FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Do not know what to do next

dawes
Community Member
My husband of 24 years is suffering from depression.  He has been seeing a councilor which is good.  Unfortunately he has always had an issue with my only daughter and I think feeling is mutual.  Talk about being torn.  Well it all came to a head at Christmas something was said and I confronted him but instead of being my normal calm self I snapped at him.  Well he walked out spent a night at a Motel. He did come home but would not talk to my daughter & her husband.  When they left he moved into spare room and told me to consider him a boarder.  He said he didn't love me anymore & I did apologize for the way I reacted and told him that I still love him.  Well he has been intimate with me so I am so confused.  He went to councilor again today and he said he still didn't love me & Councilor advised him to stop being intimate with me as it is no good to him or myself.  What the hell can I do? 
35 Replies 35

pipsy
Community Member

Dear dawes.  I understand where you're coming from with your mum to consider, and I hate to say this, but at the moment, the last person I'd be considering is your hubby.  Have you considered selling and going your separate ways?  Just an idea.  If you ring relationships Australia, they have excellent counsellors who would be able to point you in the right direction as far as your marriage, mum and you go.  I think they have a system where they could help you money-wise too.  If your hubby wants to continue living there, he's going to have to help pay food and other expenses.  BB is also here for counselling too. 

Keep in touch, if we can help in other ways we will try.

dawes
Community Member

Pipsy,

 Well found out today that my husband told me he had a luncheon to go to but on his return said he had been to a solicitor.  I guess the writing is on the wall and looks like I need a counselor AND a solicitor.

Good birthday present for me for tomorrow. Guess I have to pretend to be happy again 

pipsy
Community Member

Hi dawes.  I'm so sorry for this predicament.  Another cross to bear on top of everything else.  A counsellor at this stage is an excellent idea.  May I also congratulate you on your birthday.  With not having dependant children, the only common bond here is your home.  I would hold off seeing a solicitor, if he wants to waste money, let him.  If he wants to move out, also, let him.  I left my hubby late last year, neither of us has seen a solicitor as there is no property settlement.  However, one step at a time.  Find out what hubby wants to do.  If you check online, you may find that after 12 months apart, no children, you can apply for a divorce online.  All you would need a solicitor for is if you decide to sell your house, then you see a conveyancing lawyer. 

Again - may I say how sorry I am that this has happened. 

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Happy Birthday Dawes

I just read about your husband engaging a solicitor...If I can say how sorry I am for what you, your daughter and of course your 96 year old mum...(bless her) are going through right now...

Pipsy was spot on here..small steps...and let your hubby have the legal bills....

I am just making sure we have left the Welcome mat out for you Dawes if you need us

Paul

 

dawes
Community Member
Thanks for you kind words. Feeling not so emotional at the moment, more like tight knot in the gut that won't go away.  He wants me to download some of my super, pay his bills and give him 5000.00.   He finished moving everything out of our room last night (moved into spare room)  Asked him if this is what he was advised to do before Christmas.  He said yes but also so he would not be intimate just to satisfy himself.  We have talked more and he came up with what he wanted (with help from legal aide).  I asked him to write it down & he said I told you.  But when I said I wanted it in writing he asked if I was going to seek legal advice.  My answer YES as I have just as much right as he does.  He is going to ask legal aide what to write now.  Starting to think he has planned this for a long time.  

pipsy
Community Member

Hi dawes.  There is no way I would agree to his demand of downloading your super, paying his bills or giving him 5000.  I think a lawyer would advise you against his demand to.  I find it quite appalling he has the nerve to demand that.  Yes, you have the right to legal advice and I would hold off doing anything till you've had it.  I honestly don't think he has any right to anything.  As I said before, if all you have in common is your house, I would consider selling, halving the proceeds and going your separate ways.  If you had dependant children, different story.  Have you tried down loading advice re: separation/divorce.  We were married 25 years, no children.  I have to wait till we've been apart 12 months before we look at what to do re: the house.  I think you're right, he has been planning this.  I hope you are alright, in yourself.   Any bills that come in from him are his, not yours.  With this demand for 5000, it sounds as though he could be trying it on.  In my own case, once we are divorced, my hubby has to have our house valued, then depending on what the valuation is, he makes me an offer.  If I refuse (which I have the right to), it'll drag on till I accept his offer.  Hopefully, it'll be similar for you.  Unless you decide to move and leave him there.  If the house is jointly owned (like ours) you will have the same situation as me.  Hope this bit of advice helps clarify things slightly. 

Please keep us posted.  Take care of yourself and your dear mum.

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Dawes

You know in you heart what is happening here. You are intelligent and speak from the heart. If I may say great move to ask for it in writing..Excellent and well done to you. I have read everything you have said ( more than a few times) and even though its just my opinion....Please dont touch your super...You have worked for it..its yours...not a 'bank account' you can draw from for your husband.

Your answer on his query re getting legal advice was spot on Dawes...YES! Please stick to your guns here...Everything I have read so far has many 'red flags' from your husband...I admire your strength and independence on this matter.

The super (Your Super) is yours. You are doing a great job of crossing the 'T's and dotting the 'I's.

You do have the same rights as your husband. There is no difference.

Here if you need us Dawes...and well done to you!

Paul

dawes
Community Member
Thanks Paul. Nice to know someone is there. Unfortunately I do not have friends close enough or that I can trust to talk to and provide an unbiased opinion.  My family will always take my side I know but not the same.

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

No worries Dawes...Psst..dont tell anyone but my support network has 1 person..seriously. But I am thankful for that.

Dawes...it is always so good to be able to get another 'point of view' on things from a neutral person(s)..Exactly!

Here for you 🙂

Paul

dawes
Community Member

Well nice people I have an update for you.

I think my husbands depression was caused by having to make a decision he didn't want to make.

He seems to be fine now.  He is still living in the house even though we are separating, but he is now spending all his time in HIS bedroom chatting on line (Skype) with a new female "Friend". He tried to hide it. I knocked on his door to give him some legal info and there he was chatting on Skype with someone (Apparently she hid under her desk when I walked in)  I told him to tell her not to hide I do note care if he chats to a friend.

Funny when you lie and try and hide things, they always trip up somewhere.  He asked me for a pre payment on the settlement as he needed to pay bills get his car fixed and wanted to go away for the weekend.   So I asked if he needed the car fixed for the weekend away.  He says sort of. I put 2 & 2 together he was going to fly to where this lady is.  So I asked him. He said there nothing sexual or anything. Really!! I wasn't born yesterday & I know he hates living on his own so thought well he has his next one lined up.

Well I decided to give him the money but it will be in our Separation orders.  Had a talk to him about how hurtful it was knowing he didn't love me anymore and now his is doing this. Asked him to be himself in my shoes - how would he feel?  He said well I would just say get on with your life.  Also told him how selfish he was because I am doing all the organising and wasn't even interested in the Orders from Solicitor he just wanted to get back to chatting.

Well trying very hard now to refinance the mortgage and increase it so I can pay him out (Don't want to have t move my mum).  HE can claim of 78% of my super so just want the house now so hopefully value will increase in next few years so I can get some back.  Will have to continue working

Well keeping my emotions in check and maintaining calm demeanor !!   Otherwise I think I will crash