Don't know where else to turn

[lonesoul]

I just want the pain to stop. It feels like everywhere I turn there is no hope at happiness. I'm constantly worried about everyone. My dad tried to commit suicide six times and it ended with Mum and Dad divorcing. Mum is struggling to make ends meet with a mortgage and us to look after. Dad only contacts me now when he needs my help; its never to say how are you going. My Nan and Pop are getting really old so I constantly worry every day that I have said my last goodbye. I haven't seen my fiance in just about 5 months. It feels like it would be better off for him if we broke up and he found someone that wasn't 1400km away. I was diagnosed two years ago with moderate depression and ever since then it feels like I am trying to fight an uphill battle every day. I am sick of the anxiety attacks trying to deal with all the emotions. Last night I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and the only way I could get to sleep was when mum made a makeshift bed on my floor and slept with me.

I feel like banging my head against the wall trying to get all the thoughts to stop. There are some days where I just can't take it and just want to cut the pain out. I don't want to die. I just want the pain and bad thoughts to stop. Is it too much to ask for one piece of happiness to stay happy? What does it take for me to get my own bit of happiness without everything turning to hell?

I am sorry this isn't very articulate but I can't get this all out the way I want to. How do you cope? How do you find the little ray of sunshine in a world so dark?

[blondguy]

Hello Lonesoul

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting

You are in a dark place Lone. You have way too much on your plate. I do feel your pain as having anxiety and depression for many years. Really sorry about you dads health too.

I am not sure how regular visits to your GP/counselor are but at the stage you are at now the more frequent the counseling the better you will feel and cope with everything that is going on.This is important.

Back in the '80's I had to see a community health worker every week for six months. He was a psychiatric nurse who gave me the best counseling I have ever had. At the start of the 6 months it was difficult to open up but after he got me to vent and cry...a lot of my anxiety and frustration disappeared.

Has your partner offered to come over and help? Your nan and pop getting on can also be difficult to cope with Lone. Both my parents are very frail and in their 80's. I hear you.

Let me know your thoughts about regular counseling visits. There are many super kind people on the forums that can be here for you Lonesoul. It would be great if you could post back

you are not alone

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[lonesoul]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately it is a very dark place and its not one I can seem to come out of. Last year, I was seeing a psychologist every week for about three months and it seemed to help for a while. But right now its really tight with money and unfortunately I can't afford to see one at the moment. I think I just need to vent and scream at my father and then I will truly heal but with him now living in Thailand its a bit hard. I think that if I let him know how I truly feel I will lose contact with him forever and I dont want to do that. He is my father, no matter what he has done.

My partner was right in the middle of his final year at uni and it was important for me for him to finish. Right at this moment it is very difficult for us to make the 1400km journey as both of us have family and commitments at our place. He tries to help as much as he can but he doesnt truly understand the darkness that I dwell in (I hope to God he never does either).

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It means a lot that someone is listening

Kim

[Ravenq]

Yep I can see why you're feeling you're in a dark place right now. It can be hard shouldering everyone else's problems when your own load is heavy on it's own xx

Its beautiful that your Mum camped on the floor with you. It's good to know you have someone close that you can find comfort with.

I agree with Paul, therapy is truely worth accessing if you haven't already xx I also recommend kitty cuddles xx I'm happy to listen if you want to share, as are many of the lovely & caring people on here xx welcome lonesoul

[james1]

Hi Kim, that is a very sad story. It is especially hard when our loved ones are either out of reach or just don't understand.

In terms of coping, I'm also sitting in a bit of a pit at the moment where I feel like every day is just a struggle to get through between panic attacks and just feeling empty with no one to talk to.

But what I've tried to do is I keep trying to say something nice in all my conversations. There's even been times when I've felt so bad, I went to buy an ice cream just to give the person serving me a nice (and non-creepy) compliment. I find that helps, even if just briefly, because you feel happy about doing a good deed. And that helps me drag myself through my day, in the hope that there's a better day at the end.

[blondguy]

Hi Kim, thankyou for posting back. It means a lot. I see where you are coming from now. Its always great to have someone thank us for listening 🙂 I have had acute anxiety since I was 23 in 1983. If you want to vent you are welcome...even any questions you have we can try to help you with. Paulx

(sorry to hijack your post Kim) Hey Ravenq and james1 ...Thanks so much for helping Kim....legends 🙂

[Guest_1055]

Hi Kim

I am so sorry you are going through so much at the moment. Being in that dark place is awful, well.....more then awful. I wish I could take away all of it for you, so you wouldn't have to be there. I can send a hug out to you if you like hugs.

That must be so hard to have a father that tried to commit suicide. I am not sure exactly how I would feel in your place there. But maybe I would feel a lot of different emotions ranging from very deep sadness, rejection, shattered, grief, troubled, abandoned, fear, a feeling of being let down and even anger and bitterness maybe. It is hard because we just want our dad's to love us.

I know you said you dad is living in Thailand and you think it may help if you could vent out and scream at him. Maybe you could vent out on here, just let it all out whatever it is you want to say to him. Just get it out from within your heart. If you don't feel comfortable venting it here, maybe you could write him a letter telling him how you feel, how he has hurt you etc. And write with pure honesty, hold nothing back. And once you have written the letter, imagine he is in the room with you. Then read the letter out loud. And if you start to cry or anything, just let the tears fall. Maybe you could burn the letter afterwards or something.

When I have felt the need to scream it has come from the emotion of anger, frustration, hurt, the feeling of being let down or a feeling like" this is all too much". Is that how you feel then?

I agree with Ravenq it is beautiful that your dear mum camped out in your room like that. I am so glad you have her. You are truly blessed to have such a loving mother.

I am not sure if anything I have written is helpful to you, but please know we care about you and you are not alone.

Much love to you now

Shell xx