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Do we let go of our first love?

Janksie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi, I am new to this forum, i really wanted to talk to someone, actually I'm from Kenya and I moved to Australia 8 years ago, when I was in Kenya, I wAs generally a shy and reserved girl. While I was working in an auditing firm there, I fell in love with a guy there, it was first just love or maybe a crush and slowly changed to saying hello, to eventually dating each other. I belong to an Indian community and in our community there, dating someone was considered inappropriate. My mum was not aware of what was happening in my life as it was a secret relationship. Eventually our dating became passionate love and we got very intimate with each other. Anyway, skipping the details, he was the first man I opened myself to and lost my virginity to. Eventually, the time came when my mum and grandmother insisted that I should get married, I was 22 at that time and in my family, getting married late was also not considered appropriate. So because I was so close to this guy, I approached him for marriage and to talk to his parents. Indian community has a caste system, so his family did not accept my caste as it was different from theirs. My mum was strict too, but I knew that she loved me and will accept it if it was for my happiness. my guy couldn't fight for me and told me he can't do this, can't marry and can't go against his parents. So after many attempts, I knew it was not going to happen and we broke up, after a year or so, eventually through arranged marriage setup, I got married and moved to Australia, my current husband is very loving, very caring, All these years that I have been married, I couldn't stop comparing my husband to my first love, even though he is aware of my past, I never admitted to him about the internal comparisons I made. I think I never got over my first love. Recently, I found out he got married, to someone of a different caste, a caste his family would not accept. It shocked me and broke me to pieces. Why did he marry her and not me? I felt the urge to confront him but I have no contact details

 

Please someone help me figure this out, how do I stop myself from all this crying? These dreams and most of all the low self esteem I feel because he rejected me?i feel angry at the same time pain. 

 

Thankyou for for reading my post, I know it is long but I had to explain.

 

2 Replies 2

pipsy
Community Member

Dear Janksie.  I really feel sorry for the situation you're in.  When we fall in love for the first time, it's always really intense.  We build up in our minds a fantasy about marriage, children, happy ever after.  When it doesn't happen, it's devastating.  You since married, through an arrangement.  Do you have children?  If you were to meet first love again, it's possible what first attracted you would no longer be there.  Perhaps first love married because it was also arranged or because his now wife was pregnant.  It doesn't sound as though there is any way you could reconnect with him and if you did, it could cause more complications.  You say your now husband loves you, and knows something about your past.  Is first love still living in the community?  How did you find out he had married someone else?  Have you tried writing to your mum and just asking her about first love.  I think for the sake of your marriage, and the wife of your first love, it would be kinder to leave sleeping dogs lie.  Opening up old wounds could lead to more hurt, anger from your husband, plus a feeling of betrayal from husband.  I know it's hard, but if you are meant to eventually reconnect, I feel it will happen. 

I'm sorry if what I've said hurt you, but there's so many people who will be hurt if you try to find your first bf.  Think carefully before you do anything.

Janksie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear Pipsy, 

 

Thankyou very much for responding. What you say is very helpful and actually made me think of what I was about to do. Yes I have one 10 month old son that I love so much. Well my first love is still in Kenya, actually I came to know when I accidentally saw his Facebook profile picture and it shocked me, when I asked a friend of mine in Kenya, she told me he has been married for a year now and they don't have kids yet. After researching and asking people I know I came to know she is not from his caste and neither was it an arranged marriage, it was a love marriage. 

 

I still  feel sad about it, but I do feel better after talking it out on this discussion forum. You are right, a lot of people would be hurt and that wouldn't be right on the innocent parties involved. I have started to tell myself that it is his loss. 

 

Thank you so much for making me feel better.

 

regards, Janksie