Dealing with double betrayal husbands affair

[Sadkitty]

I found out my husband was having an affair with a good friend who is also works with him almost a year ago. At the time I was already traumatised by being forced to reveal child sexual abuse I’d suffered at the hands of a family member. My husband and I have been trying to repair our marriage and have had some counseling. Things where going well because I got to a state where I wanted to let go of the anger and anxiety because it was only hurting me more. He’s been very open answering my questions and we’ve been making good progress. However, the other woman is still working with him, and although he has placed clear boundaries she has other ideas. He and I have been going through an intense process of truthfulness and accountability. She has not. She ended her marriage when the affair was discovered. ( it went on for nearly 2 years under my nose) she keeps interfering, and making her presence felt. Last night while we were out at our local she felt it was ok to approach my husband for a chat. I think she has some crazy idea that this will blow over. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was to leave us alone and I wanted nothing to do with her. This was the first time I’d spoken to her. She said something to the affect that I should concern myself with the problems in my marriage. The whole thing has left me reeling. I feel like it’s set me back. She’s moved in virtually around the corner from us and turns up everywhere. My husband says we have to let that go because we have no control over where she lives, what she says or does. It’s doing my head in. I want to put this baggage down, I was doing so well. I don’t want to slip back into despair or take marriage advise from this harpy.

[white knight]

Hi Sadkitty welcome

What your husband is suggesting-ignoring her presence nearby, at the local, shops etc and the fact she still works with him...might be easy to say but for some, not easy to do.

If I was in your situation I would expect him to reject any advance from her (outside work), even conversation. A hello would be ok. Going further I'd want to move out of town.

A two year affair is a long time. While it is your decision to work on your marriage, many wouldnt as that scar never heals. I would always wonder if I was away (eg hospital) if something would happen.

I think to expect nothing less than total commitment is the least to ask for.

I hope that helps. I understand your frustration

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

I can understand how betrayed you feel and then after working so hard on your relationship and feelings, and your personal trauma, your find the other woman popping up at your local pub and giving you advice.

That is a lot for you to cope with.

I agree with Tony you should expect total commitment from your husband and support for you and acknowledgement of the effect of the presence of this woman would have on you.

You may not have control as to where she lives and what she says and does, but you can both decide to only say hello and then ignore her.

Are you and your husband still seeing a counsellor together?

I think it is reasonable you would be very upset by what was said to you.

Feel free to post here when you want to.

Quirky

[Kazzylou]

Hi Sadkitty

i can relate to what your saying as my partner had an affair with my best friend for over 2 years ! Although she says it was a lot longer ! And like you we are giving it another shot, Iv come to the conclusion I love him too much to let go and we have a pretty good life together but the doubt is always with me , I find it very hard to trust now. I'm happy to hear you talk about it , if you can keep talking you have a chance of making it work . I wish you all the best .

Kazzy

[Sadkitty]

Thanks for your reply. Two years is a long time, but we have a 35 year relationship that has been very good. I think it was more his shortcomings than a bad relationship. Maybe things got a little stale but we loved each other very much. He said he was relieved when he was caught and that the affair was never an exit strategy from our marriage. It’s taken almost all these last 11 months for him to come out of the affair fog and realise the gravity of what he has done. I think we stand a good chance and will be continuing with a new marriage counsellor soon. I think I will be discussing why he was polite to her when she approached us instead of saying her behaviour was out of line and go back to your table. I think he needs to set the boundaries with her and not let me be the bad guy in this situation. I think she’s got a screw loose which makes things a little unpredictable.