Disrespect from New Husband and Step Daughter

[ApsaraJane]

Hi. I'm newly remarried in a blended family situation. My husband has 2 adult daughters in their late 20's.

Things were great until his oldest daughter moved in with us. She is usually in some form of crisis. Her dad has always been there to get her out of trouble. She became more money for bills. Husband would just give her his credit card and she would wrack up expenses. She now owes us around $12,000 which she believes she is entitled to this money. I was not consulted on giving her money, he just tells me after he's done it. At one stage he discussed her money situation with his ex-wife, and she wanted us to give more money to his daughters. So he did, but without speaking with me.

When we moved in all together, my presence in the same room was her upsetting her and I had to leave when she was there. This is in my own home. She even did this in front of my husband, storming out of a room in tears because I happened to walk in at the same time. He asked me "what did you do to her?". There were regular tantrums about bizarre things and slights I was supposed to have done to her.

All this time I kept asking my husband to work with me to talk with her and find out what was going on. He didn't want to be involved - saying it was strictly a conflict between the two of us and he was only the meat in the sandwich. He asked me to make sure that she had her own space inside our home and I had to make sure I didn't upset her - as I was causing her depression. I told him she had to move out.

My husband just doesn't want to listen to how I feel, but conceded he thinks she has had bipolar. We have had so many arguments about how to managed this issue. He says that none of this is disrespect, let alone abuse. I am just overdramatizing his daughter's behaviors.

I think she is likely to be uBPD and they are enmeshed. They are co-dependent and enabling her behaviors by turning a blind eye.

So - where to next? We have started marriage counselling, with the counsellor telling me I have no childhood trauma triggers, I have unhelpful thinking and I need to get some CBT. He said I need to "put on my big girl pants and build a bridge". That I'm an aggressive person and my poor husband just wants a life without conflict.

Am I crazy to want to deal with the disrespect? Should I just forget the disrespect and move on? How? I honestly don't want to be married to him anymore. I want to heal from these feelings of disrespect which have resurfaced, by myself.

TIA

[quirkywords]

AsparaJane

Thanks for the update but I am sorry it has worked out like this. I am also sorry that you cant get closure because ex is stalling and trying to make you wait and cause you more stress.

I once dated a man whose daughter always came first which I understood but when he told me his two previous relationships ended when he found out his previous partners upset his daughter.

I was lucky I found that at the start of relationship.

I am glad you have your health. Sometimes we think we can work through something and if we just try harder but sometimes if our mental health is suffering it may not be worth the effort.

Thanks for your honesty.

Are you getting support?

[ApsaraJane]

Thanks quirkywords.

I never knew this would be the case for mine... he would say thing like she's estranged from her mother because they are the same... they antagonise each other etc... he never indicated or said that he would always put his daughter first.

But with her behaviours very much like BPD, my psych and I saw the pattern whereas she was punishing her mother and now me... And my husband didn't support his ex-wife when his ex and his daughter fought.... he took the daughters side... It's through snippets and anecdotes that I'm seeing the puzzle reveal itself. I was in the same pattern as his previous marriage... the daughter would accuse me (and the ex) of imagined slights and issues and he would stick by her... because she's sick. But rather than helping, he's enabling through a co-dependant relationship.

And that's what I meant by trying to work through the mental illness... her illness... but it impacted too much on me and my kids... so for our own health, we had to leave.

Then you feel guilty because you didn't try hard enough to save your marriage, to get his daughter help, to stick with marriage counselling. But I was the only one in this triangle proactively trying to seek positive outcomes, support and help. At some stage you have to call it quits.

I'm getting help but I still feel shattered...

[ApsaraJane]

All

A hard post to make.

My son suicided because of the emotional damage that my ex and his adult daughter put my son through.

I found out only 2 weeks before my son decided to end his life at age 15, about the depth and extent of the abuse at the hands of those two people. I tried to get him help but it was of no use.... He was determined to die because he felt shame and guilt and said he was worthless, would never grow up to be a real man, that he wasn't masculine enough, he was an incel - all words he had heard from his step father.

I had no idea of the levels of abuse my kids were getting from the ex... I thought it was only me. My son took on the abuse (and if not being abused verbally, ignored for days on end) very hard.

I am now left to pick up the pieces.

That man and his adult daughter knew exactly what they were doing to us and they didn't care. They don't know about my son's death - and to be quite honest, I can imagine them laughing over it. We are in another state and blocked all ties, phone numbers and social media etc with the family before this happened.

I just want to say - people - go with your gut feelings. If you feel something is not right, it probably isn't. Don't even think about others when they say you are probably over dramatizing things, or you need to forgive them and move on, or you are being too judgemental or labelling. Forget all of that and just work on your truth. For you and for your kids. 

I don't know how I will seek justice for my son against that man and his daughter. 

.... and I just heard that he had another partner with kids after me... I found them through mutual friends and got in touch. They have now broken up, but the ex-husband and his daughter were doing the exact same pattern of behaviours with that person and their kids that they did with me and my kids... and the now-ex partner believes it was all about getting a hold of her money. The ex-husband was trying to get her to sell up everything and move in with him and the adult daughter, pooling financial resources (what he did with me) ... knowing if they break up, he can claim half or more (like he did with me)... he's targeting financially secure individuals using the same MO, words and actions as he did with me. He took my house, my business, my savings, my dreams and now my kid...

and he's started doing it to others.

He's a conman looking for his next victim. He doesn't care who he hurts... and it has now resulted in a child's death. A coronial inquest will be held and I hope this all comes up in that and he is arrested and thrown into jail. Unlikely but still... wishing for karma or justice - whichever comes first.

[Sophie_M]

Hi ApsaraJane,  

Thank you so much for updating us, we're so sorry it's under these circumstances. We can hear how tough it's been for you and it sounds like you have been through a lot, we can imagine how difficult this would be. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s good that you could share an update, we hope that our community has some words of support for you.

You are not alone in this journey. It sounds like it would be worth reaching out to our lovely counsellors, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. Another good option is talking to our friends over at Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEDT). They provide support to people who’ve experienced trauma or abuse. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.

It's important you look after yourself, especially considering all that you have been through. We’re so sorry to hear about the loss of your son, especially under those circumstances. We hope you'll be able to seek justice but we also understand the toll that process can take on a person. Please remember Griefline might be good to talk to about this, on 1300 845 745 (8am-8pm AEDT every day).   

Thank you again for having such courage and strength to update us. Our community is here for you and we're sure they'll spot your post soon.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[ApsaraJane]

Thanks Sophie

I am only brave enough to start telling my story now. It happened 3 years ago and only 2 months after the divorce was finalised. 

I have been having grief counselling since then and have diagnosed CPTSD, which we believe started as a result of the abuse in the marriage and exasperated since the death of my son. I am having treatment for that too, as they are separate yet intertwined. The PTSD therapy is focussing mainly on that abuse in the marriage.

Just when we thought things had a bright side - they then didn't.

I just wanted people to know they must go with their gut feelings. I had so many people telling me I was blowing things out of proportion (including counsellors) and I was "at fault". 

Don't give up trying to find answers and getting help. We know our kids and we know ourselves. I wish I had gotten to the bottom of it before this happened and not at the end of it. My son was too embarrassed and full of shame to actually tell us what was really going on. If only...