Feeling sad, alone & unloved

[Elizabeth Louise]

I'm not having a good day or a good week. My husband is distant and cold with me again. I have noticed it really affects me when he's so withdrawn. 

I think he keeps scores as he's so focused on my mistakes or things that go wrong and never really looks at the positive. When I think of last weekend I think about all the good things and good moments and I forgot about what made me sad or stressed. But for him, he recalls all the negative and tends to just blame me for everything. I know I could have made better choices or decisions to avoid stress but sometimes things go wrong outside of my control. I just feel like he doesn't undersnd my perspective and just wants to hold grudges for events that occurred weeks ago because he just can't let things go, forgive and forget and move forward or focus on the positive. I really feel like he's keeping score of anything that I do that he doesn't like.

He's really distant and sleeping in the other bedroom again which visually tells me he is mad with me. How do I deal with this negative behaviour without letting it affect me so much?

EL

[nskye]

Hi Elizabeth,

First of all, I am sorry to hear that you have been having a hard week and about what has been happening in your marriage. I was wondering if your husband knows how you have been feeling and whether you both had a conversation about this? I understand how daunting it can be to have this conversation, but I believe it will help improve the situation. There are ways to be honest with one another without losing the relationship. Not having these complicated conversations may create more distance between you and your husband, so the sooner you both have these conversations, the better. Of course, we shouldn't go into the conversation heated; give yourself time to consider what you'll say beforehand, use statements that are really about you, and clearly state what you would like the resolution to be. What do you want to be different after the conversation? What is the way you both can do to move forward?. One last thing I would like to add is that it would probably be a good idea to go into the conversation with your expectations managed because there is always the possibility that the other person may not be able to understand or change their behaviour. 

Having hard conversations will not feel good when you have them, but things may be better afterwards. While it may be challenging to be honest about how you think, there may be some ease in your relationship with your husband that wasn't there before, so you both will have a chance to address the issue and work on it. I hope you can put your well-being first, and if the situation doesn't change and affect your well-being, it might be good to consider talking to a marriage counsellor or seek professional advice. 

I truly hope that you will be able to resolve this and feel free to reach out anytime as that's what we're here for 💙

Take care,

n

[livi_mivi]

Hey Elizabeth Louise, 

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it sounds like a really tough and emotional situation to be in! It sounds as though your husband is saying a lot without saying anything at all, which can be an extremely hard and frustrating thing for yourself to have to go through. It is not fair that you are left to assume with how your partner is feeling and have him act this way towards you. As nskye mentioned, it can be extremely hard to have conversations around how you are feeling, especially when you don't feel as though your partner is being receptive of what you are saying. Sometimes, some people just need a little bit of time to unpack how they are feeling and get past their anger and that is okay. It's not okay however to shut someone out and stonewall when you are feeling this way. Perhaps, it could be helpful to let him know how his behaviour is impacting you e.g. "I feel lonely/sad/rejected when we don't speak to one another after a fight as........". Let him know that you understand that he is frustrated and might need some time to think and process his emotions and how verbalising this with you would be really helpful for you. Hopefully by showing your understanding, or at least your willingness to understand, a conversation around how you can both contribute to resolving the original problem can ensue at some point. It's always hard to navigate conversations and it might not be productive to have conversations that are emotionally charged or heated in some way as there might be more focus on orchestrating your next response to one point rather than hearing what the person is trying to say. 

It could be helpful to also focus on your own wellbeing during this time. Are there certain activities, hobbies, places that you can do/go to that make you feel better? Do you have people that you can reach out to within your social circle? Do you feel that it might be helpful to reach out to mental health professionals to discuss these matters further? It's important to be kind to yourself during this time! 🙂 

I really hope that you can both reach a resolution and feel heard in your conversations. Please take care and continue to reach out for support on these forums x 

[Petal22]

Hi Elizabeth Louise,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Elizabeth Louise this is purely a reflection of your husband and his choices, he can choose to focus on the negative if he wishes but this is only going to cause him more anguish internally which really isn’t good for him.

Its up to your husband to become aware of this and then decide to change his outlook for the positive but it’s his journey and he can only decide on this.

While your husband chooses to be this way you don’t have to, you can always choose the positive and hold your vibration at a positive level.

Just try to keep yourself with a positive outlook and if you can try not to allow your husbands negativity to get inside you. ( it takes practice) .

We can’t always control what other people do but what we can control is our reaction to it. “ that’s we’re your power is”.

Try not allow other peoples behaviour to disturb your inner peace ❤️🙏

[blackwhite]

Hi Elizabeth  👋 without knowing your exact situation I would say he likes to make you feel ' bad '. Just get on with something you love doing, go walking get some air and come home and enjoy your euphoria. Life is too short x

[Juliet_84]

Hi Elizabeth Louise,

Its clear to me from reading your posts that you are a naturally empathetic and sensitive person, and I see a lot of similarities between you and I. Your husband also reminds me a lot of my ex-partner, prickly, always looking at everything in a negative light, and very reactive. But that is his problem and his personality and you know this about him, so your goal is to not let him drag you into it (as he will want to do). It’s very difficult as people like that always need to create drama and keep the focus about them so they will try and drag you in and resist your withdrawal (because they will feel it). My ex-partner was very emotionally abusive and narcissistic and so I had to learn how to be happy despite being in that situation otherwise I knew I would fall into a deep depression. You cannot let someone have that type of power over you. For me, that involved plenty of solo time, taking the good with the bad (ie when he was in a good mood, I would be agreeable and fine but when he wasn’t I learned to get out of there and do things on my own (such as go to a movie) or with friends), and establishing a solid network of girlfriends who I could call on when home wasn’t good. Your partner is supposed to be your safe space and a support to you rather than a source of anguish, so it’s  sad that it has to be this way. I hope you manage to find your peace x

[geoff]

Hello EL, I'm sorry this is happening and whether or not he is suffering from some type of MI you won't really know, but if however, he focuses on all situations as being negative, then this could be possible.

When he is withdrawn then hoping he will open up to you seems very unlikely, because he wants to be in charge and dominant your marriage, but isn't going to make you feel comfortable at all.

The more you try and overcome this by providing his best meal and anything else, he may still find a problem with this, no matter how hard you try.

You need to know whether or not this is the way you want to live, struggling to find a medium, where it's acceptable for both of you and what you both agree on, or whether you want some 'time out' where you can get some help to try and regain your strength back.

Living like this is only demeaning for you, because you can't do anything right, and that's not what life is all about, you need to have some joy in life.

Please let us know your thoughts.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thank you for your post Geoff. Absolutely, I have been saying this for a while now that I want more Joy in life. 

EL

[Elizabeth Louise]

I know I'm just really tired, exhausted actually. I'm not getting enough quality sleep. 

My husband told me he wants to seperate again 4 weeks ago. It's been an on-going discussion for the past 2 years. 

Things get better and whenever something upsets him, we are back to this horrible state where I'm feeling depressed, unloved, alone, insecure, really uneasy. It's been a stressful few weeks and I feel as though my health is deteriorating. How do I get back on track to prioritising myself witu so much uncertainty?

Before this came up again last month, i was feeling great, regularly excercising and feeling good but I didn't realise he was still holding resentment from a fight we had a month earlier. 

All he wants to do is talk about problems and focus on problems so much that we end up spending hours going over the same topics because he cant see my perspective even though i can understand his. He thinks we need to resolve issues and not brush them under the carpet which he thinks i do. But the truth is i just choose to focus on the good, positive and not spend so much time dwelling on negativity. I just want us to be happy together again and create good happy moments with our children. 

Also, I had been questioning whether he has been talking to family members a while ago. I had suspected his dad has interfered in our marriage from 2 years ago when I noticed really strange changes in my husbands behaviour. My husband finally confirmed this yesterday to be true. 

I know my father-in-law is encouraging my husband to divorce me over a comment he made to me last year. Something along the lines of "You've had issues before" "Some couples get through Covid, some people dont". 

At the moment I'm trying to stay distracted and focus on work, but my mind can't help but wonder. 

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm drowning.

[Elizabeth Louise]

How do I cope with the idea of seperation? I still love my husband of 15 years. 

The pain is unbearable, I am scared that i wont be able to survive this. He was my first boyfriend & my only Love.

I have been denial because I still want to save my marriage. But he's reached his limit. He's been talking of seperation for 2 years, but now I really believe him. He's serious this time as he's got legal advice and wants to talk to a real estate agent next week to sell our home.

If I allow my emotions to flow I spiral into a hole and cry for days. Or do I just try to cut out emotion entirely? I did that last night just so we could sleep. I was able to talk logically and practically, no emotion. Is that sustainable? Maybe I'm still hanging onto hope which is keeping me calm. Hope that he will change his mind again and we will be together.  Otherwise I don't think I can get through this. I feel like this will kill me. 

Help!!!