Feeling lonely in a marriage

[QueenB_]

I've been married for over a year now and my first year of marriage wasn't the best. My husband worked a lot so I only got one Sunday once a fortnight to spend with him. And on these Sunday's it felt like we had to fit everything in that one day. This was only temporary, and he understood this. Now he is home a lot but leaves every single day to work out with his friends. While this doesn't seem like a big deal, it's more like i'm being left alone again for something more appealing to him.

I'm probably over reacting and just need someone to tell me whether I am or not. But my husband has been stubborn and working out with these 2 guys every single day. And when they aren't working out, they always want to hang out for a few drinks and smoke. This is everyday!! (Firstly, with the Covid-19 situation we are in, they shouldn't even be doing this). Anyway, they call several times a day and is always the first call we get in the morning. I guess he needs his friends and space, but I don't like being woken up first thing in the morning by one of them. And it's ALWAYS asking if he can hang for a few hours EVERY DAY.

These guys are nice, but they drink and smoke excessively, and use very bad language when they speak. I don't like what my husband becomes when he is with these guys. 2 days ago was our 6 year anniversary and the day he proposed to me 3 years ago. He's not the one to ever buy me flowers or gifts...so whatever. But he left to be with his friends. All I wanted was to spend time together and have dinner together. Lately, I've been having dinner alone every night and have no family or friends where I live.

Is it ok for my husband to hang out with these guys everyday? One of the guys is also married and has a kid. I'm afraid if I have a kid, he will do the same thing. And with the drinking and smoking, it will kill our relationship. Sometimes they ask to come over to sit and drink for a few hours. I feel like I don't have my privacy anymore and I'm losing my husband to bad influence. I am ok with drinking/smoking in moderation.. it's a bit of fun. But not like this... every single day especially with these guys.

Please advise.

[Betternow]

Good morning QueenB

Welcome to the forum. The title of your post sums your situation neatly, unfortunately.

You don’t say how old you are but I’m guessing under thirty? If that’s the case it seems your husband and you hooked up when you were both fairly young. Sometimes when you team up with a partner at a young age, both parties don’t necessarily reach full emotional maturity at the same time.

The behaviour your husband is exhibiting reminds me of my life when I was about 19. Going to the pub and hanging around with mates was pretty standard for us young bachelors.

However that should all change when you marry. The very definition of marriage is that your spouse takes premier position over all other human beings. The fact he missed your anniversary and you eat alone at night is more than enough reason for you to set some clear expectations. If he can’t or won’t meet those expectations, you may have to consider your future with this man.

One thing I feel certain about, do not have children until your husband changes his behaviour. You need to see action, not words.

[Guest909]

Hi QeenB

My wife did the same thing to me. She valued her social networks, her friends, more than she valued our marriage.

While I was working, it was no big deal. I would go off to work leaving her free to socialise. After I retired, the issue came to a head and we ended up separating after 30+ years of marriage. Evidently my retirement interfered with her busy social life.

So, in answer to your question, I don't think you are "over reacting"; there may be an underlying problem.

That being said, it is good that your husband has friends to hang out with; it's good for him and it's for you. However, in a marriage the spouse should always come first and friends second.

I hope things turn out better for you.