Ex-partner is abusing my trauma to keep me out of our child’s life.

[Unholy_Idiot]

So for a little bit of context, I had a mental episode where I’ve disassociated and hurt my at the time partner. Immediately afterwards she had me arrested and a DVO was put in place. Since hen I’ve been doing everything I can to get some sort of diagnosis and to try and make things right between myself, her and the few witnesses that were there, admittedly I pushed too hard but didn’t breach the DVO.
But she seems to be taking advantage of this and is now constantly threatening to report me to the police. It seems to me that she’s wanted to end the relationship for a long time coming but the way she’s going about keeping us seperate is affecting both my ability to see my daughter and my sense of self.

Ive spent damn near every day of the last 5 years of my life with this woman and she’s not only tossed me like a piece of rubbish, but she’s doing everything to try and burn my bridges to the world.
Shes gone on such an offensive track that for a brief period just about every friend of mine turned on me and she’s had HER friends abuse me online.

at this point I just wanna get my stuff outta the house and set up mandatory visitation rights but I’m that afraid of the legal system that any time I look into legal advice I can feel myself disconnect momentarily.

i just want to see my baby girl again.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear of your predicament. I know what it's like to lose your full time fatherhood let alone a big gap between then and when you see your daughter again. I have several comments and ideas.

• The police would only arrest you if a breach of the law occurred.  If that happened the charge would compound matters 10 fold. You know this now. 
• The legal matter for visitations with your daughter should only be effected with how pick up and drop off is executed. You're her father and you are equal in terms of the law to the mother. 
• Mediation is crucial 
• Exercising your legal rights is essential for you to get your visits, even up to 50% custody if that can be managed.
• Your ex wife might well be in anti husband mode and that is more reason to not allow her to walk all over your rights, but she will if you don't get legal assistance 
• Accept that communication is not possible unless her attitude changes. The more you push for it the more trouble you'll be in. Your sole focus now is contact with your daughter.
• In the future demonisation is possible whereby your daughter stops seeing you. It happened to me. Remember, don't fight it, just send a birthday card and a Xmas present until she comes knocking as an adult. I did and she did.

So my strong advice is commission a family lawyer.

Good luck. Reply anytime. When I log on I'll see your post.

BTW your mental health will be tested, have faith that even though your wife would like you to disappear, she'd be wrong to undervalue your fatherhood.

TonyWK 

[Unholy_Idiot]

So I don’t personally believe I have ptsd, I don’t like the idea of self diagnosing. I’m not a professional so I’m not in a position to make that call, but I think I’m smart enough to recognise patterns, traits and behaviours pretty easily so ptsd is the best I can come to.

The main thing that tips me off is my age and upbringing. I’m fairly young and some of my strongest memories stem from childhood and my late teens, most of which tend to be most vivid when it has something to do with major life events or times I’ve felt pure fear or discomfort. 

The reason I mention both is because I’ve been dealing with the police, solicitors and judges quite a lot recently and every time I think about confronting these people I feel myself disassociate, even typing this I feel my brain retreat. And I can’t help but think it stems from something that happened involving my mother and petty theft. I spent my mid to late childhood in a town right out in the middle of the bush and, without trying to make this a race thing, this town was a predominantly aboriginal town (this will be important later), additionally my family is as typical white aussie as you get.

One day I saw an open package of what were essentially metal pogs at our local iga. Seeing as I wanted them and knew our family was tight on money, I decided to grab a few and keep walking. After getting found out my mother basically roundhouse kicks my ass. Not a big deal in my mind right? Well then she takes it three steps further by taking me to the local police station where she worked and told them to put me in their holding cell to think about what I’d done. After that she took me to iga to return them and apologise.

I can only come to the conclusion that she “held our family to a higher standard”  so she gave me a taste of the medicine the locals would get if they were caught. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t think any child should be criminalised for a first offence, let alone stealing something that valueless. So how does it make sense to expect other kids to get put in a holding cell after already being punished by their parents?

It was being arrested recently and being in the holding cell again that made me realise my brains wiring regarding the government is completely fried and it almost seems like it’s against my own will because no one should be this afraid of following simple laws. For some more context I’m currently going through a court battle with an ex.

Im not expecting answers, just wanna share.

[Guest_10253]

Hey fellow Dad, 

It's great you gave honest context up front, as you'll get honest and useful feedback to take into consideration.

Tony's advice is brilliant to which I would add

• Unfortunate reality you are now in an emotionally and financially draining predicament
• Family law solicitor is the best bet. Don't choose the closest one, look for one with multiple public search engine reviews, and check the reviewers profiles to see they are legit
• Lawyers will want to write letters till the cows come home. If i did it again I would let them write one letter to try establish non-binding parenting plan and then next letter is (an expensive) formal mediation 
• Document your situation on a google doc or similar, get a $30pm subscription to chatGPT and feed all info with dates chronologically, copy past all lawyers correspondance into this chat thread, then get ChatGPTs advice to help you navigate communicating with your lawyer.
• This will deep learn the huge amount of information on your case (im 2 years and $60k still with no binding agreement) You can then  feed it any question you like, it will reference all publicly available info on the web relevant to your situation, and even draft letters and replies
• I recommend you sanity check all your correspondence through chat GPT, this will keep it civil, accurate,  relevant and consolatory rather than inflammatory. 
• Post whatever court ordered result you get, chatGPT will be there for years, rather that the wallet draining calls to your lawyer when new predicaments arise
• Reputational damage can be weaponised and it can be devastating. Don't be provoked, look after yourself - if you don't, it costs you a fortune and damages the relationship with kids.

The uncertainty of the process and withholding of your children is not only 'not in the best interest of your children' it keeps you in a state of chronic anxiety, where you are far more likely to have fear/aggression instincts triggered and you are already on thin ice. Wise up, clean out, get help (we're here) and be patient. Parenthood is a long game and as Tony mentions, to the rightful victor will go the spoils. How you conduct yourself is closely watched by kids and you have a responsibility to fatherhood. 

[Unholy_Idiot]

So I just want to say thank you both for your extensive advice, you’ve provided a lot of valuable insight. I think one of my biggest concerns is the cost of it all. Because I know for a fact that neither of us can afford legal help in this matter, regardless of circumstance.

I don’t even want solicitors or lawyers getting involved because I truly believe I can keep our “relationship” civil. I can keep conversations calm and navigate around her emotions. But I’m also keenly aware that I have certain triggers, most of which are external and nowhere near where she and I used to live. But I moved back in with my grandparents momentarily while I found my own place in the same town as her and my daughter which I now have and am in the process of preparing to move into. But could the be misconstrued as “stalking”? Surely not right? 
I can justify moving back there without having either of them as part of it but there’s obviously that part of me that wants to have an easier time going to visit if/when I can. But would the court see it that way? This is my first ever criminal offence but it’s such a harsh one that I feel like any little thing I do is being surveyed and scrutinised. As if there’s going to always be someone, some cop, keeping tabs. I know I’m not that important but I don’t want my actions getting twisted against me when I know for a fact I’m not doing anything to break the law or breach my DVO.

But hey, I guess I can only wait till my next court date to see what happens. I’m gonna try and adjourn it while I make the move and get myself into a proper rhythm for my mental health plan.

[Guest_10253]

Hi again, 

So my intention upon separation was entirely aligned with yours. I had the same 'civil', low cost, 'go our seperate way' idealism.

I mean the following in no disrespect to women, it comes from a place of encouraging understanding, avoiding unnecessary future conflict and relationship trauma (kids)

I'll try make at as least complex as possible. Survival instincts are powerful, they overwhelm our reason in periods of heightened emotion. For men this manifests as agression, for women this manifests as power/control. In separation, the maternal security instinct of the woman is fractured, 'under attack' and in my experience there were complex disingenuous behaviours to gain more control. 

For me one manifestion was 'washing machine arguments'. On the path to separation, I would confront my ex with, as much as I could 'a distilled down rational explanation of an issue'. This wasn't easy because it took my intense reflection and honesty considering both sides of the argument. When I confronted her, and 'my point' became self evident (not a matter of right or wrong) She would then say 'but you did xyz on such-and-such date'. I would bristle, 'But that's not what we're talking about?!?'.. that triggered escalation of argument from me, we would go round and round like a washing machine to the point of exhaustion. Over time I came to know this as DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This involves denying the harm caused, attacking the accuser's credibility, and then portraying themselves as the victim.

Both are instinctually triggered, ultimately neither persons 'fault' just a messy situation that Im glad im now away from. The more I looked into its complexity, I saw it as 'Animus Possession', I recommend you see YouTube to accquaint yourself with such triggered instincts. You can also understand as guys how we are flawed too, more instinctually more prone to aggression

'I don’t want my actions getting twisted against me '

You should really watch out for this. Understand it is not your true ex, but an instinctually triggered version, just as you are not 'normally agressive'. Its disingenuous behaviour to gain strategic control, and it games or abuses the judicial system, wittingly or not supporting it.. A lot of Dads have found this out the expensive way. This adds to your chronic anxiety, cortisol levels, leaving your more prone to outbursts of agression. At its core its a very tough situation, but understanding and compassion will not only reduce your costs, it saves your child from exposure to internalising conflict of 'bad half' within them, as this perpetuates the cycle of damage to their kids etc.

I feel like any little thing I do is being surveyed and scrutinised

What matters more than court and how anyone else sees you, is what your child will absorb as they are delicate, intensely impressionable and its critical your use your upmost effort to retain rational control, dignity, patience and civility. 

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Victor Frankl (auschwitz)

[Unholy_Idiot]

Alright so a bit of an update, I've been looking into solicitors and legal aid and think I've got a good idea if where I need to go and who I need to contact.

However I didn't realise how close my next court date was until a few days ago, after I'd already made other big life decisions that require as much planning and preparation (ie moving into my own place). So now I'm worried about the court date because I STILL don't have a solicitor, haven't had any legal aid in setting up mediation between my ex and I, nor to organise the collection of the rest of MY possessions and divide the rest.

But I'm planning on asking for the case to be adjourned so I can make the move and get the legal aid involved. It's just a lot of stress to my mind. I've lost sleep just because I'm aware of the court date being so close, let alone trying to navigate the legal systems.

[white knight]

You can represent yourself but its a worry as you could do yourself disservice. You can contact the law court and seek a delay.

TonyWK 

[Unholy_Idiot]

Okay so I’ve had my court date come and pass. Thankfully the judge adjourned it (I think) so I can have more time to get my mental health organised.

Organised as in getting all the paperwork from the appropriate people, there was a lady who actually took me aside to do a mental evaluation and even in her overview I’m mentally “well”.

Obviously there was still recommendations to get help from a gp, psychiatrist etc, but I was already planning on getting in contact with those people/services. It just brings me comfort having someone in the court/legal system recognise that I’m not mentally ill (by nsw law standards) but I AM going through some big shit and that I want help. That I am trying to get better so I can see my daughter again.

So yeah next step is to make my big move and keep doing the basics of adulting. Gotta try and get diagnosed for Generalised Anxiety Disorder along with adhd/autism. The latter is gonna be a longer journey but now that I’ve got a court “diagnosis” i should have an easier time getting the GAD diagnosis.

[white knight]

You are progressing. Sometimes in life you can't speed up the machine you're dealing with.

TonyWK