Desperate for help

[Penny23]

Hi there

My husband of 20 years who is a wonderful man has been very down, angry with work, at home with the children and myself lately with nasty comments, this is just not him then he exploded one night out of the blue and said he’s full in rage and has had enough of everything, that I put the children first and he just needs to get out before he says something he regrets. He was done. He had been saying he feels depressed and when I have said let’s get help he just ignores it and moves on. He has recently had a hernia operation and then ended up back in hospital with a infected hand. We agreed the best thing was he go stay at his mums for awhile to figure himself out. Then the travelling to work got to much so he moved into my girlfriends unit who’s away at the moment and now closer to us and work. I text him every day to tell him I love and appreciate him, with a reply from him “thanks”. He will occasionally text my son every couple of days with hi mate hope your ok, and that’s it’s. He’s called in for coffee a few times and when he has he’s very teary and sad and said he’s been drinking to much it makes him feel better. I’ve tried getting him to talk and open up but he says he just doesn’t know what’s wrong, he just wants to get in a car and drive to get away. I don’t want to push him, as he is a very strong man. I know he’s going through a midlife crisis, he’s 48 and testosterone levels are low, and loosing body mass and questioning everything in his life. I feel loss and hopeless trying to hold my family together. Yesterday my daughter called in to see him and he literally shut the door on her saying “no I am tired”. She felt upset and left. Please any advice I feel like I am just surviving and donot know what to do.

[WaterFront]

Hi Penny23

A warm welcome to the BB forum. You will find lots of support and advice here to help you with your situation. It sounds like you and your family have been having a tough time of it and I am sorry to hear that.

Reading through your post, I got the impression that your husband may have gone through some experiences he found traumatic regarding his health and having to be in hospital. It has thrown him off balance and made him question things. Drinking to help deal with his thoughts and feelings - or to make them less noisy in his head.

You are doing what you can to support him.

If you could encourage him to talk to professionals about how he's feeling, I think that would probably be a big help to him. BB has some chat online or email options and I'm sure others from the BB community will be along soon with other options.

Take care of yourself also.

WaterFront

[Guest9337]

G'day Penny23,

Thanks for sharing a little of your story on bb. I'm a 48 year old male who experiences intense emotions.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions, I surmise/guess that is the effect husband is looking for, as he sounds like he is inhibiting his feelings. So he might be drinking alone to release those feelings in what he (might) think is a safe place.

I have found that violently chopping wood was cathartic for releasing anger, rage and fury. These days society often poorly judges men who feel anger/fury, as if we aren't permitted those feelings, let alone permitted to do any actions upon them.

For me, I think aiming the anger/rage at something I can legally destroy/break, or aiming the anger at a perceived injustice and writing a letter really helps me cope.

We love our families so much that we will hide these "destructive" feelings away as much as possible, but isolation and repression aren't necessarily the best answer.

Maybe buy a tonne of unchopped wood and an axe and tell him "go for it, smash away!" might help, or something similar.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Penny23.

You are very strong and courageous person for dealing with your Husband's change in behaviour and I can only imagine how confusing and overwhelming it must be. Reading your post, your Husband is defiantly a lucky person to have such strength and support from his Wife and family.

I must add, if that's okay, if we peel back all the layers, it defiantly sounds like he is experiencing something that only he knows. It may be about acceptance, it could be about the fear of abandonment or it could be many other reasons. He may need to stew in his dilemma for a period of time to see what he can do to be happy. He may need to communicate with you better (some men can find it really hard to talk emotions and feelings due to their upbringing) and be open and transparent about why he feels how he does.

While he stews, you try and take this time to focus on your health while continuing to look after his health. Relationships are about growth and development, about open and honesty, about pushing each other to be the best versions of ourselves, to make each other our priorities and to love and nurture each other.

Be strong, be brave.

🙂