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Feeling hopeless.

Bibbetyboo
Community Member

I left my ex because he was really controlling and abusive in a short time. we have a son
He’s rearranged everything we agreed to in mediation to suit himself + his new girlfriend which he’s just confessed.
Apparently he’s been seeing her for 5 months and is getting his health checks under the guise of being a fit parent, but not to our son, to the one he plans on having with the other “girl” in less than 12 months.

He’s 52 and if he has another baby 8 months out of our break down, he will now have 3 families to 3 different woman with 4 children living paycheck to paycheck and barely bonding with our DS.

As the primary carer his inability to be flexible is starting to cause problems and when it comes to a third party, he just lies. He lies to the courts and to the mediator.
I dont have a car, he can’t take our son primarily because he says “im too lazy” but also he works 4 days a week. the other days i found out are being spent in the city with his new GF and he’s been lying.
Christmas he didn’t contact me or his son because he was secretly off with his new girlfriend for 5 DAYS! he lied and said he was at work.
For weeks since then, he ditches time with his son claiming work is hectic and messes up child rearing payments because he needs money to take his new girlfriend out for valentine’s day then lies to me about it.
I cant go back to school because of time constraints, can’t get a job any more than 2 days a week because he wont negotiate which gets us financially nowhere.
On at least 3 - 4 occasions in the 4 months he has known his son, he just hasn’t turned up to pick us up and left us stranded in 28 degree sun, stonewalled me told his son he will call then doesn’t or just simply says “NO” to come and see his son with no reason.

He hasn’t provided income for us until last September. I am so poor. I have spent all my savings (12,000) on our son.
He hasn’t built a bond with his son and appears to be replacing time with his son that he sent me a lawyer to get, with another woman.
I’m so saddened that this person seems to be bother economically bullying me. He makes low ball remarks about what i can and cant afford and appears to be quickly making plans to replace me as a mother as well as stealing my dreams and settling in my home town and eventually making good on his promise to take our son off of me for no valid reason but that I am so poor and because of his inflexibility and unwillingness to provide finances to centrelink, im totally screwed.

7 Replies 7

Bibbetyboo
Community Member
I need to fix my post a bit.

I left my ex because we didnt work out but by the time i did leave, i was pregnant.
Ex was so difficult during the pregnancy i ended up living in a homeless shelter for some time and worked hard to find a rental during the pandemic as well as keep it until now.
DS is flourishing but he is deeply cut when his dad leaves or does not come to see him or even call him.
instead he has been with another woman 8 months after our break up and planning to have kids quickly with her because he wants to use those children to lure DS to live with him.
Supervising visitation i have noticed that my Ex is very dangerous on the road with DS in the back, he doesnt pay attention and though i call him out he just gets defensive and keeps doing it.
Txting while driving, rearing into the wrong lane and looking over his shoulder at DS instead of using rear view.
He was “playing” with DS and got too rough. DS cried and i comforted him but ex just shouted at me 4 or 5 times instead of apologising to DS for being too rough “I wasn’t going to drop him”
He blamed me and my family for stonewalling his own son for 5 days over Christmas after i diligently tried to make plans with him for weeks. He lied and said he had to work, but he was off with his girlfriend for 5 days.
I know i cant stop him having a girlfriend but there are other things. When supervising and David cries for me, X will try to snatch at him and rip him from my arms, this has happened 3 times now DS is crying for me and X wont let him go to me and is quite rough about it.
He’s also made multiple smug remarks about having all the money and makes constant excuses not to report to Centrelink for child support (pays whenever he wants privately)
I feel he will quickly impregnate this next young girl, then try to use it to convince david to live with him while brainwashing him that I am a nut case.
He did the exact same thing to his ex before me who he dumped coldly after 25 years and tells everyone she is the purport actor of the exact behaviour’s he exhibited that had me packing.

Everything that ever happens hits me so much harder and i have to chin up and suck it up while he runs around doing whatever he wants. seems hell bent on revenge.
how can i minimise this? how can i get on with things? I feel like everything i do will set some precedent for tit and tat behaviours just because I left him.
He has no regret BTW and has convinced himself he’s justified.

Hi, welcome

What I have to say, some of it wont be to your liking. I have empathy for your situation but we have to be truthful also.

You indicate that 12 months is too short a time to get together with another woman. Well, its a free society, there is no time limit, no minimum. He is free to move in with another woman the day he left you and there isnt anything illegal about that. His values are for him to base his life on, not anyone elses.

You said "He’s 52 and if he has another baby 8 months out of our break down, he will now have 3 families to 3 different woman with 4 children living paycheck to paycheck and barely bonding with our DS." It might be not common to have 3 families to 3 women but again it isnt illegal. His age is irrelevant.

"As the primary carer his inability to be flexible is starting to cause problems and when it comes to a third party, he just lies. He lies to the courts and to the mediator." You cant stop someone lying. That's for them to decide. The only thing you can do is make sure that any action or inaction that is illegal is reported. Get used to writing emails to child support, mediators etc so you have a paper trail of misconduct if and when you need it.

"For weeks since then, he ditches time with his son claiming work is hectic and messes up child rearing payments because he needs money to take his new girlfriend out for valentine’s day then lies to me about it." I'm a dad that paid child support every fortnight without fail for 14 years. I have sympathy for you in this regard as he should pay. Again, every time he doesnt pay for his child support email the agency and report him. I suggest you never agree to you and him having a private arrangement for him to pay, he'll likely stop paying one day and you have to go through it all again.

"Christmas he didn’t contact me or his son because he was secretly off with his new girlfriend for 5 DAYS! he lied and said he was at work." I feel you are envious or angry he has time with his girlfriend, when he is free to do as he likes. You have a good point though that he should contact you about changes in his visitations with your son. If I was you I'd wait one hour past the deadline, not tell your son he is due to collect him and after that leave your residence as if the visitation isnt going ahead. Then go and have a visit to a friends place but put it behind you because you are spending too much thinking about him and his life.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

WaterFront
Community Member

Hi Bibbetyboo,

Your ex-partner has let you and your son down and seems not to be meeting his obligations. TonyWK is right in saying that your ex-partner is free to do that though I would add that the way he is behaving speaks to his values. I find that when you accept there are things you can't change or have any control over, like the way he is behaving, it makes it easier to let go of them and be able to focus on the things that you can control. Like being there for your son and providing a stable environment for him on your own.

I understand this must be very difficult for you to endure and would be very painful to have to deal with. I can't tell you what to do as we all cope in different ways but if it were me in this situation, I would try to mentally and emotionally walk away and try not to give the ex any 'brain-space'. If he continues not to meet his financial obligations then go through the legal channels as TonyWK suggested.

WF

You indicate that 12 months is too short a time to get together with another woman. Well, its a free society, there is no time limit, no minimum.
I didn’t mean to embellish at all that three was some social time frame, what i was highlighting was that in less than 12 months he has spent near zero time with his son though claims this is a priority and leaving us in 28 degree heat after agreeing to help while not answering his phone for 2 days is appalling behaviour. all it took was a simple NO.
He tells me he is coming then calls off or makes other plans though via the mediator he told her he has 3.5 days a week to spend with him. I dont bother him or dog him for time, but i have asked for DS sake that he spend a little of that time a week, he agreed and now wants out of the arrangement.
He’s asked to have DS stay with him regularly which we made a plan to work towards and now hes abandoning us.
I don’t argue or fight with him i have been as understanding as I can with a person who seems to be completely avoiding proper communication or negotiation and blaming his whole act on me.

You’ve attempted a reality shake too hard. I have my wits about me but i am here for support too. I am the shell of a woman and cant make a solid plan because he refuses to come to the table. all thats left is to go to court, but thats just another poke at a bear i cant afford to fight.
I know the truth sir, i am living it and only have limited words to express what this has put me through.

You make it sound like i spend all my time combing over this person, no. I spend all of my time devoted to our son and all the money i have. It’s 24/7 work with no help but the activities we engage in.
I don’t have the time to argue with him, txt him and follow him. I don’t even have social media and cant use the internet for the 14 hours a day DS is awake.
I am not interested in having him back at all and don’t fixate on what he is doing UNLESS he made prior arrangements with his son and has negated them for some other priority.
I feel deeply you have an idea of me that is unfair.
I do care deeply when this person lies to me, because he’s the father of our son and I need to depend on his word and his actions. I have given him sooo much comfort time and i am the shell of a woman clearly.
Yes i feel robbed. I feel robbed because i believed him all the times he said he wanted to be an outstanding father to DS, and he’s just not even there.

Hi Bibbetyboo,

I can hear your frustration and disappointment in your ex-partner's behaviour. And quite rightly so. It sounds like he is saying one thing and then doing another. Not doing what he says he will and changing his mind with little or no notice. That's on him and you can't control or change that. He is going to do what he is going to do. While that would be incredible frustrating for you, I would really suggest you try to see it as his problem. You are doing everything you can to provide a stable environment for your son and possibly you might have to let go of the idea that your ex is going to be supportive in that scenario.

WF

Hi Bibbetyboo,

I’m sorry to hear of the situation your find yourself in. It can’t be easy and I can hear the anger and resentment towards you ex in your words. But I also see where Tony is coming from with his advice. We of course are supportive of everyone in this forum but we also aren’t just here to tell people want they want to hear, but sometimes what is best for them to ultimately make their lives better. I’m not going to lie, some of your language in your original post was telling “his new girlfriend which he’s just confessed” “the other days he’s spent in the city with his new girlfriend and he’s been lying” etc. It is very clear that you are hurting, it can’t be easy to have someone move on so quickly and to feel discarded or replaced.
But those are feelings that you will need to work through and overcome. Tony is right in that he really doesn’t owe you anything now that you are separated, he doesn’t need to confess anything.Technically you shouldn’t really even be asking, under the guise of access or otherwise. Similarly, it is not his responsibility to pick you up, that is no longer his role and it’s not appropriate. If he chooses to pick up his son then that is his business but he likely felt uncomfortable picking you up given your clearly deteriorated relationship. It is clear that you both need to sit down and establish some clear boundaries that you can both agree on regarding your son. I think that if you both actually agree on things then you have more of a chance of a successful outcome.

Your comments in your second post about your ex-husbands driving and the other things also concerned me, but not for the reasons you were intending. As hard as it is, I would urge you to put aside your own negative feelings about your ex and his new partner for the sake of your son and encourage him to have a decent relationship with his father. He doesn’t need to know all of the shitty things his father has done to you. When we place adult issues onto child’s shoulders we irreversibly write on the slate of who they are as human beings. Please spare a thought for him and the damage that would cause him, and his future romantic relationships. Your son will grow up to form his own opinions one day about his father and his behaviour, but if you try and poison his view he will also remember that, and the only relationship that will harm is yours.