Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Double betrayal

Community Member
My husband and I had been trying a separation since May. He hasn’t been happy at home, and was telling me he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore. We have 3 children (12 and under) and we have been together for almost 25 years. We we married 13 years ago. We are both in our forties and so I thought that this was a dramatic mid-life crisis. I didn’t want him to go. But I agreed that he did have some issues that he needed to work out, so I reluctantly agreed. Fast forward a bit, we’ve been sharing parenting 50/50 (week on week off) the kids have been adjusting ok. But I know have found out he’s been sleeping with a mutual friend. I confronted them (quite calmly if you will) about it face to face. And they both said they love each other, but my husband says he also loves me. My trust has been shattered and I don’t know what to do next. I’m willing to try and work through this with him. But he still is unsure in which direction to take. Help!
3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi Jazz, welcome

Assistance in these situations is purely based on opinion and also based on just your post.

I'd suggest there's little point in "fighting" for your husband at this time. The best you can hope for is that it's a passing phase and he'll miss the unity of his original family. It's a pity he didn't feel he could work on his relationship with you.

My advise is, because him returning is unlikely, concentrate on your parenting and spend your spare time being distracted, visit friends, shop for clothes, enjoy single life. It won't be easy but what you do need is some self esteem.

And ignore his comment that he loves you. Action speaks louder than words.


Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get


Community Member

Hi Kazz77.

I maybe able to help you with your difficult situation but it will take some dedication on your part. You still really love him and want to be with him, you're not sure on the best pathway.

The first thing you must do is value yourself worth. You need to stop enabling his bad behaviour and unfortunately, him sleeping with someone else (not his Wife) is very unhealthy and poor behaviour…...on his part. That has nothing to with you. When a man knows he has all his supply and you have nothing else to provide, he may get bored and pursue other options. The thing is, he is delusional in the fact that he is now living a fantasy. Please remember that. It's not real.

While he lives his fantasy, you will:

  • Focus on your life, accepting yourself for who you are and improving where you need to.
  • Stay in touch and build connections: connect with friends, family and make new friends or try some dating.
  • Sign up to a Psychologist, speak with councilors or start a mental/physical wellness program designed to get you moving forward.
  • Lean to be happy without this man, learn to love yourself and be as independent as possible.
  • Ignore him, don't text him, give him a cold should.

The last point is important. If you ignore his bad behaviour, don't reach out to him, try not to reply to him , don't give him any attention, you'll eventually go back to when you two first met. You need to leave him on edge. He needs to wounder why you are no longer giving him attention. The moment he realises that you are not longer giving him the attention that he needs, he will hurt, a lot. His world will crumble and will be alliterated, he will wounder where you disappeared too.

But by doing this, you will be a new person and you will be happier. After several months of ignoring him, then accept his call, have a chat and do not bring up the past, you will be taking to him like the first time you both met and the sparks will come back, trust me.

Please let us know how you are coping.

Adding onto the previous post. Get Instagram and follow clem ford. After doing everything the above poster mentions you may realise you can be even happier than you ever were without him. You may realise that independence, friends, being able do whatever you want whenever you want is amazing. You may realise he never deserved you in the first place. Leave your husband. Travel, do everything you always dreamed of doing. Love life, love yourself.