Feeling hopeless

[A147]

Hi,  I posted a few years ago about my cheating husband……. Many chances and years later I’m still here in this situation and I’m feeling hopeless.  Many looking in from the outside would see a perfect situation, financial stability and a dream life but I still feel completely out of control.  My daughter is suffering as I have sunk to an all time low in my depression.  The affair aside my husband has always been very controlling, being with him is like being on a roller coaster, my daughter and I never know who will walk through the door.   We both work together so in front of our staff he will portray a loving husband even if he’s belittled me that morning.  He is not interested in how I feel or am feeling and never has been, I must support him in all that he does.  I was too young to know what coercive control was or looked like when we got together. But all I know now is that I felt wrong from the get go and forced myself into a situation I thought was right.  My family do not like him and my closest ally, my sister, has now washed her hands of me at what she thinks is my feeble attempts to leave.  I announced that I wished to seperate last week but he thinks I’m bluffing again.  I don’t know how to get out of this…. I need support but I can’t ask my family at the moment, they’ve always been amazing but I think I may have used up all my empathy credit with them., I am in such a deep depression I really don’t want to be here anymore, I can’t bail out because I wouldn’t do it to my daughter, not sure where to draw my strength from now as all I want to do is sleep.  Thought about calling 1800 respect to find out whether relationship is really abusive because where I’m sitting I’m not sure anymore. I’m almost 50 and I love being by myself so I’m not afraid to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m just afraid for my child who is 11 and loves her father but does fear him a little.  There has been no physical violence just emotional abuse…. I’d just love to hear from anyone really who has had a similar experience. Thanks for letting me speak

[therising]

Hi A147

My heart truly goes out to you with so much love. What you face is so heartbreaking, a relationship that has become so incredibly depressing to the point where it's impacting you on so many levels. While I personally haven't faced infidelity in my marriage, I can relate to the impact of deeply challenging emotions in a relationship and how this can lead to depression/s.

I think inner dialogue plays a huge part in a depressing relationship. It's so important to listen to how our inner dialogue plays out, just for a start. While we can have our so called 'inner demons' (relating to fear, self doubt, harsh self criticism etc), I've found there is also a somewhat divine side to inner dialogue. What sounds divine is of the greatest guidance. What sounds not so divine is the kind of dialogue that can keep us in a depression and in the same depressing relationship for years. To be in 2 minds can definitely feel like a confusing form of torture at times. Inner dialogue, for example, can sound like

Positive: 'Call 1800 RESPECT'

Negative: 'You can't call that number, it's for people experiencing serious abuse. While the relationship's depressing, is it really all that abusive?' (Self doubt)

Pos: 'You know it's abusive and it has also now become depressing. Phone the number, just for a start, even if it's just for guidance and a sense of support'

Neg: 'If they suggest leaving, what's that going to do to your daughter?' (Fear)

Pos: 'Imagine you and your daughter living joyfully together, being who you both naturally are, without any fear of saying or doing the 'wrong' thing. Imagine the freedom that comes with being yourselves'

Neg: 'Think of all the things you're going to lose if you leave' (Fear)

Pos: 'Think of all the things you're going to gain if you leave'

Neg: 'If you just tried harder, things wouldn't be this bad. Part of this is your fault' (Self blame)

Pos: 'You have got to stop taking the blame for what has become a deeply depressing relationship'

Positive inner dialogue relates strongly to the truth, which is why it has a completely different feel to depressing inner dialogue.

While my husband and I still live on the same property (me and the kids in the house and him in the granny flat in our back yard) something in me suddenly woke up one day and virtually yelled at me 'THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! This relationship is messing with your head and has been for years'. This is when I said to my husband 'I can't live like this anymore, it's destroying me'. We reached an agreement that suited both of us (living separately on the same property). Whether we reform ourselves and our marriage or completely separate is a whole other story. My so called inner demons relating to fear, self doubt, harsh self criticism, low self esteem and even self hatred had me cycling for 20 years or so in and out of depression yet the fact remained my husband was largely a self serving person, something he's admitted to on more than one occasion. It was my 21yo daughter who helped wake me up when she said something along the lines of 'If your bar for a good relationship simply involves Dad not physically beating us, him bringing in an income, him not cheating on you and him helping to provide a roof over our heads, you set a low bar for yourself'. She's a wise one. It think it's important to identify how low or high our bar is set. This reflects our level of self esteem. My bar was on the floor before I woke up to the need to raise it. In turn I began raising myself, which has brought my kids a greater sense of joy.