Emotionally abusive and unavailable parents, what should I do?

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there,

just to clarify before I get into any deeper details my life has not been overly horrible. I am appreciative with the fact that I have a roof over my head, I have food in my belly and I have the privilege of attending secondary school and going into to complete my last year of VCE. Ok, thank you for hearing in about my disclaimer. Let’s talk about mental health now!

Both of my parents have always been emotionally abusive and unavailable. My mother is emotionally immature and unavailable. When I was a little girl I was never taught how to love myself and be confident with who I truly am. I was always taught to dislike ones looks and personality, considering that is what my mother brought forward when I spoke to her about self confidence. She never spoke to me about typical mother and daughter. I did not even properly know about puberty when I entered my early teens. Due to these circumstances I have always been the ‘lone wolf’ and ‘weird girl’ throughout school because I was never taught how to wear makeup, how to dress to fit in or how to behave in a particular way in order to grab the attention from others. There was a brief time in my junior years of primary school where I was getting bullied and I consulted my mother about the situation and she said “just make friends.” just to clarify also my mother had postnatal depression when I was born. So I have never known what proper affection is which actually means I have been exposed to some unhealthy relationships and friendships where people have taken advantage of me in many brutal and unfair ways. Due to the fact my mother taught me to not to love myself I have battled with hating my body, my looks etc in my earlier teen years. My mother would compare my body to other girls. Coming to my last few years of my teenage moments I have learnt how to love myself and I have grown an individual identity which allows me to be quirky and quintessential. I basically parented myself for the most part.

on the other hand though my father can be quite emotionally abusive too. From the age of four and onwards because my mother has been emotionally unavailable I have been the “therapist” to assist with how to budget, how to deal with trauma etc. he has always come to me for advice, even at such a young age. This has put an enormous strain on my mental health considering my parents have just recently separated and now he needs me to be here more than ever. What should I do?

[PsychedelicFur]

🎶I am the Eggman, I am Eggman! I am the WALRUS!🎶

[Croix]

Now that was a toughtie:)

Actually it's the only one I know of that their lyrics has both walrus and policemen
-C

[Guest_9043]

Hi there,

I come from a different angle with your father. I was a parentified child and a spouse. It was my mother though. I can see your father has given you a role of a 'wife' from what you have written. It sounds to me as if he may perhaps be co-dependant. This attachment style is very unhealthy. On top of that you did say he could be emotionally abusive.

I do not know your father, I'm just thinking that perhaps by supporting you in the way he does, that just maybe he does not understand that you are his daughter, not his wife whom he needs to stand by and support not play certain parts. Your father should not 'need' you to get through this separation with your mum. You are not a replacement for the needs that were not being met by your mother. Your father is responsible for himself. I'm sorry if this is a brutal delivery and no harm is intended. I just wish that I knew what was happening to myself before I hit 40. I would have put a stop to it sooner if I had known. I'm not sure if you are able to find someone safe, trustworthy and knowledgeable to talk to about what you have spoken about here. It is worth reaching out and talking if you ever want to. Take care of you first.

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you very much. My father is a very trustworthy and honest person. He does help me through what I am going through. And he has been the most supportive person I have ever had throughout my life.

he is getting better as I have told him it is affecting me. He is doing well and I’m supporting him. Likewise he is supporting me too. We are surviving and we have each other. As long as we can support each other we will get through the separation. As you can tell I’m quite wise beyond my years and I am a level headed person. He has taught me a lot of wisdom. He speaks to me about my problems and I’m eternally grateful for that. Another thing is my mother was more emotionally unavailable and abusive than my father was. My dad just has a tendency of talking about his problems with me, just to clarify. Apologises if I did not make it clear. If it were not for my dad also I would not be doing half of my recreational activities and be interested in what I love the most.
I’m very appreciative for my father. If it weren’t for him I would not be the young woman I am today. We have our bad days where we get on each other’s goats but despite that we are still family.

thanks Dad. I love you Dad.

psychedelicfur

[Guest_9043]

Apologies for assuming PF. Thank you for clarifying all that you have and I am glad you are safe and well.