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Emotional blackmail- surviving it

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

For me and many others that are subjected to emotional blackmail, it can have lasting lifetime effects. What is emotional blackmail?

In my experience emotional blackmail develops in a person that, for whatever reason, believes their conventional methods of accomplishing control, no longer work. They think of other techniques in a desperate attempt to maintain their status rather that using other tools like love and persuasion. EM can also develop when a parents children turn to adults, an era when a parent often loses the control they once had over their child. The parents lack of control is unacceptable to them and unless they do accept their child as having the ability to make adult decisions, it becomes a downward spiral that wont recover. The parents demands become louder and their techniques more desperate.

Sometimes the child/adult child is unaware of such unacceptable conduct like emotional blackmail being used. I was 27yo before it hit me between the eyes. I was educated at a GROW meeting and a chapter was dedicated to the topic in one of their booklets. From then on I had a fight on my hands with my mother as the EB continued. I had a girlfriend at the time that my mother didnt like "if you dont split up from her I'm going to pack my bags and go visit my cousin for 2 weeks"... my answer "I'll help you pack". Sounds nasty but you need to equalise the injustice/car for yourself.

The people that use EB are desperate souls so it isnt limited to that technique to get you to do what they want you to do. Triangulation is another hurtful form of manipulation. Have a fall out with the parent, parent rings your sibling to get them on side, you then have a serious fall out with your sibling. It's all about power and power over an individual isnt freedom. It isnt developing strong relationships.

Sadly you have few options. In fact my sister and I stopped all contact with our mother 11 years ago. She is now 90yo and no children in her life nor 3 grandchildren as they were treated similar (not from our influence or that would make us as guilty).

I'm convinced there is mental illness at play however strong denial means nothing can be done to save the situation. Refusal to get treatment by a perpetrator means they also often deny themselves of family and friends and, sadly, thats a choice they make for their own lives.

Those with EB can be tyrants. The victims can be scarred for life. Make the best out of a bad situation and seek peace.

TonyWK

32 Replies 32

 For a person to succumb to blackmail, he must, firstly, somehow depend on the emotional blackmailer, secondly, cherish the relationship with him, and, thirdly, have weaknesses that the blackmailer will "beat."

DavidW
Community Member

The essence of any blackmail boils down to the following: if you don't behave the way I want, you will regret it!

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi David, I'm sorry I've missed your recent post.

 

You are spot on with your comment. Eg "If you dont do this I'll tell your father when he gets home". Something I've been familiar with. That leads to fear of one's father even if, as in my case, he was the very best dad. 

 

I'm 66yo so my mother is 91yo and dad if alive would be 95yo. So my parents learnt from their parents, that means their learning was from the early 1900's. Teachings and evolvement of society occurs every 10 years or Gen Y, Gen X and so on. I'm saying that I was raised with very old fashioned methods and emotional blackmail was much more popular then.

 

The other thing is that people often have children but dont research best practices to raise a child. They must believe it all comes natural which isnt right.

 

TonyWK