Father's affair

[Nico2]

Hi guys, I just want to talk about my dad's affair which I found out about around 3 months ago.

So this isn't my dad's first time having an affair and when he did last time I was very young and the first thing I did was I told my mum and I caused a divorce and blamed myself for it. My dad also blamed me calling me stupid and a family breaker. I was traumatized ever since however they remarried and things went okay until I found out again. Currently both my parents are unemployed meaning my dad is like 80% of the time overseas as he says that he feels lonely here due to not having friends and being unable to speak english. I was okay with not seeing him much as I knew my mother and him didn't get along very well. When I overheard his conversation on the phone I was angry and wanting to cry. I then had major depression issues and things were really bad for me for a while. I knew that I wasn't going to tell my mum this time as it only caused her to breakdown last time. The thought that my dad is enjoying himself overseas while my mum takes care of the family makes me so guilty that I am not telling her about my dad and it makes me feel no better than my father. I love both my parents but I'm at this point where I push myself away from both of them as I don't want to have anything to do with this. Should I keep it like this and keep the secret forever? Talking about it with my dad is not going to work. I know why he cheats. He tells the family all the time. "your mum doesn't have sex with me ever, she isn't a woman. You kids will understand when you grow older. You guys wanna know why I drink and gamble its all because of your mum". Everytime I think about what my dad says I feel sad and lonely and I'm unable to be close with my mum due to guilt. So guys what should I do?

[geoff]

hi Nico2, I'm deeply sorry that it's now become another problem, and as your dad spends 80% of his time o/s who knows what he gets up to, perhaps that's why he goes o/s.
I'm amazed that they actually got married again after what he has been doing because the chances of him misbehaving would be highly likely, now you're caught between a rock a hard place.
What happens between your mum and dad in the bedroom is their business, but now you know what he's up to, I would be telling your mum, that's the reason they divorced each other in the first place, and to go o/s is a way he can safely cheat on your mum, yes she should be told at once.
He has broken the marriage vows far too often and with this, the trust that is needed in every marriage, don't have any fear in doing so because he's likely to stay o/s but your mum needs to be told.
Can I suggest that you go and see your doctor, plus I think your mum will also need to do this as well, perhaps you can both go together because it's going to raise previous thoughts that may have been of concern.
Please I hope to hear back from you. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Nico2~

First off, like Geoff I'd like to ask if you are under treatment at the moment for depression and possibly anxiety? You have pressures from the past and now this new set for the last three months and having medical help can only be good.

I'm not sure if your parents re-marrying is that much of a surprise, it does rather depend on why they did so. That reason in turn might affect your decision to disclose your dad's behavior.

You did mention that your mum had a breakdown on news of your dad's behavior and they split up. Why do you think they got back together? Was it promises of good behavior and love, or a more practical thing to support your mum and the kids?

Both your parents are adults, and I'd imaging that in actual fact both would know each other pretty well. I'd be most surprised if your mum does not already have very strong suspicions, after all it has happened before and the conditions are right.

If that's the case it rather changes what you would be doing by relaying the facts to your mum. You might be forcing her to act when she might prefer a quiet life - I don't know, you would have the best judgment about all of this.

I do know firstly it is not straightforward and secondly there are three people involved, not just you, and each bears responsibilities to the others. You did not cause your parents to break up the first time. They behaved as they did and decided to separate.

You might think I'm being harsh on your mum there, maybe, I don't have all the facts.

In any event you have ended up shouldering the guilt - not a fair deal at all. Your father seems to be the one that should bear the greatest responsibility - and should not have tried to blame and put it on to you. A childish weak act.

The really sad thing is it is driving you away from your parents, the miss-placed guilt you feel is too painful for you to be close. I guess if it was me I'd just try to be kind to my mum and leave it at that.

Croix