Emotionally unavailable

[Vivian2302-]

I have been with my partner for 8 years. When we first started dating he was kind, romantic, expressed his feelings quite well, and openly. About a year into our relationship he cheated. We worked through it. Over the years however, he’s become very emotionally unavailable. Whenever I bring this up, he gets defensive and will say things like this is how I am if you don’t like it go find someone else. 
I often feel like I can’t communicate my feelings or insecurities as it just turns into a fight and he gives me the silent treatment.
I don’t feel like I’m asking a lot, I just want to feel secure and have reassurance from him. I’m feeling very emotionally exhausted and any advice would help.  

[geoff]

Hello Vivian, when a spouse/partner decides to cheat on you, their reasons can never be justified as they are avoiding having a discussion about any problems that may be occurring and take an easy alternative, but eventually it will cause many problems, which unfortunately has been happening for you.

What he is doing is blocking you off from all communication, in fear of being asked about this affair, which is certainly not fair on you, because this has left you feeling devastated and definitely annoyed.

We often suggest couple counselling, however, sometimes this might not achieve the truth you're looking for and could make you more upset, so by talking with your doctor by yourself could give you ways on how you want to deal with this.

Ask them about the 'mental health plan' this entitles you to 20 Medicare paid sessions to talk with a psychologist.

At the moment can I suggest you ask him to leave your house, a separation would be easier to cope with, rather than having the silent treatment.

I wholeheartedly feel the sorrow you are suffering from, and if you like please come back to us.

My best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Dear Vivian, welcome to the forums. 

There are so many abusive behaviours occurring. 
This is why you feel so terrible, because ANY ONE would. 

We don't know what we don't know until we know it, so there's no victim blaming here, nor any of my words are intending to blame you, hell no! 

This stuff is ALL on him. 
You mentioned him cheating 7 years ago. 
This was a major red flag. Do you wish you had jumped ship then? 

Once we understand the 8 or more forms of abuse, cheating is within the sexual abuse sector. Also the manipulation techniques of cheaters. You can Google search these, sit down because you'll also see gaslighting, rug sweeping etc, that you've already described. 

More often than not, I've witnessed, once a partner ignores red flags, the behaviours of the abuser(s) escalates. They got away with it, they're unstable within themselves and anyone in relationships with them cops the fall out. 

You are not asking for anything more than a healthy relationship would provide without asking! 
But this is an extremely UNhealthy relationship. He is incapable of true intimacy with anyone. He can feign it for a while, then the facade falls away. 

The abusive behaviours are all on him, but the responsibility for YOUR life is 100% up to you. 

I have cut loose from these toxic relationships and never for a nano second looked back or wished I was still there. Have a read of Chump Lady and you'll see all the things he's doing pasted all over the place there. 
This person is NOT unique, he's text book. 

You're worth far more than any of this garbage. 

Wishing you all the best 
Love EM

[Vivian2302-]

Thankyou for taking the time to reply to my post. 
This morning I asked if he was still going to ignore me, he went on to say that he is sad, in general and the relationship. Eventually he said he feels nothing towards me and doesn’t want to be with me. I’m feeling very heartbroken and upset, just lost really, and confused. 

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Vivian2302,

It's extremely difficult to be almost constantly on the receiving end of cold treatment when you have been trying to help your partner and work on your relationship. And now, he says that he doesn't want to be with you. No wonder you feel very heartbroken, upset, lost and confused. This must be hurting a lot. 
The important thing for you to remember is that you have done nothing wrong. 8 years together means a lot of relationship work. Whoever is in any relationship will say that this is like a never-ending work. Because we have these two unique individuals and different things happen when we will disagree and working on a compromise or any other things can be very challenging. But there have to be two people involved. It's a teamwork. If for years it has been mainly or only you, this is then unfair on you, after everything what you have invested in this relationship going. You have been an amazing partner to him, you tried, and tried. And it still didn't work out. It didn't work out for two reasons: 1) there have to be two people working on a relationship and your partner was not investing 2) he has some personal issues that he is obviously not coping with and what's worse tried to put the blame on you. You have tried to help him to overcome his issues but if he was not interested, then he won't change. Again - this is not you, you have done nothing wrong. 
Take care there as I realise this must be a very difficult time for you right now. 

[ecomama]

Dear Vivian,

I'm sorry you're going through the feelings of heart break, upset, feeling lost and confused. 
Of course you could be feeling this way. It's a difficult time! 

You may need some time to process this ending of the relationship, we'll be here during this phase and well beyond it to support you if you choose. 

1800RESPECT Helpline have great Counsellors and Psychologists to talk to any time of the day or night. They are patient and caring, help put exBF behaviours into better perspective and give you some things to help you through. 

Please know your own worth! 

After a while, being without this person in your life and the abuse that comes for anyone being in a relationship with this person, you will recover. 
You will feel free. 

You do have the opportunity to learn to love yourself, develop practices of self-care and self-compassion, build yourself up. 
Now you can have a far more beautiful, creative life! 

Best wishes
Love EM

[Guest_1584]

l'm so sorry op.

But tbh , that was my first impression but l didn't really want to say it tbh l know how hurtful it all is for you.

But yeah, unfortunately, apart from everything else and the pasts, he has just lost interest in the relationship and is out of love.

Tbh , l'd have to wonder if he was ever actually truly in love bc 12mths in he goes off with someone else.

l'm sorry to have to say these things.

rx

[Fiatlux]

Hi Vivian2302

Firstly, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.

The others have given you great advice but unfortunately your relationship appears to over.

I have been in a marriage with an abusive, narcissistic serial cheater for 35+ years. And yes I should have left him the very 1st year or sooner. 

Don't be me! The first time my husband told me to f****** leaving if I didn't like it, I should have packed, But had nowhere to go.

I have nothing but contempt for him now. You deserve better.

[Vivian2302-]

Starting over is scary and terrifying to think about. Especially when we have a child together, and pets. 
And when I’m the one that will have to totally up root my life and move out. As the house is in his name. 
Totally overwhelmed right now and wishing we done more to prioritise our relationship and time together and maybe this wouldn’t of happened? I feel like we both didn’t put the effort and time in the relationship.

[Fiatlux]

Vivian, please get legal advice before you move out. Just because the house is in his name, means almost nothing in terms of a separation. You shouldn't have to uproot your child and life. Good Luck