Deciding to be a parent

[Emmy.]

I’m at the age where it’s time for me and my husband to have a child. I use to think when I was teenager that I wanted 4-6 kids. Now as an adult I see how the world can hurt us, and my mental health plays a HUGE part in making the decision. My Pop and Uncle (fathers side) both committed suicide. My Grandma (mother’s side) battled agoraphobia for most of her adult life. I battle with severe anxiety & depression and avoidant personality disorder. I don’t want to pass all this on to a child. But I also don’t want to let my husband down. He says he doesn’t mind if we don’t have children but I see him noticing babies and kids and smiling. Will I be denying him fatherhood and love. Know it’s a decision we both have to make together but I’m finding I’m leaning towards no more than yes.

So basically what I’m asking is, has anyone else been in a similar situation where they’ve weighed up whether or not to have children based on their mental health?

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Emmy

[Emmy.]

Nat - that’s a good question for me to wonder, one sister wouldn’t come as she has her own two boys and has very busy schedule which I understand. My other sister has a government job so is busy with that, but on the weekends and when she could I know she’d help. My Dad is getting older and not sure if it’d be too much for him. And my friends id have to get more confident in myself to be able to ask for help I think. I think I’d feel like a burden asking and feel as though they may think I’m a bad or unfit Mum. If the role was reverse I’d never think that of them but we are hard on ourselves aren’t we. Actually just signed up for a 3 month ecourse for journaling and to try and love yourself more ... I don’t even like myself but hey let’s give it a go right. Again ... rambling. Nat your autoimmune arthritis sounds painful, are you able to take anything for the pain? Or do you see a physio or a specialist to help with exercises or massage? Must be very tiring too. Xx

Dory - I like you too xx

Hope you’ve both had good days! And that you both got to smile. Thanks for chatting with me.

[Quercus]

Hi Emmy,

It's a pleasure to chat. This is a good reminder for me too (building a support network) plus I find it interesting.

You forgot a few supports that are worth thinking about 😊

• Your psychiatrist
• GP
• Forums
• Work colleagues?

Overall you are in a pretty good position in my mind. You're thinking about all of this before making the decision. You're already aware of MI and your own health management. And you have a psychiatrist who will be carefully looking after you. These are major benefits.

As to your friends and family there are things you can do there too. If you start now to have the open discussion (we're thinking of kids... I'm worried about my MI and what will happen if I need help....).

Asking for help is the hardest thing. But the most worthwhile. I wish I had looked at my support network before kids. I didn't and suffered for it. Now I'm getting better at being honest. My friend and I had a good talk recently (she has 3 kids, I have 2) and both of us said the exact same thing...

"you've got your family....I didn't ask because you'd be too busy and I didn't want to bug you"

Now that's out in the open it is so much easier. I had a bad day lately texted and said "feel like visitors?". It was a godsend. Next week I'm going to hers to watch all of our kids for a few hours while she goes out with her hubby to therapy. Give and take. Just like on here. That is what true friends do.

Nat 😊