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Do I end it or do I try to make it work? What's wrong with me?

ssvv24
Community Member

I've been in a relationship with this guy for a year and a couple months now and we've both never gotten into a relationship before. About 9 months in or so I've been contemplating whether I even want to be with him anymore. They were just fleeting thoughts I'd get occasionally though. I've realised lately that I'm kind of on-and-off about my feelings for him. He's always been the optimistic one and I frequently feel like I'm being a burden because I rant too much to him and I have lots of family and friend drama I unload onto him. We've never had any big fights or broken up but I feel almost tired of us at times, or maybe I'm just tired of myself convincing me that I'm dragging us down.

I feel terrible but sometimes when he brings up topics I don't like discussing, such as politics or sports, I get annoyed and kind of tap out of what he's saying because I'm disinterested or I don't want to debate or fight. I don't think I enjoy our conversations as much anymore. Whenever we go out together, I don't say much or I'm not as happy or talkative as I was in the beginning. Could someone please tell me if this is normal for a relationship? I don't have a reference so this is something that constantly worries me.

He was a bit chubby in the beginning but I didn't care about it until now. He's recently gained about 23 pounds, and I genuinely still do love him, but I've almost completely lost my attraction to him. . It's been months now and he still hasn't done anything to lose a little bit of weight. I tell him nicely to at least reduce how much carbs he's eating but he refuses to because he loves them too much, so I've given up on him losing weight because he's too stubborn. I've accepted that he's going to stay this way now. Honestly, sometimes I feel embarrassed to be seen in public with him because of how visibly fatter he's gotten but it doesn't seem to bother him much because he's confident in his appearance, despite the belly. It irks me a bit because I always try my best to look good for him. I do my makeup and dress nicely whenever we're out and he just wears sweatpants and a shirt as he can't fit his old pants anymore. He says he will be able to dress more nicely WHEN he loses the weight so he won't buy any new pants now...

I don't know where this relationship is going. Maybe I'm just bored of it now or maybe I'm not suited for this. Could someone who was in the same boat as me give me some advice? Thank you :c

3 Replies 3

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi . It happens.

Just wondering when you say you haven't has a relationship before how old are ya ?

lt's just that if young , it really doesn't sound like this is gonna go anywhere long term and there'll be others anyway. Maybe you should just get out of it and just be single for awhile. Just enjoy life until someone that really pushes the buttons comes along.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi ssvv24

Relationships are pretty much defined by how we relate to each other. In the beginning of a relationship we typically have a fair bit in common with our partner. I'm generalising here but it can pretty much look like this:

  • I do things which lead him to feel happy. He does things which lead me to feel happy
  • I am attracted to him. He is attracted to me
  • I am interested in getting to know more about him. He is interested in getting to know more about me

You get the gist. The list goes on and on as we enjoy having so much to relate to. Throw a bit of chemistry into the mix such as oxytocin (the love/bonding hormone), dopamine (the chemical of 'reward') and a few others and we can have a chemical cocktail of undeniable happiness, passion and excitement.

Folk will typically begin to drift apart when they stop relating to each other (and the chemistry slows down). You mentioned, in so many words, that you can't relate to your partner's lack of interest in his physical well-being or some of the topics of conversation he chooses to put out there. This perhaps makes it a bit easier to see why the relationship is changing in the way that it is.

So now the question is 'Are you willing to begin exciting some neurons in the relationship?' Getting our brain cells partying, so to speak, is what helps put us back on a high in a relationship. When we do things to excite our neurons/brain cells, the rest of our body also gets into party mood. If you think of moment where you were so excited by the thought of going out somewhere special, you might recall how your entire body felt: Perhaps some adrenaline kicked in and set your heart racing, you got a few butterflies going nuts in your stomach, a smile lit up your face and you just couldn't wait to get out there. Maybe it's time to suggest to your partner trying new and exciting things for you both to share/relate to. Seeing he likes his carbs so much perhaps one of those new things could involve something exercise based (make it exciting, as opposed to a chore). Perhaps consider buying a couple of bikes and a bike rack for the car for example and add some ventures to life (adventures).

Whether your relationship's in its dying stages or its begging for you to take it to a new level (as the old one's become a bit boring), think about how you want to evolve. After all, love is found in evolution.

Take care

SJ17
Community Member
Hi there, i just wanted to say you are not alone! Im in my mid 20's...in my 2nd long term relationship and one where i never ever doubted!! I have the most incredible loving partner who supports me through and through.tge last 4 months i would say i am the same...finding myself not enjoying it as much and his weight was also an issue. Although he is working on that. I cry almost every day with distress...not wanting to loose this relationship but not understanding where this is coming from. Its so hard i know where youre coming from. I know i dont have much advice right now as im still working through this myself. But i hope you find the answers youre looking for. And if you do please share 😊