Disowned my family / disowned by my family

[CountingCrows1]

Am I toxic or is it my family? I haven't spoken to my parents in 5 years. I have depersonalisation disorder.

- my father is an alcoholic and doesn't speak with family. He has trauma from many of them passing away. He sits silently and I get triggered because I don't know what to say. He and I both can't carry a conversation. I resent him because he was scary and was never interested to know me. Maybe his drinking and distant personality is not entirely his fault.

- my mother has always been highly stressed. She has never phoned me to chat. The only time she ever called me was on my birthday and Christmas obligatory calls. Maybe the responsibility is mine now in my 30's to call, but I find it too difficult as she never wanted to be close. She admitted to not being a family person. It became toxic growing up: me desperately wanting a relationship, her ignoring me.

One trigger is she always put on a voice. It is a fake over pronounced "hello, how are you" "ohhhh thats nice" and then nothing deeper. My childhood was her ignoring me and rushing around the house, stressed. Maybe she doesn't have social skills. But my parents both ignoring me when I used to go there to visit, makes me dissociate badly, and long for the parents I never had to finally love me and want me one day.

- my sister abandoned the family, probably for the above reasons. She was living with me at the time. I called the police and she was a missing person for a while. Her disappearance affected me. I wondered if it was my fault. During the six months we lived together, she didn't speak with me. I knocked on the door to chat sometimes, but she wanted to be alone. We used to get along ok growing up. I came to the conclusion that she needed to break away from her past, which included me. This was 8 years ago and I haven't heard a single word. It confuses me, as we used to have a friendship and it didn't seem toxic. I doubt that I will ever see her again. Not knowing if she is alive causes me distress. I miss he dearly and I hope she is ok.

- my brother hasn't been in my life due to a poor relationship with my father. We reconnected in my 20's a few times. But when my sister left, I became fixated on 'maybe I am the flawed one'. I haven't spoken with him for at least 5 years now. He has a very normal, happy life. He didn't grow up in my family. So I want to protect him, and also I couldn't live with the rejection if he got to know me and also rejected me.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone without love.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome. I have a fair bit to reply here.

Trying to analyse "family or me" decisions can waste away your effort to sort it out.

My MIL once said to me "my grandchildren dont come to visit anymore" I asked "when was the last time you visited them" She looked shocked "umm, a few years ago"

So, why havent you made effort to visit your siblings and try to overcome what seeds your parents planted in them forming a non functional family?"  Not knowing if she is alive is causing me distress" - well why not pick up the phone and call or take measures to find her? Private investigators can be commissioned to find her or your brother.  

My message is- that in order to move forward you need to acknowledge more the level of disfunction of your parents in order to counter the same situation repeating itself in your own life.

Eg my mother and father swore they would never have favourites in their children. Yet, later on I was told directly that my cousin was my mothers favourite over me just to control me more, manipulate. So I am now taking clear measures for that to stop.

It doesnt mean you cant still have some form of relationship with your parents but limit it to enable such contact to be acceptable like making it brief. The other thing is to seek out the comfort of other older people that like you and make them your quasi parent. I have two ladies I see as my mother figures and havent seen my real mother for 12 years. Life is better when you find love from others, having blood doesnt mean they will ever be close to you.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK