still hear the boys from school laughing at me. Not anyone from school has contacted me in the 10 years since graduating, yet they all get together regularly.

My point is, I was a social reject for a decade at school during my formative years. Am I now cursed to always be a social reject, no matter how hard I try to change it?

and before you say “have you tried going to a psychologist?” I can’t get any appointments because normal healthy people have all of a sudden thought they need psychology. Now all psychologists and psychiatrists are closed appointment books, or cost an arm and leg to have my time wasted repeating the same story for no gain, again and again and again. I’m not paying $200 a session, including Medicare rebate for someone to sit there an nod their head, instead of doing their job and solving my problems.

[Dadoftwo]

Hi AlwaysAlone

Reading your post made feel very sad for you. You sound like a good person who's been on the end of some really crappy behaviour from others. The advice that's been offered here already is great and I can't really add any more - the others are right: put yourself out there with people of similar interests etc. Just wanted to say that I feel for you.

[AlwaysAloneIrish]

Hi Juliet_84

I still have faith I will find a crowd that I’ll fit into, part of the problem is finding time to socialise. I’m working 9 hour days at the moment, my partner is working even longer hours and subsequently we’re not seeing much of each other at the moment. My only sister is in Tasmania, my mum is currently in hospital in ICU after surgery and my dad doesn’t ring me. In amongst a full working week with all that going on I have no time to go out in the evenings, and the weekends just fly by. I feel that as much as I need a social life, conducting it and fitting it in an already hectic work life imbalance is a conundrum I just don’t have the energy to solve at the moment

[AlwaysAloneIrish]

Hi Dadoftwo

Please don’t feel sad for me. I unfortunately have been treated poorly by a large cohort of people throughout life, and I admit it probably has had some sort of traumatic imprint on me. I know my story is not a good one to read, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and express your empathy. It really helps keep my spirit going seeing all the messages of support and knowing that yes, I am not alone and others have had similar experiences. I honestly thought I was just being a sook and needed to toughen up.

Thank you, and everyone who has read my post and given supportive comments.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Alwaysalone,

I know how you feel. It does take a lot of time meeting new people and then trying to catch up, particularly when you work full time. Unfortunately that part of it doesn’t get easier when you have friends either as you still have to make the time to catch up fairly regularly etc. I am finding a struggle to find the time at the moment as well. But it is just something that you need to make time for if you want your situation to change. Otherwise you have to question whether you realistically have the time to make the extra commitment required. I’m the same as you but then I want people who I can go for walks with and dinner with etc so I run myself ragged a little bit trying to make it work. Or maybe you just need to set yourself a goal of 1-2 friends and focus your time there. Alternatively, what about a group gym class one or two days during the week - kill two birds with one stone?