Dealing with the guilt that I have

Sans6829 · ‎23-12-2018

I lost a baby 25 years ago fell pregnant twelve months later with a beautiful girl who love with all my heart but I hadn't dealt with my grieve and I took my anger and my grieve out on my daughter who now suffers with depression and anxiety. We aren't talking it has been a long five months my husband got a phone call on Friday from her saying to stop trying to contact her as it sends her back wards every time we do. I would some advice how I deal with the guilt that I have because I am to blame

Rabbit33 · ‎23-12-2018

Hi Sans6829, Thank you for reaching out! This is a very sad and difficult topic and i would think that you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from the loss of your baby. I strongly suggest that you speak with your preferred doctor and see whether he can provide you with some therapy or what he thinks may be best.

It sounds like you've been through something very traumatic, which I am not qualified to give expert opinion of.
I'm sure once you've come to peace with what;'s happened, you'll be able to move forward and then hopefully repair or create a new relationship with your daughter. I'm sure you love her. There is not doubt in that. She may have some sort of hurt surrounding the whole situations and i think its best that you do try and communicate but at the same time, maybe some space between you, won't hurt either.

I hope this helps.

Best of luck! 🙂

white knight · ‎23-12-2018

Hi Sans, welcome

Your daughter is an adult now and she feels its best to dpread her wings. But that need wont last forever and she us likely to contact you again.

That's when you embark on a more casual friendship. Then it's likely to be a better relationship.

In the meantime you need to fill your life with distractions like sport, hobbies and friends.

Your guilt needs professional attention. So start with your GP.

In the meantime, google these-

beyondblue Topic worry worry worry

Beyondblue Topic the best praise you'll ever get

TonyWK

Sans6829 · ‎23-12-2018

I have been to see someone about losing my first daughter I have tried to talk to someone about how I have damaged my second daughter but I tried to keep the contact with her by sending texts to her saying hope you're ok but don't get a response my husband got a phone call on Friday night from saying to stop contacting her as it sends her backwards with her treatment everytime we contact her

Rabbit33 · ‎23-12-2018

Hi Sans6829,

I understand and it must be quite upsetting with her shutting you out but i would have to agree with what White night has said ' Your daughter is an adult now and she feels its best to spread her wings. But that need wont last forever and she is likely to contact you again. That's when you embark on a more casual friendship. Then it's likely to be a better relationship. In the meantime you need to fill your life with distractions like sport, hobbies and friends.'

I think almost EVERY newly acquired adulthood individual, tends to grow up, cut the cord to the parents, branch off on their own and start discovering who they and before you know it, they come back and the relationship flourish's because you are able to have a friendship as well as a parent-child relationship. Just hang in there, look after yourself and concentrate on making yourself happy 🙂

Wishing you all the best!

Sans6829 · ‎23-12-2018

Rabbit33 said:
Hi Sans6829, Thank you for reaching out! This is a very sad and difficult topic and i would think that you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from the loss of your baby. I strongly suggest that you speak with your preferred doctor and see whether he can provide you with some therapy or what he thinks may be best.

It sounds like you've been through something very traumatic, which I am not qualified to give expert opinion of.
I'm sure once you've come to peace with what;'s happened, you'll be able to move forward and then hopefully repair or create a new relationship with your daughter. I'm sure you love her. There is not doubt in that. She may have some sort of hurt surrounding the whole situations and i think its best that you do try and communicate but at the same time, maybe some space between you, won't hurt either.

I hope this helps.

Best of luck! 🙂

Birdy77 · ‎23-12-2018

Dear Sans6829,

I understand that you are in a world if hurt right now.

Not only are you processing what must feel like rejection from your daughter, but also wading through your feelings of guilt.

I have no words of wisdom to offer you, but having been a daughter, and knowing that I needed a period during my young-adulthood to create some serious space between me and my parents, I can offer the possibility that she may just need some time.

She may need that space to do whatever she needs to do, and then could well reach out again when she is ready.

I know this doesn't take away your hurt, and I am sorry for that.

In your situation I'm not sure how you could go about honouring her request for space, but also letting her know now and then that you do love her ... would sending an email every now and then be an option? I'm not sure.

But I have been in a similar situation to your daughter, and I know that I just needed space and time.

I can't comment from a parent's perspective about the feelings of guilt, but I carry guilt as a daughter, a sister, an aunty, a partner, a friend.

I would like to offer that you no doubt did the best you could, with what you had emotionally available to you at the time, and to please have some compassion for that young woman you were, who lost a child and did her very best to bring up a new daughter while she was very, very sad inside.

I guess I just wanted to reach out and offer you some hope and some care.

🌻birdy

Sans6829 · ‎04-11-2019

I haven't been on here for ten months lots has happened since last being on here. My husband and I both have lost our jobs. We have new jobs but casual so very unreliable. I had this awful feeling that something bad had happened to my daughter ,so I sent her a email not expecting a response I got one though it wasn't very nice she accused me of contacting her so she would have anxiety and panic attacks on purpose and if I didn't stop she would take it to the police. I know I wasn't a good mum to her as I was grieving for her sister that's no excuse for the way I treated her and yes I should have got help back then but I thought I could deal with it on my own. I haven't seen my daughter for over 15 months after the email that she sent me, I don't hold much hope of ever having a relationship with her again it feels like our whole world is falling apart and I can't seem to stop it

Hi Sans6829,

I understand and it must be quite upsetting with her shutting you out but i would have to agree with what White night has said ' Your daughter is an adult now and she feels its best to spread her wings. But that need wont last forever and she is likely to contact you again. That's when you embark on a more casual friendship. Then it's likely to be a better relationship. In the meantime you need to fill your life with distractions like sport, hobbies and friends.'

I think almost EVERY newly acquired adulthood individual, tends to grow up, cut the cord to the parents, branch off on their own and start discovering who they and before you know it, they come back and the relationship flourish's because you are able to have a friendship as well as a parent-child relationship. Just hang in there, look after yourself and concentrate on making yourself happy 🙂

Wishing you all the best!

Sans6829 · ‎04-11-2019

Thankyou for your support but I think contacting her by email was probably a big mistake and the fact she has threaten to take it to the police. I think I am going to have to not contact her as hard as that is going to be as I love her so much. I get that she had to spread her wings and break those strings and I get I should have got help back then but I thought I could deal with it on my own and I shouldn't have treated her the way I did but I can't take back what I did I have to live with the fact my daughter now suffers from depression, anxiety and panic attacks that guilt is enormous.

Hang10 · ‎04-11-2019

Hi Sans6829,

Their a lot of hurt on both sides and think you need to give your daughter a lot of space. Time is needed if their is to be healing. Need to let her make the first move when she ready.

The past can have a great effort on an individual, in this case on your sad loss of a child and for your daughter wanted to cut ties with you.

I am in a some what kind of same spot. I hadn’t had no contact with my father for 7 months after he abandoning me for near 35 years as I was a lovechild and viewed as unworthy to him. His judgments are still the same today after I found him. and i try to find the answers of him pressuring my mum for abortion and why he did what he did.

When my father couldn’t confront his past, it didn’t allow me to help me move forward. I think finding peace with the past is needed before you try to fix your relationship with your daughter. Peace I mean, to help balance your emotions with the hurting of losing your beautiful baby. The anger and the hurting has pushed your daughter away.

This is not your fault, it your emotions dealing with the loss of a child. It will always be with you and the emotions are that strong after a child is lost that it broken many a marriage.

Keep trying to find some peace in your life internally with more help from support groups.Try to forgive yourself for things that you wish to do better in the past. Life is about learning. When you reach these level it will be a greater chance to get the healing with your daughter that you crave. But it going to take a lot of time.

Best wishes.

Hang10.