Depressed:In-laws keep holding my 3-month baby, I as a new mother rarely get a chance

[XWZsydney]

Hi all,

I am a new mother with a 3-month baby by c-section in September this year. I have been coping with taking care of the newborn by myself and finally start finding some rules. Recently, my father and mother in law come visit my family from overseas and some of their acts really make me depressed.

They have been holding, cuddling my baby all day long, from morning when I wake up, they just barge in never knock and take the baby away, when we go shopping they always insist on pushing the pram, out for dinner they hold the baby while eating even there is a very cozy pram nearby, at night my mother in law prefer to shake the baby to sleep and don't want to leave my room. So, I only hold and see my baby at night.

I have been feeling very lonely and sometimes miss my bub so much. I think I can take care of my own baby and I don't need a nanny. From time to time, they prefer their old-fashioned caring style and ignore my objection.

I have talked to my husband about my concern, but I am not sure if he is going to negotiate with them.

What do I do? Do I tell them straight away? I don't want to ruin a peaceful relationship.

Need help.

[XWZsydney]

Hi sorry, my grandparents died when I was very little and I don't have much memory about it.

[XWZsydney]

His dear Shelley, my in-laws are from Hong Kong.

Regards

[pipsy]

Hi Sydney. With your in-laws being of Asian culture you are up against more than just the 'interfering' in-law situation here. Asians believe in many of the 'old customs' where the elders are wiser and more knowledgeable. Also the language barrier means, to them, any sign of 'leave me alone' will be seen as rude and offensive. I gather your hubby immigrated here from Asia. How well are you acquainted with the Asian culture? Your hubby probably can't understand why you feel so strongly about, to him, his parents readiness to offer help. Are you acquainted with Asians in your area? If you know any, try talking to someone who understands our Western culture. This is the main problem, apart from anything else, there is the strong cultural belief that the elders are wiser and, to them, they are 'passing down' years of knowledge and experience. If your hubby is friendly with other fellow Asians, try asking them how best to handle this without offending. They are easily offended and if they do get offended they could try to ostracize your hubby too. The more education you can acquire in this one, the better for you. You could try talking to your hubby, but he is, as I said, between a rock and a hard place.

Lynda

[XWZsydney]

Hi Lynda,

Thanks very much for your kind help. We ended up buying them several coaching tours to visit different places here. Although spent much money, the result seems fair.

Language barriers act as unhelpful as possible. Could not understand some of their deeds, neither could they. Anyhow, both parties has been trying to keep a distance now which is not bad right?

Regards,

[pipsy]

Hi XWZsydney. If my answer offended or upset you in any way, please accept my apologies. Sending your in-laws on tours would've 'bought' you some time with bub. The language differences in your two cultures indicate you feel strongly about your rights as the mother. Your in-laws believe they as 'elders' know more, therefore they are teaching you. The Western culture is more liberal and easy-going. Them constantly speaking their own language would make for difficult conversation. Perhaps it might be easier if hubby spends time with them till they return and let them see the baby with him. Are they in Oz for much longer? I know my ex was given a choice between his parents me, I wasn't happy, but it was easier as the undercurrent and tension lifted. My ex is not of Asian background but his parents did cause major problems as they believed they had more right to him than I did.

Lynda