Dating a guy with issues and doubts about himself. He’s depressed and needs more time before he talks to me again.

[Pinky20]

Hi all,

I’m new to this and I signed up desperately looking for answers.

So my story is I’ve been seeing this lovely guy for 6 months and I think is safe to say that I’ve fallen for him. We’ve been seeing each other consistently but suddenly things went downhill during our weekend together. Admittedly we had arguments during the time we’ll It’s actually kind of petty but something happened the night before he turned cold turkey. Previously, he’s always brought up about his “bad” past and last relationship where his ex cheated on him with his cousin. However for the first time that night he revealed that he was so close to killing himself when he found out about his ex and his cousin and I felt that was the catalyst. Out of the blue he said he just wanted to be friends with no more intimacy but contradicted himself multiple times telling me that he likes me a lot and doesn’t want me to leave. I tried to walk away from him but he wouldn’t let me go. He kept trying to force “don’t decide yet, use time to think” on me when I was very adamant to leave solely because I have feelings for him and is hard to be friends.

In the past he’s said that he likes me but just can’t do relationships. Never gave reasons why. The problem is, we are practically in a relationship without the actual label. He would say negative things like, “I will die alone”, “If it makes you feel any better, I will never be in a relationship”, “Don’t let stupid old me be in your way”, etc. He’s really insecure and just not happy with himself.

Eventually he admitted that he needs space and time to think before he talks to me again. I agreed to give him space because I needed it too. I broke the no-contact rule because I was ready and realised how much I actually love him and wanted to tell him but then I discovered he spiraled out of control during our short break. He started smoking again (he quit for more than 10 years), got high and drank (when he planned to stop drinking for at least 6 months). I asked him if he’s ok and he said, “I don’t care anymore. I’m losing my mind. I haven’t slept for more than 2 days”. I managed to get him to sleep but he’s still pushing me away telling me he needs more time and for me to not worry about him but concentrate on myself. He assured me we will talk again after I told him that I’m worried and I miss talking to him. He wants another week of space and I really want to give him space but I can’t help but feel hopeless. What should I do?

[therising]

Hi Pinky20

I feel for you so much as you face such conflicting emotions within yourself. I see you've been given a lot of good advice, which I hope has helped.

I know it sounds simplistic but relationships basically come down to how we relate to others as well as our self. I believe a key element to how we relate positively involves 'common promises' (aka compromises). Compromises can often resolve conflict of just about any nature:

• Compromising with yourself: 'I will wait for him' vs 'I don't want to wait for him' becomes 'I will wait for him for a week and that is it'. Keep this promise to yourself
• Compromising with your partner: 'I will wait for you for a week. Anything beyond this conveys a lack of respect and consideration toward me'. Either he regards this as a promise/agreement he'll keep or he doesn't

It's important to keep in mind that compromises are a kind of promise. You don't want to be dealing with a lot of broken promises in the relationship. Accepting ongoing broken promises from another can impact our self-esteem over a period of time. Self-esteem basically involves 1) Believing we are deserving of respect and 2) Believing in our ability to cope with any situation (good or bad) no matter the outcome. Eg: I will respect myself and be confident in my ability to cope if the relationship does not work out.

You sound like an extremely thoughtful person Pinky20, in your commitment to helping him get through this. It's important that you remain thoughtful in regard to the promises you need to keep to yourself in the way of your own mental health and well-being.

Set some boundaries and take care of yourself. By the way, you have every right to demand that he share equal responsibility for the positive progress of the relationship. If he cannot share, then it becomes about you maintaining the relationship on your own. As you would agree, not such a good thing.

[Pinky20]

Thank you, Sarra. It is definitely taxing me so I will give him another a few days since he said he needed one more week. If he doesn’t initiate then I will tell him that it’s leaving me in the dark is affecting my mental health and I have my limits. Hopefully things go well because I really do like him and I’m find supporting him but I don’t like being left in the dark.

[Pinky20]

Thank you for the very insightful advice. Your point about compromises is what I needed to hear. In the past he has made compromises and I have voiced about being scared of him disrespecting me because of his mercurial attitude towards me so it always give me the natural impulse to protect myself from getting hurt/taken advantage of. Like I said in my previous post that he’s made compromises for me but sometimes when he’s cold/depressed I get the impression that whenever I express my support or concern, he dismisses it when I don’t know how much more genuine I can be to show him that I am very committed to help him.

But you’re right — I need to set some boundaries because I am doing the best I could. I know men and women are very different when it comes to communicating and expressing emotions. Me being a girl wants him to be more of a speaker and say more to what I said so I can see that he took everything I said into account. In hindsight that’s not the case because he’s a guy and he likes to keep words condense as possible especially when he needs space.

[Pinky20]

My update got locked because it was a continuation so I’ll post my update here.

I eventually cracked and confronted him with an ultimatum because I got fed up with him constantly saying he will talk to me when he is ready without giving me a reason. So the ultimatum was to be ready by the end of this week (since he said he needed one more week) or at least tell me what’s going on or else I’m done.

He took it very harshly and became defensive by denying the relationship and that he feels pressured everytime I message him when he said he needed space. Fair point. So I told I want to give him space but is hard when he’s not giving me a reason. I message because I’m worried. He went on to say that he doesn’t need to give a reason. He can’t deal with me anymore. He reckons is best if we go our separate ways because he’s leaning towards saying to me “leave me alone”.

So I said, ok it is your call anyways. I went on to say that I can’t stick around waiting for him if I’m the only one who values this relationship and that it will not be the same. I can’t wait if he knows he will never be ready and I especially don’t want to do this if the old (his name) can’t come back. I went on to say that he’s changed and he’s having a relapse.

It was harsh but the truth hit him hard. He admitted that he is going through depression and that he hasn’t been himself. He didn’t want to drag me down with him and that he likes to isolate himself from everything. He added that he doesn’t want to reach out to anyone but begged me to just give him more time to be better and ready. He constantly said “I will chat to you soon please stop messaging me. We will talk soon ok. Just stop please” because it gave him anxiety opening up to me and that I was talking to him. So yes, I am now convinced that I have triggered him and got his emotions and feelings all tangled along with his issues.

After this conversation, it was a validation for me that he is going through a slump and I do want to give him space. Is this common behaviour for him to react like that? I just don’t know how to feel about this now.