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Family, suppose to be our secure safe place,so why so hard ?

randomxx
Community Member

l'm 50s come form a huge family , scattered all over Vic and interstate.

6 brothers, we mostly all get along well with no drama and all have our own lives. But it's great to see ea other whenever we do, this one or that one, only happens every yr or two these days with most.

Sisters, 6 of those too, 3 of are not worth contacting they're just too much trouble. The others l see here or there now and then or at a family thing every few yrs, good enough.

 

Thing is though , l'm 3hrs away from most of them but there was also one brother 20mins form me, and also one sister too same area.

They both manage to catch up with most of the family as they're both up and down from Melb and all over the place down there a lot. The sister's single so she has plenty of time to go visiting, or one of them is always inviting someone or other up to their place, and as l say, both their places are only 20mins over from me.

l rarely get down to melb anymore and when l do it's usually work anyway and usually a huge day with nothing left by the time l'm done.

l've also had a lot going on up at home with my d and my own life and mh problems too and so l just don't feel up to it  anyway on that level either.l have to push myself to the end just to get through work l'll have to do.

 

l also don't feel up to calling people much either, l'm in touch with a few family and outside of my own life and world, with a family the size of mine, l just don't have it left for for all of them, and most of them don't even call me anyway.

Still , one or two l am close to do drop over when they're up here, which is always bloody nice. and we'll call a bit too.  bUT ANY OF THE OTHERS THAT Do come up to the brothers place or the sisters, don't even bother calling me or telling me they'll even be up and in the area anyway.

A few times l've actually gone over to one of their places myself to visit whoever it was that came up for a bit and say hello myself, when they haven't even told me they were up here anyway.

l always to try to call at least a few of them at christmas too but no way l can get around to all of them.

 

lt's just ridiculous though at this age , l mean for crying out loud what's to even be complicated butttt, it always is, it's crazy.

 

There is though just one thing, about me and l'd have to assume really, bc no ones said anything. But l am fairly reclusive and l don't have much ph call energy either- or time really. ldk,maybe they all just know and think that, ldk. l do enjoy seeing some though when l do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Replies 10

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomxx~

I can understand that it may not seem ideal for you not to be close to all of your family, however I suspect you are asking too much of yourself and clinging to an ideal that does not hold water.

 

Every member of one's family is different, character, geography, spouses and kids, even occupation. It is only natural that you will feel at home wiht some more than others.

 

Take into account your location, your occupation, your own family life and the various issues you face together with all the help you give on the forum and I'd not be sure there is much time to try to keep up with everyone, particularly as some seem not to want to extend to you.

 

You have your own sphere, and hopefully there are many good things in it.

 

Croix

randomxx
Community Member

Hi there croix and thanks for that.

Your right for sure they all have their lives kids and troubles too and l certainly have mine. Some of them see a lot of some or all but others only a few and not very often. tHE two up here as l said she's single and always lookin for company , he's really sociable to though actually and has no kids or family, does have a pt long distance gf ,about it.

Either of those two can have streams of people staying wks on end and then still be lookin for company after that, can't do it myself.

 

lt's damn terrible having a family this size but a Christmas down there every few yrs use to take care of it these days they all scatter though and l usually don't even feel like driving 3 hrs ea way on Christmas day anyway. We have a beautiful day up at ours.

lt's stupid really l admit, dk wth l always feel so guilty for not seeing most of them much at all, l don't have the time or energy but most of them don't bother much either anyway so wt.

 

Probably if l could just relax on the self guilt and not worry about it things would just take care of themselves anyway.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomxx~

I think your last sentence says it all, you know it logically, all you have to do now is convince your emotions.

 

Perhaps imagining the difficulties and ill-will too close a contact with too many might cause wil help:)

 

I hope you manage to have an excellence time with as few people as you would prefer

 

Croix

randomxx
Community Member

Thank for that croix,you do so much for people round here and l can see it's appreciated.

 

But yeah , of course eh, even life in general goes better when we just relax about it doesn't it.

Funny thing is, whenever l do turn up somewhere, to one of their doo's or a Christmas, they aren't a bad family at all really very easy no dramas, considering the hassles some people have with theirs.

Thanks again anyway and all the best.

 

rx

 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomxx~

 

I'm glad you sound more relaxed about things now. I have a tendency to build things up and see greater problems tan actually exist- in other words the problems are there , but do not affect me as much as I thought.

 

It may be for the limited time over Xmas or other visits your family may try harder to get on.

 

Croix

randomxx
Community Member

Thanks for that croix.

Unfortunately more like well, l know l should relax up about it all hey and with life in general too. Most things in life have always gone better for me when l do.

But doing it though with some things, nother story and it can take me some serious training and persistence, other stuff though l'm pretty good like that.

 

Know what you mean with that tendency, l can a lot myself too especially with this sort of thing.Silly really , pretty sure not too many of them are sweating it,

 

All the best.

 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomxx~

I guess I find that trying to think logically when worried over something does not work. True sometimes I can ask my partner if my worries are reasonable (and am normally told they are over the  top) and that does work -more or less -as I'm used ot accepting her judgement.

 

On the other hand when by myself anxiety seems to feed on the structure of my normal life, it is almost like the walls of the house act as an echo chamber increasing them again and again. So I try to break out and use a two stage process to do it.

 

Firstly to achieve a calm state of mind -worry free for a few minutes -I use Smiling Mind, a free phone app that has a great many exercises for a great many ages and personality types. It gets you to concentrate on the real - like one's breathing or a leaf as examples - and I found an exercise that nags me (gently) just often enough to keep my mind on track.

 

As I have the attention span of a goldfish that reminder needs to be quite frequent. With practice (yes, with practice I'm afraid) this program works surprisingly well

 

Because that calm state produced by the app does not last I use it to get engrossed in something I've prepared beforehand, like a chapter in a favorite book, a conversation with a friend, or whatever pleases and distracts.

 

Without that induced calm state I'd not be in the mood for those distractions.

 

All this does help a lot and puts me in a more resilient frame of mind where matters do not loom so large..

 

Croix

randomxx
Community Member

Thanks very much croix .

And funny , yep , l hear you on all of the above,partner through to smiling minds and house wall echoes .

lt does really pay no doubt about it though to even just smile to ourselves at how silly we're being sometimes, or to just smile full stop or to just allow the positivity back in , it all works wonders l find.

 

Can sure relate to the attention span too. A few wks back l tried leaving the words "stop it" ,on the fridge ,new strategy haha.

It wasn't about family stuff just some other negative rubbish that get get carried away in there. ldea was l see the words and it reminds me to stop think bs.

Every time l start l'm suppose to say stop it.

Works too, if l can remember to do it .

 

rx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomxx~

I think I might have to borrow your 'Stop it" sign for my fridge, but for a quite mundane reason.

During the night I get tempted to have a snack, and as you can see from my avatar I'm not exactly slim:(

 

As for just smiling, I agree and think a smile works its way into the smiler as well as be seen by others. That's why I've my "Store your Happy Memories Here" thread as well as contributing to "Worst Joke Wednesday" - which reminds me ...

 

This Forum has a great many people hurting and a little humor can make a break.

 

Croix