Do not know what to do next

[dawes]

My husband of 24 years is suffering from depression.  He has been seeing a councilor which is good.  Unfortunately he has always had an issue with my only daughter and I think feeling is mutual.  Talk about being torn.  Well it all came to a head at Christmas something was said and I confronted him but instead of being my normal calm self I snapped at him.  Well he walked out spent a night at a Motel. He did come home but would not talk to my daughter & her husband.  When they left he moved into spare room and told me to consider him a boarder.  He said he didn't love me anymore & I did apologize for the way I reacted and told him that I still love him.  Well he has been intimate with me so I am so confused.  He went to councilor again today and he said he still didn't love me & Councilor advised him to stop being intimate with me as it is no good to him or myself.  What the hell can I do? 

[pipsy]

Hi dawes.  I think when he said to just get on with your life, after you asked how he would feel if you behaved the same as him, what he was saying was, I don't wish to get into this discussion.  It's easier for him to 'sweep' everything under the proverbial carpet than it is to face himself for what he is and what he's done.   Can I ask how long you have been in the house?  Have you considered getting it valued to see exactly how much it is worth.  Once you know it's worth, then you could see a lawyer and work out an offer to make him.  The only consolation I can offer is, he will probably do this again to his next gf.  I know that doesn't help you, but he seems to be showing his true colours.  I also hate to say this, but I don't think he is capable of true love.   Why do you have to give him 78% of your super?  It seems to me, you're having to do all the giving, you're trying to buy him out, so he'll get money there.  You have to give him 78% of super, I can't understand that?  Are you seeing a counsellor to get some support?  I really think you should consider seeing one.  Ask your Dr to recommend one. 

I'm also sending you hugz, I think you could use some friendship. 

[blondguy]

Hey Dawes

Pipsy is spot on here...and Thankyou for responding too

.Oh how shallow some people can be. You have a lot to offer Dawes...and with all respect of course. Your husband will have his day. I am sorry that you have had to go through this...

78% of your Super? No Way!....That is yours...please ignore any comments/correspondence from your husband and seek your own advice...Property is one thing....Your Super is very much another...thats a No Go Zone...

As per Pipsy (Hugs for you)

Here for you 🙂

Paul

[dawes]

Well guys it is now the law (family law) that if one of the parties has a lower income then higher income earner has to provide them with larger percentage.  I understand this when you put it in context eg Two professional people marry and both earning about the same, the wife has children and she remains at home and perhaps works part time.  On settlement they could look at her earning capacity if they did not decide for her to stay home etc etc.  It was just a  shock.  I am entitled to half of his but very little super in his account.

 I have been to a lawyer and had an agreement prepared which he is agreeable to.  If I get my refinance then I can hopefully see an increase in value 2 or 3 years down the track and use that as my super.  

Have also found out that he has already targeted another women. Probably been going on since he said he had depression.

I am totally ok at the moment, just feel like punching him in the face sometimes.  He sits in his room and video chats to the new woman most of the time. I told him that he is very selfish and unconsiderate.

Hope Karma comes to both of them  because she ducked under her computer desk when i worked in the room.  She knew

 I am just waiting now for it to be all over and get him out of here.  I just want some peace

Thanks guys for listening to my rants

[pipsy]

Hi dawes.  Sorry to say this, but all that crap about higher income earner has to provide lower income earner with larger percentage if they part, sounds a bit suss to me.  Who told you that?  I would get a 2nd or even 3rd opinion on that.  As for your super, that's YOURS, you've earned it.  Have you actually talked to a lawyer?  I would also make sure the lawyer you talk to works for you, not against you.  When I divorced my 1st husband, I made the mistake of engaging a lawyer who was more for 'men' that 'women'.  You don't have to accept the first lawyer you talk to.  Contact legal aid, see if they can suggest someone.  Or you could phone a lawyer.  There are some who will give you a free for 20 minutes consultation.  Explain as best as you can your situation.  I think you'll find you've been slightly mislead.  Can I ask when he will be going?  You need to be able to get on with your life. 

[dawes]

Pipsy,

 I have 3 opinions on Super & one is Legal Aid There is a Family Law Act covering it.  We both have lawyers and mine is Female.  I had put my mother on our title when we first bought the house, so now she has a 1/5 interest in it so that is removed from any profit.  He actually thought I planned it  would you believe. Anyway he has agreed to a specific amount which is less than the amount he could be entitled to. I am ok with that amount because it is the same amount if we sold the house and split the profit (and not claim my super).  Only problem is that I will have to keep working for at least a few years to get back what I pay him.  I may have refinance approved just need to check today.  At least will not have to move my Mum & I.  He said he didn't want Mum to move because if anything happened he would feel guilty.  Hoping to have agreement signed this week and lodged at Family Court.  Then I have up to 45 days once Court Approves to pay him out.  

[blondguy]

Hey Dawes

It sounds like you know exactly what you are talking about and good on you for having the up to date info too..we appreciate it.

If I may quote what you said "Well guys it is now the law (family law) "

I have spent nearly a decade in the family court just trying to have contact with my daughter and I may be wrong here but I sat through many cases (recently) and the rules were specific about a 50/50 split...and the super was never discussed.

I have read what you have said about the percentages re super and the detail involved. I just cant subscribe to your interpretation of the events. Please forgive me if my info/experience has dated recently.

Pipsy was just trying to help you Dawes...

We are still here for you

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[dawes]

I know you and Pipsy are trying to help and I appreciate it very much.  Unfortunately I have always earned more than my husband and he is also stating health reason (depression).  I was as shocked as you guys to find that out about super.  But either way the agreement is what I thought he should have (calculated both with or without my super)and at least this way we do not have to go to court.  I warned him that if it does he can kiss all the $$$$$ goodbye.

Pipsy I am looking forward to the settlement now so he can leave.  I am guessing either end of April or sometime in May.   At least if we have to sell the house he has to leave at that point.

Thanks guys would love to have sat and had a coffee/tea ☺

[dawes]

Found this info also: 

In the context of the Family Court, property includes many different types of assets, eg:home or land;parties’ bank accounts;vehicles;household furniture;shares and debentures;paintings, antiques, and other works of art;clothing and jewellery;superannuation entitlements;businesses;insurance policies.

Are there any rules?
There are but it’s very difficult to predict what the split will be. The Court tries to make a fair decision based on your past contributions and your future needs – this can be a very subjective process.You often hear of parties splitting their assets 50-50% or 60-40% or even 70-30%.There is no clear cut rule and that is why legal advice needs to be sought.For example, a 50-50% split may be ordered if the parties are young and have no children. Both parties may also be employed. If the contribution was equal, then a 50-50% split may be ordered.

A 70-30% split may be ordered because one party has been looking after the children for many years and have no real prospect of employment while the other spouse has a high paying job.  

In my case I still work & he has casual work and no prospect of better paying work.  He palyed his cards well and obviously had info before this started  He is going to retire Lucky you know what

[pipsy]

Hi dawes.  I'm so sorry if Paul and I upset you in any way.  That was never our intention.  You're right about it would've been nice to sit over coffee/tea, unfortunately that can never be.  We can however, have a cuppa in your name.  I hope you come out of this mess relatively intact emotionally.  I guess the fact that he has agree to an out-of-court settlement is a blessing.  Going to court would've meant airing dirty linen in public.  At least you've been spared this.

Please keep in touch, just to let us know how you're going. 

May I take this opportunity to wish you and your mum all the very best.  Take care of yourselves.

[dawes]

Pipsy,

 No No!! you DIDN'T upset me at all.  I just posted the info I found in case someone else may need to know.

I am about to have a coffee and think of you both and how grateful I am to have you both helping me through this

You will never know how much you have both helped. It is like I have you with me on this journey

☺