Emotional abuse - 3 years into a relationship and things have changed

[Weltschmerz]

I’m really sad and embarrassed and not sure if I have the strength to take action.

Some context - I was recently diagnosed with PTSD due to repeated workplace bullying and I stopped working 12 months ago. I have also had trauma with repeated emotional and financial abuse in my previous long term relationships, with my last husband committing suicide (10 years ago) and leaving me with huge debts.

I’ve got support (GP, Clinical Psychologist) and I’m actively working to reduce my anxiety and depression. I am now into a 3 year relationship that I thought was going to be my last and best. He was originally super supportive and loving. Over the last month I’m seeing red flags where he has been telling me how to behave and to tone myself down (both volume and enthusiasm). I’m becoming insecure and sad and feeling that I’m defective. Im finding that we can’t have an effective discussion and he never apologies for anything. When I discuss the situations he makes it clear that he thinks I have issues and he doesn’t. He normally makes smart comments and sometimes refuses simple requests for support or assistance. He teases me incessantly and his jokes and general conversation have an hard edge to them. Our intimacy has also been impacted. 

This is impacting my anxiety and sadness. I’m feeling insecure and sad, and wondering if it’s time to end the relationship. Super bad timing as we have a 6 week holiday in Europe starting in a few weeks. All booked and paid for!!!

Just so sad 😰

[Croix]

Dear Weltschmerz~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Support Forum. In many cases one is too close to a problem to see it clearly and here the Forum helps as you can see how others have coped in similar situations. (You do have to look around, only a few will come to you)

Sad, yes of course, embarrassed, to be expected due to human nature but completely misplaced. I'm glad you came. It can be a frightening time.

Losing your first husband to suicide is something worse than losing one to natural causes and leaves one with a permanent injury to hte mind. True it may lessen in time but can always be there for a lot of peple. The financial hassles add to it. I hope after 10 years they are under control.

To be bulled at work is something that leaves one feeling powerless, makes life exceedingly miserable and often leaves one regarding oneself as a lesser sort of person, firstly by having things when bullied you react to, and secondly not finding a way to stop it (it can be a bit hopeful to think you can)

Sometimes leaving that job can be the only way to stop it and give you peace (and that takes time).

Frankly I'm worried about your new "partner".  There are many people who start out loving, super nice, kind, considerate, appreciative, mindful of your needs, things you do yourself naturally in return.  If only that would last.

After a could of years you are finding out more about this true nature. He is no longer that loving person who puts your needs first, quite the opposite it sounds as if he is becoming controlling, telling you  how to behave, discussions simply give him an opportunity to try to convince you it is all down to you, your fault, no apologies ever, saying it is you that has issues.

Refusing requests for support from one's partner would in any loving relationship never happen, love means you want the best for you partner. It goes to reinforce your own feelings you are less important when they are withheld.

Making you the butt of his jokes is another way as is withholding intimacy or placing you  in a mind-frame where you do not want it.

Please excuse me for being blunt, however I think you have the opportunity for a lucky escape. Being in close contact while in Europe will give him even more opportunities to worsen his ways, after all who else is there to be with, basically you are sort of trapped once it starts.

Of course al this has a huge impact on your anxiety, insecurity and sadness, you would not be human if it did not. However you have made an enormous step in realizing osmething is wrong and are starting down the path that will give you real perspective on your situation. To start as you have takes wisdom and bravery

I'm glad you have clinical support and are not facing all this entirely alone. May I ask if you have personal support in your life too? A family member or friend perhaps. Someone who will listen and show they care. It can be a real comfort.

I'd also suggest you contact 1800RESPECT as they are very familiar with this sort of behaviour, particularly as it is liable to get worse.

You know you are always welcome here and life does not always have to be weltschmerz. You sound a lovely person and deserve better. you are gaining the  wisdom for it to happen.

Croix