Feeling defeated months after my breakup

[Mitchel_C]

Its been 4 months since me and my girlfriend of 2 years have broken up. I am 22 and she was 20. I ran into a lot of mental health problems involving depression and anxiety throughout our relationship due to unrelated factors, which subsequently caused problems in our relationship involving confidence, self-esteem, trust and enthusiasm. I also pretty much stopped taking care of myself, which was completely out of character. I gained a lot of weight, stopped studying, barely worked and overall degraded my own self image which led me to having 0 confidence.

Towards the end of our relationship and coming out of the entire Covid situation, I managed to kick my depression and truly started to become myself again. I got in the best shape I had been in for a while, made a solid effort at uni and overall started making positive changes in my life. Unfortunately, the timing of these positively shifting moments in my life were disrupted when my girlfriend decided she was no longer in love with me. To save a very long story, we just had different motivations / personalities and she felt like she wanted new experiences in life that I had been limiting her from. I was very understanding though it was extremely painful for me to accept. We tried being friends for around a month but decided it wasnt going to work after separately accusing each other of trying to move onto other people on various occasions. I was ideally trying to prove that I could truly change to be the man she once fell in love with, but she was set on starting her new career as well as gaining a bunch of new friends.

We have pretty much unfriended / blocked each other on all forms of social media and havent talked to one another for over a month. Through mutual friends, I have heard and seen that she is very much 'happy' and enjoying her new lifestyle. Whilst I am happy for her, its also really painful to see every now and again.

I have been focusing on myself throughout this time, making sure im surrounded by my close friends/family, exercising a bunch, studying and working. Though I just feel like im not doing enough and im not enough.

I have been on a few dates and am somewhat talking to a new girl, though I dont feel like I would want a relationship with this person so im just not motivated outside of wanting sex.

Some days I just break down because im not the person I want to be, some days I just dont want to be lonely. I just want to be confident enough to go after the people im interested in.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mitchel C,

We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time with your partner. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. I’m sure our lovely community members will spot it soon, but do feel free to share more about how you’re feeling in the meantime.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Banksy92]

Hi Mitchel C,

I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup and the difficult period you have been through over the past few months. I know it can be deeply painful to not only lose someone you care about, but then adjust to life without them while you are still picking up the pieces of your own mental health.

Well done to you for putting in so much hard work around your health though and it sounds like you have some positive things going on as well (work, study, loved ones) - these are all big strengths in your favour!

If you can try to steer clear from looking at her socials, or talking about her with mutual contacts that will help you close the chapter too, rather than dwelling. I believe with a bit more time and distance from the relationship you will start to feel better. Dipping your toe in the dating world can be helpful too, even if it's just a casual fling or a couple of dates - these experiences are helpful steps to move on emotionally. Don't put pressure on yourself to find another relationship though, as you have all the time in the world.

If you find you are still struggling with your mental health and could use some extra support, perhaps have a chat with your GP about seeing a counsellor?

Keep us in the loop of how you're travelling with it all.

[The_Bro]

Hey there Mitchel C, thanks for your post - and welcome to my past world!

I thought I'd share my experience with you as it does have a happy ending and is very similar to yours.

She was gorgeous and we were together for four years. Then for the same reasons as yours, she pulled the pin and decided to move on. The waves of loneliness, self pity, anger and emptiness kept coming at me in waves for ages, at least a year. I confess to even driving past her place once - was that stalking? I did write a closure letter that I never sent - but it helped to put on paper how I felt. I kept it positive for my own well being and finished by wishing her well.

Bumping into her on occasions at a party or at the shops was horrible, but again I tried to keep it positive. Letting negative thoughts into the scene won't help. With mutual friends I was also careful to keep it as positive as I could and not criticise her.

I was surprised how long the 'waves' kept coming but grew to accept them. Then about 2years later along came a beautiful soul who is now my wife. My ex girlfriend is still single and I have heard little bit jealous that I am so happy.

It's fantastic to hear that you've had the great strength to recover, and are now looking after yourself - self love has to come before loving someone else after all to make things work. I'm positive that things will work out for you - I think that 4 months is not very long to get over a long relationship and start dating for longer term reasons. True friendship is the best foundation for a quality relationship with lots of mutual respect and love.

So keep on surfing those waves as they hit you, don't worry too much about picking up someone else as it will happen when you are good and ready - probably when you lest expect it!

All the very best, I am thinking of you and thanks so much for your post.

Happy to chat again any time. The Bro.