Don't know if it's my anxciety or partner treating me bad
I have just started seeking help for my mild anxiety and depression that I believe are based in a shit self esteem. The main reason for why I have booked in a psychologist appointment is that this is really affecting my relationship. I'm writing here because I'm not sure how to cope and my appointment is over two weeks away.
Anyhow, I know that I have a low self esteem and I think I might imagine things and be paranoid. I can't sort out what's my stupid brain and when I am actually being treated unfairly. We have been together for 8 months now and it has been turbulent from the start. Overall I'm better now with the support from him, but it is also devastating at times. I know that he was reluctant to start a relationship when we met, even though we already acted as a couple and everyone saw us as one, that he is shallow and have wanted me to lose weight (I'm not overweight), that he has been unsure of his feelings and has never told me that he loves me, and that he thinks about being with other girls. These are all douchebag things that makes me think that it would be more fair on me if I left. But he is also always supportive when I have a breakdown, cares about me a lot, wants to be with me and has made huge efforts to better himself for me. I keep seeing things he does as evidence for him not caring about me enough and not having strong feelings for me. Like when he doesn't ask questions about me in conversations, disregards my needs or forgets to notify me of things.
For example, on Australia day, I knew he was seeing a mate during the day. We didn't text during the afternoon and when I texted him later in the evening, I just got stupid replies that didn't say anything. Found out a bit later from his mate that they were at a BBQ party, he was very drunk, and they had been drinking all day. My partner didn't tell me this. They went out later with the people at the BBQ and were out until early in the morning. He still didn't tell me. So if his mate hadn't texted me, then I wouldn't have known about it. I was so upset that I couldn't sleep and my heart was racing. I felt excluded, forgotten and left in the dark. Then a friend reminded me that he is allowed to be with his mates without me, and perhaps not having to tell me about going out even though it's a bit selfish.
What I wonder is, how do I know when I react appropriately because he is treating me badly and when I overreact because of anxiety and low self esteem? Sorry for a long text.
I am so pleased to hear that you have an appt coming up. It is frustrating that you have to wait 2 wks for it. It is great that you are able to talk about your worries here, it will help you to get it out and talk about it.
I have been in several toxic relationships and witnessed many of my friends in them. This relationship sounds very similar to some of those. From what you have written, it sounds as if you are not happy at the moment. A healthy relationship is built on friendship and trust. How would you feel if a girlfriend treated you like this? It doesn't sound like you are friends with your BF, sometimes we do fall out of friendship, but to be honest, it does not sound like he has been your friend for quite a while.
Of course, I can only go by what YOU say, and you are feeling down atm, and not your normal self. Would he tell it differently? I believe that you have been honest to yourself in taking this step to post here. Love sucks, really. It never runs smoothly and takes a lot of effort by both people to work in the long term. Many men, especially when young, are not able to connect to their emotional side, which I think is what you are craving from him. He may not be capable of ever giving what you want from him.
I ask that you please re-read your post in a few days or a wks time. ( Click on the my threads tab at top). It might be clearer to you with the passage of time. You may feel differently on re-reading it, or not. But i hope it may give you some perspective.
Either way, YOU are the most important thing you need to be worried about. You can't change his thinking, but you are in control of your own. I hope your appt comes quickly and that you can keep being active in maintaining your mental health. That too takes a lot of effort, so do it now, DO NOT let yourself slip down further. Please get on top of it while you're young, get some coping strategies now & you may save yourself a lot of lifelong anguish.
Life is a roller coaster, the joy of the highs and the pain of the lows are inevitable. Strap yourself in, accept that nothing lasts forever and try and learn from each experience.