Depression ruining my relationship and sex life.

[Auchenflower]

My partner and I used to have sex daily and be affectionate with each other. I used to be super excited to see him after work and always was happy with him. But in the last six months it’s all stopped and I have no idea why. I don’t show much affection, I get so easily frustrated now and snappy. Sex is gone, we haven’t had sex in a long time. It’s breaking my partners heart and I want nothing more than to bring that spark back but for some unknown reason I just can’t. I hate being touched and just want to sleep and not have sex. Has anyone got any advice? Nothing has triggered this to all stop so I am lost as what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Auchenflower~

Welcome to the Forum, I'm sure there will be many who can relate to your situation.

Being intimate can be a fragile thing and I'm sure you realize there can many reasons for it to fall away. I'll say the obvious first, do you think there might be any physical reason for this? It may not even be something you are aware of, though it could be simple being tired. In your position I'd talk it over with my GP, even if only to eliminate that.

A second thing to ask is has your relationship with your partner changed in any way, do you feel less secure or trusting?

OK, if nothing like that I guess one should consider the possible effects of depression. I've been in the situation of not wanting to be intimate, or hold hands or basically have any contact, with anger and resentment present. Sleep was an escape.

A very hard time for my partner who as least at first blamed herself.

As you mentioned depression in your title can I ask if you have been diagnosed and are under treatment? This was the cause of my problem and as it became managed things did get better.

Please feel you can come here and talk as often as you would like

Croix

[Auchenflower]

Hi Croix.

Thank you for your lovely supporting response.

I have had issues with depression for years now and was seeking help through my GP. However found that it always ended in being put on anti depressants (which didn’t help my labido at all anyway) or being sent to a counsellor which when I attended I always felt like I didn’t know what to say.

I agree about you saying sleep is an escape. I always just want to go to sleep when I get home from work and always find myself pushing away any form of affection from my partner. I cannot remember the last time I was accepting towards holding hands or having a hug.

I feel very stuck.

[Croix]

Dear Auchenflower~
I’m not surprised you feel stuck, I did too, though thankfully not now.

I can only say what’s helped me, and dealing with the easy thing first, your councilor. Can I suggest you go armed with a list of things in your life that are troubling you - the sex -sleeping – anger etc.?

Then go through them and see which ones the councilor thinks the pair of you can address. It may not be everything but at least you are working together and importantly the councilor gets to know the whole picture.

I used point-form and just answered questions as needed. It worked well for me.

That being said I did change/drop therapists when they seemed to be getting nowhere. Perhaps I was hasty - dunno.

With your doctor and the ADs, I had to go though a long list of meds to find the right type and dosage that suited me, a long drawn out process but I ended up on a regimen that worked with little down-side. So maybe your doctor will be either prepared to do some trials or refer you to someone who will - like a psychiatrist.

Now I think the lack of intimacy and closeness is really a two-person problem. I know you said it was heart-breaking for your partner, however he does not have to just accept the situation. Perhaps by talking together the pair of you may come up with things to try that might help.

I would imagine talking with him and relying upon him to have input too would make him feel better and less on the out.

In my own case it had to be me that initiated anything, something that did not happen often, but at least sometimes.

Things do get better

Croix

P.S. This is my second attempt at this message, the internet seems to have swallowed the 1st one, so if you end up with 2 please ignore one. -C