extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..

[Abbie121]

I've been struggling with loss and grief from a long-term relationship breakdown last year, and now find myself in isolation with deep loneliness and sadness.. made worse by looking back at my life this time last year where it was full of people and things to do. I find I reach out to friends to try and connect but I get nothing back - they are too busy with their families or don't even reply. I want contact with my ex just to try to re-live some of the connection and affection we had, which I know is unhealthy but he has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. I struggle to understand why I can't form lasting relationships or why people have no interest in spending time with me, or even checking in on me to offer a kind word or support. I have no one to talk to or spend time with. I'm dreading tomorrow new year's eve when everyone else will be spending it with people and I want that too, but can't seem to get it. I don't know what to do..

[Abbie121]

Hi there, thank you for your message.. I'm sure we did chat months ago about break-ups.. I felt I was doing a bit better for a while but not anymore. I'm sorry about the situation you're in at the moment, it sounds extremely hard. I'm glad you got out of the abusive relationship though. I hope you continue to persevere at uni and that things start to improve a little for you in the new year.. thanks again and sending thoughts to you.

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Abbie,

Thanks for your support, I return the favour to you.

Your first post still rings in my head about wanting to go back to the X. I feel like I can't even breath without her and at times would give anything to be with her, I wonder is it not worth the abuse, just to not be alone?

We will have to see how our lives have changed 12 months from now.

Is it a pact? Every one that has posted and that reads this, mark the date and lets see how far we have come in 12 months time.

[Abbie121]

Thanks Nothappy.. yes, I felt that I desperately wanted the ex back many times over the year, but each time deep down my gut and brain told me that we parted for good reason and it was not working, and I deserved much better than what I was getting with him. I too used to think that I would give anything to be back with him - the comfortability, occasional moments of joy and contentedness in the relationship, company - even if it did mostly cause me pain and suffering. But I think I have come to realise that it is so much better to be alone than with someone and in pain and feeling lonely. I can see that I am worth more than that, and you are too. My mind often goes back to the good times/good qualities in the relationship, which is frustrating, but I know that the bad had outweighed the good in the end. I like to think that one day we might make our way back to each other but in reality I need to accept that it is over. Acceptance is what is so hard. I wish acceptance and ease and hope to you all.

Yes, let's see how far we come in 12 months and meet back here and share. I truly hope we are all feeling quite differently to now, and that are all on the path we are meant to be on towards peace and happiness.

x

[Jhc]

Hi Nothappy@uni

It will be interesting to compare in one years time. Everyone keeps saying that time does heal. I know from previous breakups that is true particularly when deep down inside you recognise that you were unhappy and the bad times outnumbered the good times. However, in my most recent breakup I was very happy, the happiest two years of my life. Which is why it came as a big shock. I wish there had been bad times so that I could focus on that to help me move forwards. But I feel so confused about why it ended. I hope that this experience does not destroy my ability to ever trust and be happy again, but that's how it currently feels. My thoughts are with you all for happiness in the future.

[Nothappyuni]

Hi everyone,

My X wrote to me at 3:32 this morning to say I was the problem because I expected too much. I had made the mistake of wishing her a happy life in 2020 at 4:40 pm on 31st. It was a long message that basically blamed me for everything because I expected too much and she really had no idea what my problem was. She had been shocked when I fled the house over a month ago. The first 10 years were heaven, then 5 more that had a lot of happiness, then 10 years of decline with 3 of those being hell for me, so bad I frequently considered opting out of life altogether.

Her foundations of normal are based on her parents who sleep in separate rooms and have done for 20 years, and two close friends who have not been intimate with their husbands for 10 years and also sleep in separate rooms from their partner. In all three instances most conversations between the couples are conducted via text or on facebook, there is NO INTIMACY at all. Yet I have been to 5 separate psychologists/social workers who all say that that is not a NORMAL relationship. Some people are beyond help, they drag you down with them, but you don't come up when they do. A year from now.

[Abbie121]

Hi Nothappy@uni

Sorry to hear that happened.. I absolutely know what it's like to want to contact the person you shared so much with on occasions like this.. often it doesn't work out the way we'd like it to though. Remember that wanting and needing consistent and growing intimacy - physical and emotional - in a relationship is never expecting too much. It's a necessity and shouldn't be compromised. The lack of that is what drove me and my ex apart too, and I was always made to feel I was too much, too emotional, too needy. But I had normal needs in a relationship - wanting quality time, affection, intimacy, emotional connection and growth. I feel they are necessities, but I was constantly craving them, and I keep needing to remind myself of this when I feel the pull back to them, or miss the many good qualities they had. So hard. Sending strength to you.

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Abbie121,

I pay up to $180 per visit to see psychologists about this issue. I see several because I doubt myself that much, when one psychologist says my reaction and heightened need are a reasonable response to the imposed isolation my partner put me through, I don't believe them.

My X had brainwashed me into believing I was excessively needy, and that I was too emotional. Speaking to you, and reading the posts of hundreds of others who suffered the same abuse is truly comforting. Now as a final power ploy I have lost both my offspring to elaborate lies about me told by my X. My Doctor and two of the psychologists said that would happen, but I didn't want to believe them. There is so much I don't want to believe, but have to. Thanks Abbie121, strong together!

[Deecee88]

I’m in the same boat. I’ve been alone for the last 7 New Years without a single call or text from anyone. My heart is beyond broken especially watching people’s stories on IG of them having so much fun. I don’t know what I did wrong in life. It’s broken me to the point where I can’t function anymore

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Deecee88,

It takes a little while for some of the experts to write a response here.

I was single for 4 years and I made an effort to go out and find people. It was a huge effort, but I needed to do it. Then I met my last partner who was jealous of all my friends and drove them away or told me to make them go. My partner hated how I cold win anyone over and have conversations with strangers, she would attack me for being friendly- gradually I had no one in the world but her, then she told me I was needy because I needed conversation and contact with her, then I left because I realised it was abuse.

You have nothing stopping you, its your life, write your own story. Get up go out and join a club. Find an interest and make acquaintances with people. I have had to start my entire life over, and the first people I contacted were distant relatives, they were happy to extend a hand, I went to church, they were great, I joined a social gym. I still feel terribly alone, but it all helps. Plus the people see are great- when you can get one. Someone will respond.

Good luck, new year, new life, new beginnings.

[Abbie121]

Hi Deecee88, thanks for replying. I know exactly how you feel. Sending you hugs and comfort and reach out here to us whenever you need. x