Feeling lost and confused

[TFN]

Hi, I have been with my husband for 20years, married for 11 of those. We have a large age gap but this has never been any issue between us..I am feeling lost and unsure where to go from here, About 2 weeks ago he went out to footy with 3 workmates and they ended up at a strip club where he paid for a lap dance for one of the guys, who then didn't take it and he says that nobody did and it was waste of money but then when he came home he lied to me about the night and I only know about the strip joint and lap dance as I found out from some one else and then confronted my husband.  We had several intense phone calls about it and he stands by that he never got lap dance and none of the girls came near him, that he sat at the bar whole time and admits to lying about it cause he thought I would get angry about him going there,  but he wouldn't come home from work, he is fifo, to talk face to face about it and now there has been no contact for days. He says that he  has changed over past few years, since losing brother in law,  and is feeling numb to so many things. He has also said that he realises he has messed up and that he is sorry, I dont deserve this and that loves me and doesn't want to lose our marriage, family and the last 20years, He wants to build the trust back in our relationship..I am just feeling that I am not good enough, am worthless and that he doesnt care...I just don't know what to do or where to go from here..any words would be appreciated 

[Croix]

Dear TFN~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, a good place to come to hear other's views.

OK, at the moment you have had a 20 year relationship and family, which is something of great worth.

You also have a husband who has done something foolish and selfish and then lied about it. He does however say he values the relationhip and wants to rebuild trust. It may be he is reluctant to talk about it knowing he has behaved badly, then again it may be he uses words not actions - hard to judge

To be fair, being fifo is hard on both persons in any relationship, particularly the lack of daily communication and just being with someone. This can leave the person left behind to feel uncertain and left out, though these feelings my not be the case.

Having someone close pass away does change a person and it is quite believable he has become numb about certain things. I have bouts of depression and too feel numb or not know what my feelings are at times.

This does not stop me from loving someone, though at those times I may not show it.

If you want the relationship to continue I'd think that it may be a matter of finding out how genuine his desire to rebuild is. You may not be able to judge by what had happened and been said up to now, it may take time in the future to really know how things stand.

I'd agree that being lied to does seem to show a lack of care and respect for you, not something I'd keep on putting up with -though that's your decision of course. However it is not your worth that comes into question, it is his.

Do you have anyone you can talk frankly with ? A family member or friend? It can help to have someone else there just to listen and care.

Croix