Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

[Kakapo]

He has been trying the last 2 months to get better, had his first session with psychologist on Thursday (he did work with her 2 years ago too). He's been feeling lost, low self-esteem (can't love himself), and like our relationship is a pressure to him because he can't meet the expectations of being in a relationship. Thinks I would be better with someone else - even if it hurts him a bit. He's trying to be realistic. Our lease ends in November and he wants to go separate ways to recover and sort his life out (he just lost his job also). He doesn't know if he will be the same or if he will get better by the time he comes through the other side of this.

To say I am heartbroken doesn't describe the agony I am in. The pain is worse than when my dad died. My boyfriend was the kindest man I had ever met, driven and funny. He was very intimate. And then he just started slipping away from me. I was emotional and hurt, which pushed him further away. I started seeing a psychologist and taking prescribed anti-depressants to try cope.

I have plans to study next year (so does he). That helped initially to know I had something to focus on. But now I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to work. I'm trying not to cry at work. The pain while crying has been so bad I'm having trouble breathing. I moved countries for him and I have no family here. No really close friends. I am so scared and alone, all I want is to be loved again.

To have everything you wanted and lose it all, while still in love, is the most excruciating emotional pain I think we can experience. What do I do? I'm crying so hard and am in so much agony, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

He's not who he was. I wish he would get better, and would love himself and me again.

[Kakapo]

Yuup I totally understand both of you. It does seem like he's giving into the anxiety, which frustrates me. I don't see how he is going to get better, or know he is better, if he's already out of the situation. Shouldn't they try to desensitize themselves slowly? Maybe this is his way of doing that cause he feels flooded by anxiety to the point he can't cope.

I did feel used, yeah. I was actually married when I met him (I got married at 19, and the relationship was already 'dead' when he came along). But I felt annoyed that I left my life, my country (New Zealand), and my FAMILY.. so I could build a life here with him. Granted, I wouldn't go back to NZ to live cause I prefer Melbourne but oh man it just feels rude! I've gone through all the stages of grief, I got mad.. felt in denial, tried to pick up the pieces, felt like it was my fault and miserable. Cried to my mum on skype for 2 hours every day for a few days..

After I started assessing the things I wasn't happy about in the relationship it sort of started to help me see I deserve better. Telling my mum all about it (I'm usually very private and don't share these things), she could relate to her previous experiences with boyfriends and told me I deserved better. And that no, I wasn't needy - I had normal human emotions. I just wanted to be held sometimes. He couldn't provide that. And knowing that it's because he is unwell sort of helps too - he didn't leave because we weren't compatible, it's cause his mind is unwell. Maybe one day things will be different but for now I can work on me.

Going to work really helped today too. On Sunday it was another story, I was trying not to cry in front of the patients and was the only one on the front desk. That was pretty terrible.. Today I just felt freer, I felt distracted and like I could function.

I'm hoping to start part-time study next year - hope that will help me meet new people too. I just bought a car to help me get around and not rely on him / public transport.

A big part of me hopes he misses me when he sees how well I'm doing. And the home comforts I gave him. I hope he realizes what he's missing out on.. because frankly I think we are all probably very caring and good partners that just wanted to support them.

[LeeA18]

It takes time to heal. Let it all out and cry. I was doing grocery shopping yesterday and had tears. I take tissues everywhere.

my ex deleted and blocked me from Instagram on the weekend. He also deleted a photo. That took me back a step. This was after I confronted him about something last week. I haven’t said anything to him. I won’t. What I said must have hurt him but he has done things to me over the last 2 months that have really hurt me and I haven’t said anything or reacted. I truly believe that he is with someone else now. But, you know what, she can deal with all the issues that he has. I need someone that is stable and will share experiences with me, even these types, as they can bring a couple closer.

i hope you have a good day.

[lost6]

Kakapo your strength in your last post is great to see. It’s good to hear that you’ve opened up to your Mum and continue getting the support you need. Melbourne is definitely a great city so good choice in staying if you like it here. It sounds like you’re taking really great steps for your own wellbeing at the moment which is the important thing.

I liked what you said about all of us being supportive partners and that it didn’t work out because of the mental illness not because of compatibility. I go through waves where I try and convince myself of that and other times where I think of tiny little things (like, maybe I shouldn’t have called him when he was studying etc.) and wonder if I hadn’t done that would he have left still. But I didn’t know my ex was struggling with depression because he didn’t tell me until we broke up so it’s only in hindsight that I can see it.

LeeA18 I completely understand about tears at random times. For some reason I find grocery shopping actually tough at the moment. Maybe it’s bevause we’re used to buying for 2 people not one? Social media is also wreaking havoc with my emotions too. The photo being deleted would’ve been incredibly hard. But great job on standing up for yourself. It sounds like you’re beginning to realise how you deserve to be treated. I’m dreading the day when the photos he has up of us get deleted too. It’s sounds silly because the relationship is over, but seeing the memories disappear will hurt.

[Kakapo]

Waking up this morning was better than the last mornings. 2 days ago I felt like I was being hit by a wave of emotions in my heart, yesterday it felt like the pit in my stomach felt anxious. I just woke up now and it was slight discomfort. So this is a good sign. I'm a bit worried I'll have bad days and slip right back into not being able to function.. Did either of you have bad days like that?

Being pushed out of his life (blocked) would seriously hurt. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It seems cruel. My.. 'friend' (I'm not sure what to call him now.. that sucks) fortunately has always been one to stay in (healthy) contact with his ex + didn't remove them from his life. So he won't do that to me either. I mean we're currently still sleeping in the same bed until I move out probably around November when the lease is up (we have to pay the rent until then). I find myself still trying to inch closer to him in bed, and sleeping nearer to him for comfort. I'm an affectionate person - I would do the same with my mum, or close friends.

For me, knowing I deserve better helps me see things more practically and takes the edge off the pain. Acknowledging also that if he was like he is now, back when I met him, I would not have dated him. He's not the man I fell in love with.

I know what you mean about blaming yourself. I slipped into that a little last night when he told me there were things I did that triggered the pain his mother had caused him growing up. It really sucks because in those times it happened, I often was reacting in pain to him not giving me enough love (and I'm not particularly needy). I'm glad he can at least see how his past is mucking up his future, and how he has to rewire himself. It's all to do with attachment theory - and I believe he is the avoidant type. Have you guys heard about that? It gave me an enormous amount of insight to what is going on. I also learnt I am the anxious type, and place too much of my security in partners.

He still checks in with me which makes me feel important in his life so that helps. He vents to me, asks me my opinion, checks to see how I'm doing. I'm really fortunate - he is caring underneath it all. I think he's more the fearful-avoidant. He wants love deep down and is a peace maker who hates arguing, but when he gets too close and someone reacts negatively he backs right off because it scares/hurts/triggers him from the way he was treated.

[LeeA18]

I still have bad days. It feels like just one thing after another.

I wonder what I could have said or done differently. I regret what I did last week but he has hurt me himself. We had a great relationship until he did that last week. I’ll just give him time and space.