Disowned by my family

[Stats9]

Ever since I was young I was always the odd one out having two sisters mum was for the athletic one and dad for one other one that had heart problems, I never had any one to turn to I was bullied at school from year 4 till year 11, back then parents did nothing to help me. I left High School at end of year 12 and started working being bullied again at work was no fun and anxiety grew worse, until I met my husband who told me to stand up for myself, I took his advice and it worked, but not on my mother, she started to hate me more and argue with me all the time even though I was always there for her when I was younger. Younger sister met a drug addict and woman basher and I have no time for them at all, so now I have disowned by my family including my parents. Anxiety and depression has got the better of me and feel sad a lot of the time cos I know it’s not my dads fault he only listens to my mum and agrees with her saving him from arguments, my son misses his grandad lots and I miss dad too but we can’t see him no more... just not to sure what to do, I cry at nights some times and so does my son 💔☹️

[white knight]

Hi Stats, welcome

That rings a bell!. I had big issues with my mother 30 years ago. My wonderful dad wouldn't visit me as he felt it would be disloyal to his wife. So that made me patch things up with both of them, exactly as my mother planned. She used my dad as a tool, a weapon as such and it worked. He passed on 3 years later. Eventually 10 years ago I split with my mother forever. Life has been much better. How do you do that?

Well it isn't easy but they say you cant "choose your family". Well you can, you can eventually have older females and males that can be looked upon as parental figures that provide love and support and visa versa to you.

Sadly your dad has made his choice but I would write him a letter to state that he can join your life if he pleases and you respect his decision even if you don't agree with it. Then it is up to him. Tell him you don't expect much, a chat every few weeks, a visit twice a year but also that you cant be punished for you not seeing eye to eye with your mother by losing him.

Sadly it didn't work for me but that's what I tried.

All the best.

TonyWK

[Stats9]

Thank you White Knight, for you advice but unfortunately she opens his letters so I can’t send it to him, plus he has Alzheimer’s early stages I think could be worse so I don’t know if he’ll remember me or not, she’s a very horrible toxic person that makes you feel like crap, she use to call up to 20 times a day when we spoke always about her medical issues never asking how we all are. She always used my sister and myself against each other only to patch things up to only do it over and over again. To the point I couldn’t take it no more! I wrote a mean full letter to her stating the past how things were great when things were good, but then told her how I feel now I can’t call her “Mum” she’s no body to me now my husbands parents treat me with more love and respect then she does the last call I had from her after a argument she said in these words “ if your dad dies I won’t even tell you!” I could not believe what I heard I hung up and cried for days that shows you what type of horrible person she is!!

[white knight]

Hi Stats

Thankyou for replying and adding information which helps a lot.

I have had similar experiences. I went decades not realizing the true reason for my mothers behavior, then a friend told me to google- Witch queen hermit waif

or read this

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

and

read up on emotional blackmail and emotional manipulation

google - emotional blackmail

I'm not suggesting at all your mother has this problem, but I'm convinced mine does. She remains in denial and is 88yo now. The damage she has done to me and my sister is immeasurable. Ruined my first wedding in 1985, threatened to ruin the second wedding in 2011. She never got the chance as I got a court order to keep her away.

So a bit of research might help you. As for your dad, I'm so sorry he has such a medical condition. It is cruel to end you relationship on the condition you be in communication with your mother. That makes it hard.

You know Stats- there is a line in the sand within our own conscience, that dictates to us that "that is wrong so I will not bend to that treatment". And we should stand by that.

My mother (when I was 27yo, I'm now 63) threatened to leave the house and "go on a holiday for two weeks if you don't break off your relationship with that woman".... I replied "I'll help you pack".

So I refused to allow her to threaten me of manipulate others without me speaking up. She would say I didn't respect her- No! she didn't like me standing up for what was right.

I hope you like the links.

TonyWK

[Stats9]

Thank you I’m so sorry you to also have gone through similar situations it’s hard I know but me not talking to her no more has made me stronger in myself but still sad for my dad, but if that’s the way it has to be for me to be happy I gotta go with it 👍🏻

[Stats9]

I read about (BPD) and yes you are so right!! She is all of the above

thank you once again now I understand more about it

kind regards

Stats9

[white knight]

Thats good Stats

BPD is a terrible illness. I always make known that members here that have been diagnosed with it and maintain treatment, then they should be congratulated.

Many BPD sufferers sometimes remain in denial, other will get treatment for a few sessions then blame the therapist for incompetence and stop treatment.

In my case and my sister, we had to cut off all contact. I received two letters from my mother after that, both I wrote "return to sender" and sent back unopened. That took her power away.

I wish you all the best. We are here for you if you choose to repost.

TonyWK