Failing as a mum

[lost_mum84]

Hi Guys

more and more i feel like im failing as a mum, i love my kids dearly and will move heaven and earth for them. 
Everything i do is for them, but things at home have been tough. Money wise with one income (im a stay at home mum) its been tight.

I never get time for me and i am so beyond exhausted.

My middle child is testing my patience beyond belief, to the point I yell at her and i absolutely hate it. Its kills me to think of how my reactions are. Its causing tension in the home, and its everyday. I feel like I cant do anything right.

And somedays I just feel like getting in the car and driving away. ( i would never do it to my children) 

Im just lost atm

[therising]

Hi lost_mum84

From one mum to another, I feel so deeply for you as you face multiple challenges while trying so hard to be the best version of you. It's a tough job, raising kids while you're trying to raise yourself at the same time. Seriously tough.

While believing I was being a champion mum I found out otherwise the other day. From my 20yo daughter's perspective, I've been neglectful of her while favoring her 17yo brother. Btw, he's facing a seriously tough year with a number of challenges and needs a lot of support and guidance and I've been serving her as much as possible with the free time I have amongst a number of challenges. Anyhow...there it was, the trigger, which started that depressing list. Wondering if you can relate. All it takes is for one of our kids to tell us what we're failing at before we start to add to that through some form of heartbreak and self chastisement. Before you know it, not only have you created an extensive list of all the ways you've failed your kids but you've gone outside immediate family. 'Through my brother's eyes, I'm failing at this. In my sister's mind, I've failed at that' and on it goes. It's a brutal list leading to the wrong conclusion, 'I am a failure'.

Was a stay at home mum for a number of years before going back to work. Am back to being one this year for a number of reasons. I tell you, it's so much easier when you can afford to say 'To hell with it all, I'm going off for a spa weekend' or 'I'm going out for lunch and to catch a movie' or 'I'm going off for a deep tissue massage because I deserve being able to release all this tension'. Can end up equating to 'I can't afford to love myself', something to be careful of.

Sometimes I feel the anger equates to (regarding our kids and everyone else in our life) 'For god's sake, recognise how hard I'm working. Serve me in all the ways I desperately need to be served. Raise me in many of the ways I'm raising you. Raise me to experience ease, joy, relief. Raise me through guidance, service, a solid sense of direction. Raise me to see how great I am, just like I raise you to see how great you are at times'.

It pays to occasionally announce 'You're going to have to go without, so that I can serve myself'. Self service is vital when you're exhausted from being on call 24/7.

[lost_mum84]

Hi and thank you for your words. It is hard being a parent and doing the majority of the work solo.

my kids are still young and yet to hit the teenage years.

after number 3 was born and spent alot of time sick in the first 1yr or 2 i just felt terrible and thats was all my fault as my job to keep then safe healthy and loved. Now number 2 has my attitude from when i was a kid is what i keep hearing and oh somedays im at my wits end. She is young and testing boundaries pushing buttons, tantrums and the attitude.

time out for me to breathe, sleep is an odd occurrence. 

all i can do i guess is weather the storm as they say. And remember to take time for myself. And ask for help which I never do, always help others no questions asked but i take it all on myself.

thanks again

[geoff]

Hello lost_mum84, only having one income certainly does put so much pressure on the family, because what your kids friends are able to do may mean they are not able to due to the income, this can make them upset, which then worries you as well as making you cross, and I'm sure this has happened to many of us.

Kids will test your patience and this has been happening for years and your reaction is only normal, but kids don't understand that if you don't have the money then something can't be done, they just believe that 'money grows on trees', so to speak, but need to understand that there are items you would love to have but simply can't and although they may not accept this, one day they will.

Even if you two incomes all of this can still happen.

Look after yourself and realise that you are no different than most people.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The rising and Geoff have addressed your topic so well as usuual. I thought I'd just post a poem for you today. Your motherhood is so important and endurance is not always easy to maintain. You are doing such a great job.

LITTLE FEATHER

Little feather left and right

As it falls slowly in the night

Coming from a nest above

A bed of twigs and a world of love

Down it falls on the ground

A gust of wind to toss it around

Then as the sun rose to dry it out

The lighter it was to get out and about

Then along came a mother bird full of love

To take little feather to her nest above

Where little feather was put in a nest

To warm the heart where baby bird rests…

TonyWK

[lost_mum84]

Thank you for your replies. Life can be hard, with good days and bad. There just more bad then good atm. Hopefully upcoming school holidays will give us much needed quality time and things will begin to get better.

Beautiful poem thanks for sharing it

[therising]

Hi lost_mum84

Girls, hmm. And, yes, my mum was so happy I had a little girl just like I was. I smile when I say it was like my mum's revenge. Btw, my mum is one of my closest friends now.

Challenging daughters can make the best teachers. With many of the tormenting lessons being far from easy, I learned

• 'That's not fair!' = the test for me to explore whether something is actually fair or not
• 'Why should I have to do that?/Give me a reason why I can't' (while sounding disrespectful) = the test to find legitimate reasons, the push to become a more reason able person. Btw, only fair that good reason is also asked for in return
• Tantrums from a child = 'While I can't express the depth of my intolerance or disappointment mother, let me just express it by screaming while proclaiming the deep hatred for you, my oppressor'

'Just do as your told and don't question me' never cut it, as my daughter pushed me and fought with me throughout those early years to stop that way of parenting. She led me to become more conscious, a better listener, more reasonable, more empathetic etc. She's apologised many times for her behaviour when she was younger. My response, with a smile, 'No need, you taught me well'.

Wish someone had warned 'With this job, you're going to hate yourself at times. You're going to blame yourself for things beyond your control, like your child getting sick. You're going to face the kind of exhaustion that leads you to want to run away from home, while proclaiming 'I just can't do this anymore!'. You're going to feel lonely and tested well outside your comfort zone. You'll spend some days in tears, questioning your sanity and your reason for being here on this earth when it all gets too much'.

While our partner goes out to work, in order to make things easier for the family (helping raise each member through financial opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise), if the old style 'I work all day, I shouldn't have to come home to do more work' is the attitude, the role of primary carer becomes lonely, exhausting and sometimes intolerable.

One of the hardest jobs on earth, if not the hardest job, and you're doing it. Some walk away. Some neglect it through neglecting their kids. You're still here because YOU ARE AMAZING. Don't you forget that.

[Juliet_84]

Hi lostmum84,

”i love my kids dearly and will move heaven and earth for them”. that doesn’t sound to me like someone who is failing at being a mum. Your heart is in the right place but you are stressed and overworked, so please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m not sure how old your kids are and whether they are at an age that you can talk to them openly, but I’d be doing that.Tell them how you’re feeling, that you’re tired and could really use some help around the place and how you’re feeling. Apologise for yelling at your middle child, don’t make excuses for the behavior but just apologise and sit with it and ask how she feels during those moments and use it as a chance to reassure her and also make her aware of her own behaviors and how they affect you too. We often treat our children as if they need to be sheltered by everything but how will they learn to ever own their behavior if we don’t model it for them, or that their behavior also has an effect on us and they need to be mindful of it too.
It’s a shame we don’t have more support for single mums, I love kids but am childless and would gladly mind someone’s kids of an afternoon a few days a week to give a single mum a break but alas that is not the society we live in. Do you have anyone who could help you out? I only ask because that is something I would dearly enjoy (so imagine others around you would too) but people never ask. Sometimes people want to be given an opportunity to help.