desperate & confused about relationships

[kingsalmon]

I've already made another post but I feel it's a different topic. in the depression forum "reaching the end of my patience"

I just want to write this because I'm feeling really confused about relationships, and always have been. Not so much relationships themselves, but other people's view of me having one.

I keep telling people I want a relationship. I want a boyfriend. I want company. I'm lonely.

Their respone is always "you don't have to have a relationship just because society says its normal, it's ok to be single" Everyone misses the part where I don't want to be single. I never said anything about feeling forced into a relationship by society. I never said being single is bad.

I want a relationship because I want it. It's not a complicated desire.

I know a relationship would improve my mental health. No one ever believes that and tells me to just find friends instead or tells me I'm fine the way I am. Again, missing my damn point. But I know it would help. I've had one relationship in my whole life - it was online, and it was full of manipulation and abuse and I still felt great, my grades were great, everything was great. I was being abused and it felt great because for the first time in my life I had company. I felt cured. I can only imagine a good partner will feel even better. I want someone to share my deepest, dumbest thoughts with, I want hugs and kisses, I want stupid romance, I want to be someone's favourite person in the world and them to be my favourite, I want someone who feels like an extension of me but is still a whole other being.

But every time I talk about it... "learn to love yourself instead" "just make some friends first and then see how you feel" "you just need a distraction, here's a list of tafe courses, let me know if you're interested in any of them"

Is there some serious problem with wanting a relationship when you're mentally ill? Like I'm sorry for wanting to share my life with someone...People make me feel like it's some kind of self harm - when they find out what I want, they do their best to talk me out of it, telling me my view is biased and it won't help me. They make me feel like the problem is me, not my loneliness. I feel like what I want is wrong and I really don't know anymore if it's ok for me to want this. Is it because mental illness is a burden? Are people actually just trying to protect someone else from dealing with me? Is that really what this is?

[white knight]

Hi kingsalmon welcome

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. But I feel (maybe I'm wrong) you might not be direct enough with your statements to others.

An answer like "I want a relationship, I want to share my life with someone".

I'm lucky in that my wife and I both have mental illness and therefore we both help each other out. Finding a partner is hard enough but finding one that has empathy, kindness and patience is even harder.

I would pursue the internet. My daughter married this year her internet date she met 6 years ago. Why does it work? Because you can scroll through hundreds of profiles listing location, age, career, hobbies etc and at least get those compatibility facts right to start with. So important.

We here, many of us, worry about what others think and say. I'd work on eliminating that because dwelling on things and getting hurt by others isn't going to help you in life.

All the best. Everyone deserves happiness as single or with a partner

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Kingsalmon~

Hi again. It seems to me to be a very normal thing to want a mate. I am the sort of person that simply don't function well except as part of a partnership.

All the things you have reported that others have said seem to me to be put-offs. I don't know why.

When my first wife died i wanted very much to repeat the experience. This was years ago so I placed an open letter in the local paper saying basically I wanted a soul-mate, and some details about myself . I received a fair number of replies and eventually got together with a wonderful person who remains my partner after 21+ years.

So I was direct and it worked. I did however insulate myself with a PO box to maintain initial anonymity.

You have more avenues open to you to find another, as Tony says the internet is a big resource.

May I inject a note of caution, the internet - and everywhere else I suspect - is full of people that take advantage of others, both financially and emotionally. Do a little research to see what are the popular scams and don't rush. Wanting something badly makes one vulnerable.

Croix

[kingsalmon]

Thanks Tony & Croix

I've already spent a fair bit of time looking on the internet. When I was 15-16 (8-9yrs ago) I was pretty active on dating sites and it was generally a negative experience. The messages I got were always people asking for sex or pics before anything else. I always told them I just want to chat and get to know someone and they'd call me stupid for refusing "FREE sex" and finish off with "I don't care anyway, you're ugly and I was just being nice". I got that from a fair few people and I only stayed on there because I really wanted to find someone. Some people were nice and just wanted to chat too, but they were over 40 and still had the intention of eventually dating (me, a 15/16 year old).

I gave it one last try earlier this year, I joined a dating site for asexual because I'm demisexual. I thought it would be better now I'm older but everyone I messaged or got a message from was in some filthy mood and had to put me in my place for pretty much anything. Except for this one woman who I was happy being friends with until she said "it sounds like you're going through a lot but at least you don't have bipolar like me, I have to deal with symptoms daily and I will never be cured" etc etc whatever. That was the push I needed to delete my account and I've pretty much given up on dating sites now and I've just been tolerating loneliness since.

I don't think I was provoking that kind of treatment...I talk to people on dating sites the same way I talk to people on the rest of the internet, and the rest of the internet doesn't react like that. I don't know if there's some dating protocol I'm not aware of, or maybe these people are just perpetually angry.

I would much rather meet someone in person anyway. But I don't know how to let myself get close to people. Whenever someone talks to me on purpose, more than once, I can't believe it's anything other than "being polite" because they thought I looked lonely, and I feel like I'm doing a people a favour by staying distant. I already know that's not how it is. This isn't primary school where you're forced to be nice to everyone. If people don't want to talk to me they won't. But still I keep telling myself they're just being nice.

Anyway this has given some things to mention to my psychologist..