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Dealing with being the person who hurt their partner

Community Member

Thank you for your understanding before reading my post.

I made the wrong decision to send inappropriate text msgs to another person behind my partners back and my partner rightly left me. I am struggling with dealing with this. I genuinely love my partner and have committed to working with a counsellor to work through my mistake and have been doing so for 2 months now. My partner still keeps in touch and I have not pushed this from my end. She has organised a few catch ups in recent weeks and even came to my home last week crying her eyes out due to some work issues she was having. I sat with her and talk to her and we held hands and I gave her a big hug. On the weekend just gone she suggested another catch up. Last night she sent me a text msg saying she got stressed and sad whenever she saw me and she can't go back to what we were. I understand that I have no say in this and my post here isn't about this as I can't control how she is feeling. I just feel somewhat confused about how her actions (catch ups, being emotionally supported by my) doesn't appear to match her thoughts in the text msgs. How do I approach this?

9 Replies 9

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear ChrisM0502,

Thanks for sharing your current situation on the forum. Gee looks like this is a really emotionally hard situation to be in. Im really pleased to hear that you have seeked some support in working through your mistake, that is a really strong thing to do. Your partner obviously still feels an emotional connection towards you and feels that they are still able to come to you for emotional support. When there is a seperation it is very hard to simply close off your emotions. You have been her rock during your relationship and she still feels the same way. You bring her comfort in tough times and she feels she can come to you when she is most vulnerable.

If she is saying she cannot go back to what you were, then that means she cannot accept your mistake and forgive you . I believe in your situation, you need to get some distance between you two. Give her some time on her own to reflect upon what she really wants. We act impulsively on our feelings and act those out instead of thinking logically. Its so very hard to be friends right after a break up, it is so raw. Time apart with no contact might be the best way for each of you to process your feelings towards one another. Then you will be able to decide if you want to be together. Let her know about how you are feeling too and suggest some time of no contact. Then see where it goes.

Hope this helps

Thank you Positive_vibes89 I appreciate the advice. It is has been an emotionally draining time but I have no one else to blame but myself. So true time apart maybe what is needed. Thank you again.

You are holding yourself accountable, that is a good quality to have. And also it is amazing that you are working on fixing the mistake. You are doing a really good thing ChrisM0502. We are only human, we make mistakes all the time. If this relationship isnt repairable, you have learnt something that you can take into your next relationship to become a better person. Take some time apart for some self reflection and to also be kind to yourself. If there are some thing you have always wanted to do but havnt had the chance to, now is the time to do it. I wish you all the best ChrisM0502, it will be hard to cut off contact but I think you can do it. If you feel the need, please post on the forum further for more support or give the beyond blue phone lines a call. We are all here to support you.

Wishing you well and sending you some "positive vibes"

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Chris,

You have made a mistake, which you own and are kind of now in this no-mans land a bit where you try and figure out whether there is any hope of salvaging things or not. Your partner is understandably hurt and devastated and probably feels a lot of complex and constantly changing emotions at the moment. She likely still loves you and misses you and feels incredible sadness but then at other times remembers what you have done and feels angry and betrayed. She will also be battling whether she thinks you can change or will just do it again. From your post, I think that your chance of reconciliation are fairly good, the fact that she has been in contact at all is a positive thing and that she has reached out to you on several occasions means she still relies on your heavily for emotional support. But then when she is away from you she probably replays it over in her head and gets angry at you and hence the texts. Be patient and let her work through her feelings. She will need to feel confident from your behaviour that you are truly sorry and will never do it again, but that will take some time to earn back her trust. Be there when she needs you and remind her of all the good in your and she will likely be able to slowly move past this.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Chris, what Positive_vibes89 and Juliet_84 have said are both great comments and agree totally.

It depends on what you said in your text to this other person, if it's not really appropriate then you need to let your current partner come to terms with why you sent it to this other person, especially when you have/had her and whether something like this is going to be repeated again when she is not around.

If you give her time, trust has to be rebuilt once again, although this time it's going to be harder to achieve and let her know if there is any relationship between this other person and you and explain why it was sent, this is where trust begins.


Community Champion
Community Champion


positive_vibes89, juliet_84 and Geoff,

have all given you supportive and helpful replies .

The fact you have insight into your behaviour and have taken responsibility means you aware of what you did, As Geoff has written regaining trust is an important issue.

Thanks for reaching out and being honest.

Thanks Juliet_84 for this advice. I recognise the roller coaster of emotions she must be going through and have not pushed any agenda for reconciliation. I don't see it as my space to do that. I am working hard to change my ways to ensure nothing anything like this happens again. Many thanks again.

Community Member
Thanks Geoff. There was definitely no relationship with the other party I stopped it immediately after the inappropriate msgs were sent. I was mindful too late and recognise this and have been working hard on myself through counselling, cognitive behaviour training and journalling my emotions. I know trust isn't just a light switch that can be turned on and I have told her this previously. So I know its a long road if she thinks there is a way forward. Thanks again Geoff for your advice I appreciate it.

Thanks quirkywords for the reply. Yes I am ensuring that nothing even similar to this happens again. I know trust cannot just be switched on so I am being patient and working hard on things that I know I can control.