Dealing with infidelity

[Mrsbeec]

My head feels like a washing machine. I just want to feel myself again.

I am a teacher and a few weeks ago I caught a mother in my class (also a friend) sending dirty home movies to my husband. He confessed and said they had been texting for 4 months!! He said it was just casual conversation, but he knew it was wrong and hid it until one night it became sexual conversation. I found the video on my iCloud as she sent it via link sharing and I had set his phone up with my Apple ID. I saw no more of 10 seconds of it before I was throwing up.

My husband of 20 years apologised many times and said they never had any physical contact, but she did talk to him at school (we both work there) and she lives in my street. I have taught all 3 of her children and teach one right now. I am apparently their favourite teacher, but I feel like it was a way for her and my husband to connect.

He blocked her, has answered every question and is really trying and I don’t want to throw everything away, but the hurt inside is enormous. During the day I don’t think about it and we have been working on our marriage, which honestly thought was great, but at night or when I’m alone my head goes into overdrive. I create conversations in my head and analyse everything that has happened for the past few months. I go and reread his texts seeing if there was a hint he was cheating and I feel like I’m going crazy.

I haven’t told anyone because I’m embarrassed and I feel stupid. I want to continue to work on my marriage and we are having counselling, but I feel like I’m going to think about this forever. My husband has promised he never felt anything and he was stupid (a lot worse words used) but I’m under the impression she wants something as she is walking her child in down to his office, but he is avoiding any contact with her like he promised he would. (I can see everything from my classroom). She looks cranky he’s not there and she dresses right up to do the drop off.

I have to act professional but my heart is shattered. I want it to stop swirling around and I want the pain to go away.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Mrsbeec,

Thank you for being so brave in your honesty around this situation for you. Infidelity afflcts so many relationships and it is always a shocking, anxious and frustrating time of trial and difficulty. 

We want you to know that there are lots of supports and contacts out there that can offer guidance in this. We also have no doubt that many members of this community will reach out to you.  We would like to recommend our friends at Relationships Australia as a potential starting point - you can phone them on 1300 364 227 or find more info at relationships.org.au

You can also reach out to us here at anytime, 24/7 by phone at 1300 22 4636, or by webchat at https://beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

In the meantime, I am certain one of our community champions will wish to reply to you soon, and we are so very thankful you felt you could reach out to us.

Yours,

Sophie M

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Brave alright, as Sophie said.

We get similar but not the same posts here. None are exactly the same and in your case there seems more hope. Your husband has responded as much as he can possibly do, is remorseful and is proving he loves you.

I often paint a worse case scenario. In your case, if he fell for her and left you, is it a catastrophe? You wouldn't want to be with a man you couldn't trust right? It would mean a new life which would be a challenge but perhaps refreshing knowing the truth.

I think this is a case of one thing leading to another. I'm not excusing his behaviour but but discovery you have saved it.

What matters is your decision and you've made it. He has now responded. Counselling has begun another great sign. However I think you know it's in or out. 100% faith in him or zero. Yes by all means keep an eye on her but have faith in him, I think you have the evidence needed to do so. And tell him so. Also tell him you need reassuring and a lot of it, complete honesty especially with full computer access and if she approaches him.

TonyWK

[Petal22]

Hi Mrsbeec,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im sorry that this has happened, to see what you saw must have felt awful for you.

I feel the lady that has done this is showing a lot of disrespect for you, and for your husband to accept these videos and text her for 4 months would also raise a lot of concerns…. I understand…..

Please don’t feel like you need to be embarrassed I feel your husband and the lady involved should be embarrassed.

You have done nothing wrong.

I understand that you would feel shattered inside and have every right to be……… I hope that your marriage counselling helps you both.

If you feel you need to speak to a psychologist for your self please make an appointment with your gp and do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist just for yourself.

Im sorry this happened…. remember you are the innocent one in all this.

[geoff]

Hello Mrsbeec, thankfully your husband has seen what damage this may have caused and now blocked her, I wonder whether you can have her child moved to another classroom, but for this to happen means you will have to tell the principal some part of the story, keeping what you want private to stay that way.

I'm not suggesting anything, however, perhaps you could mention that you've had some disagreement with the mother and don't want her child to miss out on learning, just a thought to think over, and by no means nothing else.

If your husband can ignore her dressing up while dropping off then you have achieved what you were wanting to do.

Try and pull the plug out of the washing machine, the more it spins, the more your mind will begin to think of what's not going to happen and unleash your thoughts to the counsellor.

You have prevented something that may have happened and I'm sure you will receive gratitude from your husband.

Best Wishes.

Geoff. x

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Mrsbeec,

Trust is like a mirror. When trust is broken, it cracks and the crack will be visible forever. It takes a lot of courage from both sides of the party to rebuild trust. On your side, it will take a lot of courage and leaps of faith in trusting your husband again after what he has done to you. On your husband's side, he needs to put in a lot of effort to continue reassuring you that the trust still stands, and that he remains faithful to the vows that were made when you two bounded with each other through marriage. Trust takes time to build, but takes even more time to rebuild. Fortunately it is not impossible if both people are willing to work together on it.

From what you've described, I feel the two of you are trying your best to fix the relationship. It's a positive sign when that happens, as it means the two of you can still grow and live together. When you mention "I'll probably think about this forever", I feel that is true in a sense that, at the start of the incident, the thought is like a huge wave crashing down onto you, and you struggle to stay afloat from it. But as the two of you continue working on your relationship, the wave becomes smaller and smaller to the point it's just a light splash. It never disappears, but it just becomes less impactful to the point it becomes a simple silly thought.

If you feel you deserve additional support from your husband for added assurances, you're well in your rights to request it from him. And go at your own pace with trusting him again. Though I feel it may be better if your husband could be honest with her about the situation, and inform her to keep things professional from here on (teacher and parent relationship only, rather than trying to be friends or more than that)

Hopefully that helps in anyway, and hope your counselling goes well too. Take care of yourself!

Jt

[Mrsbeec]

Thank you so much for your replies. I feel very alone at the moment and I have no one I can talk to. I am thankful that my husband is trying, but my head is creating its own scenarios and I want it to stop. I actually just want to climb out of my head for just a day so it all just stops.

I think what makes me so angry at my husband, besides the lying and cheating, is that I was going through some things at work where he was the one that noticed that I get treated badly. He was my rock during that and he was the one telling me to stand up for myself and that our workplace doesn’t treat employees right, but yet behind my back he was texting another woman.

The same woman who came to my house a month ago and told we should have a party for my birthday. What so she could go off with my husband? I bet she hasn’t even told her husband what has happened, but that’s their business.

[Juliet_84]

Hi MrsBeec,

I can imagine how devastated you must have felt in that moment as you discovered the video. And afterwards when the betrayal really sunk in and made you question everything about your husband, who has been quite a rock for you in recent times. I’m not usually the type of person who confronts the “other person” but in this instance I would given that she is a supposed friend of yours as well. Especially considering she is still dressing up and actively pursuing your husband. If it was me I’d let her know that you found her video and that you are both working on your marriage, and unless she wants her husband to find out, you suggest she does the same. You don’t need to go any further with it than that, I’m sure she would die of mortification right there and would be sufficiently scared as to never bother you again. I understand that the blame lies squarely on your husbands shoulders for this but I would be putting everyone on notice that this won’t be tolerated by you. You have a right to be angry about this and to hold people accountable, rather than just silently torture yourself. If you haven’t already I would also suggest making an appointment for a marriage counsellour to work through this with your husband.

[Petal22]

That’s ok Mrsbeec 😊 we are here for you, your not alone.

Im glad your husband is trying and that your grateful for that.

I understand it’s hard when our minds just run with scenarios and it just doesn’t stop……… there are strategies you can learn to help you with this.

When your mind starts to fixate on certain things just try to gently move your attention onto something else in the present moment…….. like if your outside what does the sun feel like on your body, what can you hear what can you smell….

You can also try putting your attention on your breath when your mind wonders bring it back to the breath ….. this is very grounding… it takes practice…..

Practice some meditation

I really strongly encourage you to see a psychologist just for you so you can talk one on one your psychologist can also give you coping strategies….

I understand this other woman was once a friend you can choose who you decide to let go of in your life so your life can become more peaceful…

In time you can choose to forgive people that have wronged you but you are doing this for you ………… by forgiving it releases the negative energy in your body and you can then find a way forward.

Im not says you have to say this to certain people you do this for yourself.

We are here for you

[tranzcrybe]

20 years of marriage can leave some open to infatuation and vulnerable to unwarranted ego massaging (flirting), seeking to rekindle emotions - there is nothing right with this, by the way, it's just the rigours of time and familiarity that can lead into dangerous territory. Your husband clearly identifies with this through his secrecy.
But it is worth distinguishing such indulgence (and absolute disregard for your love and devotion) on a different level - yep, he was superficial, selfish, and decidedly immature and reckless, no doubt, but your love together runs far deeper than that, and your husband may only now be realising the damage he has done to what truly matters in his life and the absurdity of his misadventure.
While this is devastating for you, it can also be an opportunity to show compassion and strengthen your relationship (it is built not only by what couples do, but by how they respond) - he is in your debt, and how you proceed is entirely up to you, but do keep to the facts while you evaluate his lapse of judgement and set a course to reconciliation.
Personally, I would report the woman for sexual harassment, notwithstanding your husband being a willing (and very gullible) recipient, as the knowing provocateur - such audacity to treat those in the care of their children with such disrespect. Professional distancing must be maintained at all times and crossing those boundaries (even for social interaction) blurs the lines significantly. In this respect, is there perhaps some culpability all round to consider when examining the outcome?