Depressed??? Husband, 25 yrs, says wants divorce

[RememberLove]

Hi, we are 25 yrs married this week. Have had up and downs. Husband has had depression and anxiety, and refuses treatment. Our divorce discussions began 2 years ago when he was violent. He isn't violent now but can get mean (mean comments) when he's down. We have some big things going on with our kids, but he won't seek help or counselling. We separated our accounts when we separated, and he now holds that against me as I work, earn and save more, and pay most of the bills. He is saying he can't plan with me in the picture and just wants his 'cut' to live his life as he wants. He hasn't had a discussion with me to what that looks like, other than saying he'll move away out bush. I understand and accept if he doesn't want to be in the marriage, however I'm concerned he is making a big decision based on the depression. I'm a bit lost to what to do, other than go along with it, as sad as it might be. One of the big challenges we are both dealing with is one of our adult kids is now trans. Any ideas to help ? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The challenge that of one of your children is now "trans" is larger for your child than any other person. Their challenge is so ongoing  life changing that they need all the support they can get. Support is all you need to give as parents, separated or together, it matters not.

'People married a long time cant let go, some that is, and your concern of your husband "going bush" and how his welfare would be, is in a way such a reflection, kind but not required by him. Part of his "finding himself, his needs and future" is to do something out of the ordinary, maybe something his thought about for a long time and possible with the funds from the property settlement? 

Many people are in denial however, some that go through separation also think that their marriage is the main cause of such depression so seek this in order to start fresh. You cant force him to seek help, we find this regularly here. Any suggestion beyond the first few times and it become a distinct irritation for him as his mind is made up. You have to leave that subject alone sadly.

We also have had a member write in and suggest the depression is the cause of their partner making the decisions they make. This is a long bow to apply. While it's possible some decisions are based on their possible or real mental illness most people with depression have non depression periods where their logic is clearer and they then realise the decision to "escape" is not a good one. It is more common IMO that a ex partenr will "go bush" as a reflection of the need for that environment having maybe dreamt a lot about "if I ever get a divorce I'll live here". Depression in itself doesnt flood the mind to cause people to make irrational decisions.

All that being said it is a sad and uncomfortable position for you to be in. I have a suggestion, that you encourage him to spend time in the bush, camping or renting out a small house in a distant rural town perhaps, to get a taste of that lifestyle and more importantly, to get a taste of life without you by his side. If the marriage was to remain then some realistic facts of life after his wife might dawn on him and there is a chance he could come back. By then you could be flexible with ideas on how to accommodate his country town needs? 

Looking at things in an unconventional way, outside the box, could be the answer. But how things are now there is less likelihood of the marriage surviving.

Just a final mention, if your trans child need any support we are here for them. 

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[One_More_Day]

Hi RememberLove,

I agree with white knight, let him go, give him space. Having some space and a chance to reflect, breath, is so sensible. Don't see it as separation, just see it as wellness time. We are individuals at the end of the day and need personal space, especially in long-term relationships. It's healthy to give eachother space. This is cliched but two things: you don't know what you have until it's gone; and, if you love something let it go, if it returns it's yours. Trust in your connection. Nearly four decades, says a lot.

OMD.

[therising]

Hi RememberLove

I feel for you so much, with you facing a number of huge challenges, life changing ones in a number of ways. While it's rare that anyone or anything can prepare us for life changing challenges, it can be so hard to work them out for our self without guidance and a solid sense of direction.

I can relate to what Tony mentions in regard to some people feeling their marriage being the main cause of the depression they're in. Having been married to the same guy for more than 20 years, I can relate to certain depressing factors within my own marriage. There can be so many reasons involved in a depression or in depressing periods, with the marriage being just one of many reasons. A lost sense of self can be a major reason and while we can lose parts of our self, based on having gradually changed as a partner and parent (perhaps without fully realising), suddenly waking up to just how much we've changed or just how much of our self we've lost is what could be referred to as an identity crisis of sorts. So, it can kind of become a matter of 'I want to return to my old exciting/excited self, my old adventurous self, my old risk taking self, my old fun loving self but in new ways'. 

Perhaps your husband faces some of the challenges your child has faced with transitioning, finding a sense of self they can happily live with. 'I can't happily live as this version of myself. I can't happily live with these struggles and these levels of conformity, just do make others happy. I can't naturally live in ways that are going to stop me from being who I really want to be, who I naturally am'. For example, if your husband's a nature person who hates a noisy life and would much prefer the company of people who live in a small town, there could be 2 ways to go. One could involve him leaving to live the life he desires, whereas the other could involve you buying a cheapish investment property out bush you could use as a retreat/holiday house (either him, you or the both of you, if you choose time away together). For a lot of people it's unaffordable to have a 2nd property but if the option is there, perhaps it's something worth considering. Could be a new start. Could be a peaceful getaway for any of your family members, an option that hasn't been there before.

[One_More_Day]

I concur, therising,

A joint project you can all do together - and a part - a positive focus: birding! The feathered variety. For example, as the austral autumn bares down upon, migratory shore birds prepare to fly back to the north pole (Arctic), some 17000 kilometres. These winds make all the difference. 

Try and be happy. It sounds like you have a lot, so much more to lose by separating. Always stronger together. 

We have to name and label everything. We are all amazing people inhabiting a planet of all things for a very brief moment of time - practically star dust. 

Night skies are interesting now with the Southern Cross low in the south. Not sure that makes any sense at all. But getting into something together that is fascinating and beyond anything, astronomy, birds for example, is calming and something positive to always have to share. 

Sending best wishes.

OMD.