Everything is perfect but I feel like something is always going to go wrong

[Katrina_22]

For the past 6 months i've been experiencing what I think is anxiety and depression. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year however we were great friends for about 5 years before that. He is so caring and loving, I could never ask for anything more off him, we still act like great friends as well as partners and I've always looked at him as a support system but in the last couple of months i've noticed myself questioning his actions and i ask myself questions like "He's acting different, he hasnt said he loves me today", "He hasnt replied to you because he doesnt want to talk to you", "I wish he would just hurry up and say he's going to leave me so it can be over with". All of these questions go through my head whilst he's sitting next to me looking quite content watching his TV shows. My own thoughts hurt me so much that I start thinking that I should break up with him first to beat him to it. My previous relationship before him was very unhealthy and toxic, my ex used to be so mentally abusive and I never really healed myself from that. That is the only thing I can think is making my own thoughts try to protect me to a future threat that hasnt happened yet. Because I am so worried about the future happening with my current partner, I say to him "why dont you love me?" or "why dont you want to kiss and cuddle me like you used to" and I say these so often that I think he may get fed up with it and leave but I cant help myself but say whats on my chest.

please help, I love this guy with my whole heart and I never want to lose or hurt him.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Katrina 22,

Thanks for your post.

Ohh this post hits home and it's very familiar as I've struggled with this too. Brene Brown (love her) calls this 'foreboding joy' which aka means 'it feels too good, we are afraid something will go wrong so we don't enjoy it'.

It makes total sense that you would be asking these questions after your ex was abusive. You want to protect yourself! We all do! and in a sense maybe it feels like if they don't love us back/do want to leave then it saves us the hassle of 'getting too close' and getting too hurt.

The trick is though that there's probably nothing that can be said to comfort you by your boyfriend. I know in my own experience he would say 'but I do love you' or 'I have no plans to leave' and all I would be thinking is that he was lying or just telling me that to make me feel better, or that he wouldn't soon enough because I was too hard to cope with.

and the toughest toughest thing I've learned is that we will never know if our relationships are going to last, no matter how perfect they feel, and no matter how long we've known them or how close we are, it will always always hurt if the relationship ends.

So - with all that said (how depressing); let's work on what you can do -

For me personally this looked like trying to be really 'here'. Right now, this feels good. Right now, I like you. Right now, I like the way you're taking care of me. Right now, this doesn't feel toxic. Right now, I feel safe and in control. Would this be something you can try?

When those thoughts do pop up about feeling rejected or unloved, see if you can tackle them a little bit. What other reasons might he not have kissed you as much today? What other reasons might he not have replied? What is he really doing that's showing me he's going to leave? Chances are that when you can look behind that automatic belief, there's probably a lot more reasons that you're just not seeing. and flip it - "What has he done lately that's shown me that he's still into me?" "How do I feel when I do get cuddles and kisses?" "What is it like to be loved by him?" Over time it's a little bit more of a crash course into being a bit more realistic and positive about how things are right now.

I hope that this helps a little or gives you some comfort! It's a long post but I do know what that's like and how painful it can be. I just hope that this clicked with you 🙂

[Katrina_22]

Thank you so much, it's nice to know that i'm not alone with these scary thoughts.

It seems to be as soon as I say it out loud (or typing it) I instantly feel relieved. And you are right no matter how many times he reassures me (which he does all the time), I just need to trust that if he didnt want to be with me than he wouldnt.

Thank you for your kind words and I am going to start being in the moment and not letting my head get ahead of its self.

[Harley11]

In a selfish way I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. It's so hard, depressing and tiring fighting in your own head all the time. And it's frustrating when you know your partner is more than ever imagined, but your mind still plays games 😟😟 I wish for the day that my mind stops making my heart ache for no reason. My partner loves me and never given me any reason to think otherwise. But unfortunately that doesn't stop the thoughts and feelings

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Katrina 22 and Harley11!

Katrina 22 - I am so glad that my post helped a little! It's great that typing things out even helped too; often that feeling of letting things out can be so helpful - whether that's here or with a friend, therapist or even journalling! Personally I'm a huge fan of journalling but I encourage you to use whatever works for you - always better out than in 🙂

I'm interested to know how you got on with trying to trust in him and be in the moment; I know it's easier said than done but if you want to talk again you definitely can!

Harley11 - Oh no, not selfish at all! You're never alone in what you're feeling and going through!

Yeah I see where you're coming from, it is a bit of a constant battle sometimes! One metaphor that I learned that might help you too is that these beliefs of having him leave or not being worthy are like highways in our brain - say if one belief is that they'll leave us every time we think about it we drive on through it. It's become so natural to us so the highway is super smooth and paved. But the moment we take a different road (a different belief) it's so much harder. The road is kinda rocky and it's not quite as easy as the highway. But over time - and with practice - that highway won't be taken care of and this new road will because you'll be able to keep reinforcing it and driving on it.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense! But the short version is (tldr) - keep practicing and it will get easier.

Hope this helps 🙂