Feeling helpless alcoholic partner and worried about my own mental health

[Suckerforpunishment]

Hi

I’ve been with my current partner for around 6 years, he’s always been a heavy drinker but in the last 12 months or so it has become worse. He drinks around 10-12 cans of beer each night. I have tried to talk to him about the problem and the impact it is having on our relationship and the example it is setting for my two young children. I’ve also recently started working as a nurse and seeing the impact alcohol has on the patients I take care of is devastating. He is not violent when drinking but can be aggressive - as in he will stand over me or edge closer to my face and point his finger at me while loudly speaking … I feel his drinking is affecting me a lot more each day I feel helpless and lost and angry most of the time. It has gotten to the point that I cringe when I hear the cans open.
I don’t know what to do anymore I just feel like crying and am hating my life

[Sophie_M]

Hi imdone and erveyone else 🙂

Thank you all for being a part of this conversation, it can be really difficult when relationships and addiciton combine in this way. It is wonderful that you have come to this forum to share your experiences and to seek support. 

We have offered some options above but wanted to remind everyone of a few places that you can get support if you need it. 

Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Lifeline 13 11 14
Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Drinkwise - A webstie with lots of good information about alcohol addiction and abuse. 

Thank you all for being supportive in this thread, we hope that these is something that can help here. Please reach out and ask for support if you need it, we are here for you and you are not alone. 

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

[Kornblume]

Hi suckerforpunishment and everyone else,

I can relate very well to your posts, as I am married to an alcoholic for 25 years. We had lots of good times and lots of not so good times.

It all would be so much easier just leaving and start over, I often ask myself why I still hang in there? But then, I still love my husband when he is sober and we got on quite well and we lived quite a normal married life until it went out of control about half year ago. His drinking and severe depression on his side was to much to handle for me.

I think at some point the partner of an addicted person has to become a bit selfish. You will have to make sure that you are happy and in a position where you and your family feels safe. Do things without your partner and try to be as independent as possible.

For me and my husband this means we manage both our finances seperate, I don't feel like I want to pay for his alcohol. We still live in the same house, but plenty of space, I am upstairs and he is downstairs. We have meals together and do things together but he only drinks in his rooms and I don't have the urge to control how much he drinks anymore. It works for us at the moment we still have up and downs. We leave it open if we might move back in together or seperate altogether.

If you don't feel happy in your relationship you will have to change something. Don't wait for your partner to stop drinking he most likely won't.

[geoff]

Hello Kornblume, a good comment.

No matter what someone promises to a partner/spouse for them to stop drinking will never eventuate, the alcohol is far too strong, and many times you will be disappointed.

If they are addicted, the person may promise the world when intoxicated, but it's completely different to when they're sober, their mind will only be when the clock turns to the time they believe it's OK to start drinking, or if the situation is desperate, they don't care about the clock and drink as soon as they're out of bed.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Suckerforpunishment]

Thank you for your reply 🙂

here I am back here after a few months. Same situation it hasn’t changed .. at all.
can I ask what outlet you have ? To get away so to speak? I’ve tried talking about this issue with my sister who I’m very close with and my dad (who also drinks heavily but not as much as my partner) but none of them seem to offer advice or want to talk about it with me. It’s mentally draining. I feel all those emotions you mention, but mostly anger and resentment.
this is really hard… he is a good man I believe and doesn’t treat me badly, this is embarrassing but I don’t even want to be intimate with him, and I can tell this depresses him too. But I can’t help but think “well what do you expect!”

[Suckerforpunishment]

Hi Imdone

thank you for your reply, I know what you mean when you say you’re at the end - that’s exactly how I feel.. I’m interested to know as I haven’t been on for a while and it’s taken me a while to get back to you.. how are you going with it ?
still hanging in there ?

[Suckerforpunishment]

Thanks Geoff

yes I understand this clock you are talking about. My partner used to drink around lunch time on weekends, I found this disgusting and he was using excuses like -*he’d mowed the lawns -time for a beer
* footys on time for a beer

*visiting a friend time for a beer

i spoke to him about it and told him when he starts drinking this early he is smashed by 2 and doesn’t eat then gets even more drunk and passes out

now his routine is he waits until around 4:30 when he feeds the dogs … as soon as he feeds the dogs , the beer opens .

just last week I worked an early shift 7:30-4 and he offered to drive me so I didn’t have to pay for parking. That was lovely but then my boss asked me to work a double shift, I reluctantly agreed as they were short staffed but I knew I wouldn’t be popular with my partner as. Ow I don’t finish until 10:30pm.

when I rang him to explain he asked if I wanted him to bring my car in … this to me is not an option, there is not parking anywhere near where I work and If you want one in the multistory car parks you have to be early or have hospital ID.

I said no and could instantly hear the tone in his voice when he said “ok I’ll just pick you up then?”
I said yes please …

this is my life everyday this, and I know his children (who are grown and moved out) have learned to deal with this .. they know they can’t rely on him for a ride after 5pm he will be drunk … if there’s an emergency call an ambulance or someone else … can’t stay out if he hasn’t taken beer with him he will always find a stupid excuse to go home but I know it’s to get his beer

I honestly feel like crying as I’m typing this

this is my life and I hate it

[smallwolf]

I read what I consider to be a heart breaking story ... your story.

And it one sense sounded a little like venting - letting out your frustrations or anger to the world about the behaviour of your partner. I also read you said you had tried talking with him about this, though it sounds like that did not work out. As Geoff said and you also mentioned the effects this has on other people such as yourself.

Now I am over 50 now with my own issues, but I had get advice on how to talk to my wife so that it would not look like I was blaming or pointing the finger in her direction etc. If you are interested in me sharing something about this please let me know.

The other thing I was curious about was when it becomes too much? Or that you have had enough? Have you been able to anyone at work or friends about this?

The questions above are more for reflection and please do not feel pressured to answer here. But I am listening and if you want to chat some more...