Estranged from my daughter.

[lucy2]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum.  I thought writing on this forum to strangers might help me.  I feel I have been coping fairly well with life....until now.  I have had a lot happen to me (as have others).  But I guess living without seeing my 4 year old grandson for nearly a year now, has finally broken me.  I am on antedepressants but am now silently breaking up inside.  Not a day goes by without me thinking about my daughter and grandson.  My husband can't cope with me now as I told him where to go at my son's house for dinner and daughter-in-law their to.  I don't even know what I said ?????.  In the last few weeks I texted my daughter and phoned her but no reply.  Apparently my daughter-in-law has tried but daughter says she doesn't want anything to do with me.  Daughter has alienated my husband, my brother and my mother (who is 92 yo).  My daughter has her reasons for her behaviour, as she is 32 this year and has been with her husband says age 14.  Her father died 4 years ago two days after her son was born (he was a very sick man).  My daughter-in-law told me at dinner that her sister-in-law did not talk for a year due to standing up to daughter-in-laws husband.  My husband and myself were never invited to her wedding.  The only people attending the wedding was his parents and his brother and wife.  I have never forgivin her for that, as she had the wedding in another state which meant her own father couldn't afford to get there and was too unwell.  Things had been ok with me and her but I always never trusted.  My husband and I have helped countless times with babysitting duties at a drop of a hat and having my daughter phone me so many times being so unhappy with her husband.  One day he accused her of being with some-one else and I just couldn't take it any more I let him have it.  Off course now I am the wrong one, she is still with him, and is pregnant with another child.  My son finds her hard to deal with and so does the daughter-in-law.  I know I can't do anymore, but I need to stop eating so much and stop thinking about my little grandson.  My neighbour visited with his 5 year old grandson the other day and I decided to leave and go shopping????  Even out shopping I think of all the times I had him and loved him and now there is nothing.   There is lots more I could write but what for, I guess, I know its hopeless. My trust has gone and forever will but how do you get on with your life.

[white knight]

hi Lucy2, welcome to this forum and writing your story.

I can share your grief. My youngest daughter (now 21) yet again walked out of my life for the umpteenth time last night. After many times coming and going then a break for 2 years she asked to be facebook friends 4 weeks ago. All was going ok then whammo- she defriended me. This yo-yo relationship has gone on too far...and worse still communication is zero. I never get to hear the reasons, never get to talk it over, never get to be like adults.

And there's the common ground with you. Adults should rightly chat about things face to face if possible. But snickering blooms especially now a days on social media. So what can be done?

I know of one lady in her 60's that had so much trauma in her own family she withdrew (not completely as that would be unwise for her as it would cause her more sadness) then after a time she became a foster mum. Eventually she cared for a boy and has done for 7 years now. She created her own faithful loving family.

Nothing can erase the pain of the son/daughter/grandchild lost in the cocktail of hurt, misery, revenge or arguements from other family members. We have little choice but to improvise. IMPROVISE is the word. The alternative is to wallow in grief and allow the hurt to go on and on, sometime all our lives. It's not a good idea to let that happen.

You will need, like me, to allow time to elapse. To get to first base. For me this means a half withdrawal from people-but thats me.  Then we must be brave and make decisions.  Where I think is the ideal situation is to not close the door completely at the same time moving on. My daughter doesnt need to know the details of my thoughts and how far I will now make her distant in my thoughts...as much as possible. I dont need to tell her anything, threaten her, tell her the ramifications of her actions of hurt- she's old enough to know..

All I need to do is find my own happiness because we are only here in this life once. I refuse to allow her or anyone else to spoil this great life of mine.

I've told my daughter in the past- "you have choices in life but remember so does everyone else".

Thankfully I have one daughter (25yo) that is close to me and supportive. When she heard my youngest had contacted m on FB she said "she wouldnt have changed". She was right sadly. But I had to give her a chance.

Everyone has chances Lucy2. We have to make sure, for our own sanity and protection that we dont give them too many...

I will now move on..:(

[lucy2]

Thank you White Knight.  You have made so much since.  I'm sorry for your sorrow with your daughter.  Like you, at least I have a son in my case who cares, but, he is also very busy with work.  It has helped me today by reaching out and saying something.  I keep myself busy but haven't walked in a while because I sometimes just can't be bothered getting fit and losing the weight I have gained.  I am in an embroidery group and that helps me a lot.  I don't hate my daughter but she has changed so much that I don't recognise the little girl that I raised, that is the sad part.  And of course I don't think I would trust her again.  We have been told by many people when we are caravaning that they can't wait to get away from all the problems.  And a lot of people just feel like they are the babysitters.  Thank you so much for contributing with your thoughts. 

[AGrace]

Hi Lucy,

Thanks for sharing your story. Sadly, it's quite common when children grow up and create their own families that they lose that connection with their parents and siblings. Often children turn to their parents just for assistance on parenting but that can be the extent of the relationship.

You mentioned a few times in your posts the lack of trust in your daughter. Do you mind me asking where this stems from?

You also indicated that to suppress the pain you turn to eating. Is this getting out of control? Is it worth speaking with your GP about? You feel as though you have lost your daughter, so in some ways you are experiencing grief over this loss. It might help to talk with someone about your feelings, and you've taken one step by coming here.

I guess the only thing we can do is to continue to love our children unconditionally. Even if they have become something we weren't expecting. We also have to see to ourselves. Its great that you've joined a group and that you're finding ways to engage in your hobbies. These are some really positive steps.

I hope we'll hear back from you.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Lucy, thanks for posting this sad story of yours.

Can I say that when my wife and I got divorced our youngest son became very distraught, lost a lot of weight and continually ran up and down mountains, he was depressed, wouldn't talk to either of us, so the effort to regain his trust and communication with us again was an enormous job.

It didn't happen overnight, it was a gradual process, but it took too long, because I was still in depression myself, and I couldn't have coped if he never came back to well me, so I understand what you are having to go through.

Sometimes our kids get a 'bee in their bonnet' and always think that they are always right, and for them to learn otherwise takes a situation that has gone wrong for them, to be able to wake up, if this can happen.

There has been so much that she left you both out of, and every time this happens it just strikes another blow for you.

This doesn't only happen like what you are experiencing, it also occurs when siblings don't communicate between each other, this is sad for the parents, but for the kids not to talk to their parents is far more upsetting.

I know where you coming from and absolutely feel sorry for you. L Geoff. x

[lucy2]

Hi Geoff

Thank you so much, please don't feel sorry for me.  It has helped me so much to reach out and talk to strangers.  I think that there is an unacceptance of what I have done since I left her father.  My sister-in-law held me at the funeral and said "he, couldn't live without you".  Whatever my daughter and son-in-law think of what happened 15 years ago when I left her father is a long time ago and I have moved on and so should they, but there not going to.  My son-in-law lost his father in December, I lost my father at 98 years old April last year, my son-in-law said at the time "oh well, at least he had a long life".  My father died of dementia over years in a nursing home,.  His father died at the age of 56 from lung cancer.  I didn't need his useless coment at the time, but I got over it.  I now have to move on, the door is open a little bit but the trust for her has gone. 

[lucy2]

Hi AGrace.

Thanks for your post.  My trust of my daughter has always been bad since she left home and moved in with her father.  At the age of 15 her father let the boyfriend stay at his house.  She also told a lie that the boyfriend had a heart condition to make her Dad feel sorry for him.  My husband was the one that was very sick and had a heart problem.  I have seen a girl that wanted to leave her husband that many times and phone and whinge and get us to come and pick up the grandson whenever there was trouble, we couldn't have done more for her and never let her down.  He on the otherside of the coin would sit and complain about her in front of my husband and me.  She works two jobs.  He works driving a truck, he has a certificate to proove he is a cabinet maker.  As my son says he is lazy and won';t do hard work, better for him to sit and do nothing but drive.  I can't begin to tell you what it use to be like sitting at their home or coming to our house and knowing they had had yet another blue.  Why would I trust her???  My second husband is on a disability and I sent an old sms to my daughter (by mistake), son-in-law rang while my husband was in hospital and abused him verbally, then my husband asked to speak to my daughter (who he use to love like his own daughter) and she went beserk at him.  You know what it came down to money, they want money and they expect gifts all the time.  We are on a pension we just make it through as we own our home.  Another reason is my mother, her grandmother, daughter made a date to see her last year and at the last minute rang and said her son was sick and she would see her another day.  Never happened.  She knew what she was doing as my mother thought she was very down and had been crying. 

It helps me to reach out, I'm not perfect but I believe he is narcistic and she thinks its right to cut off her family.  My son and daughter-in-law are on a fine line with her and if they say anything they know she will cut them off to.  They don't want that.

[R_Lewis]

Hi Lucy2,

I have just started going to an Al-anon group where u meet people who are hurting by anothers behaviour, usually their drinking behaviour but also very helpful to see how we become so affected by it and forget about looking after ourselves. Just google Al-anon and find a meeting near you if you are interested.